Archive for March, 2010

You made your own bed? You lie in it.

I quit drinking in October 2009.  That’s about six months ago.  Prior to that, I’d been self-medicating with booze since the early 90s.  The vast majority of those years, it was daily? So, you would think that in quitting after so long, it would be some incredible accomplishment.  Well, hold the applause.

I didn’t quite because I wanted to.  I quit because it suddenly made me sick.  After all of those years, it started to cause me migraines.  If not for that, I’d still be happily (or unhappily for all of the trouble it caused me), self-medicating to this day.  Sometimes, I still feel pangs of guilt for not doing it of my own volition.  Well, I quit.  That’s all that matters?

Since then, I have ingested alcohol, fallen off the wagon, fallen off the wagon, ingested alcohol, twice.  Once was during Christmas last year, and the second time is today.  Why? Well, there must have been a reason, of course.  That is because I never had a problem quitting drinking.  It didn’t bother me at all.  I have been in the company of others drinking, and never felt any “cravings.”  I have been on my own, and just the same.

Both then and today, sure, something was going on.  But both then, and today, I had the same feelings about my sobriety.  I was rational, I was cognizant.  I knew I had a choice.  I still didn’t “crave” alcohol.  I simply said, “Fuck it.”

As a result, I’ve now had three thoughts.

The first was, ‘Oh, please don’t let me get a migraine!” Well, that’s easy enough to understand.  The second is a bit more complicated (and as is the third, that will not be written in italics, either!)

When I had that one drink over Christmas, I had that same, first, thought about not getting a migraine.  It was the first drink I’d had in three months, and the migraines from the drinking had been the most severe that I’d ever had.  Well, I didn’t have one.  I felt like I had escaped a death trap!

So, after actually quitting.  After not drinking for so long.  I’m wondering if getting the migraines was a “Wake-Up Call” of sorts.  A way to get me to stop self-medicating.  Now, please don’t misunderstand.  Yes, I have been drinking today, and I still plan to not to drink! However, I know, I know…does it sound like a bunch of psychobabble, mumbo jumbo? But was it enough, just to tell me what I needed to know–or what I already knew? To stop?

Third.  Now that I have ingested alcohol, fallen off the wagon, fallen off the wagon, ingested alcohol, twice.  Does that mean I can no longer be trusted?

This is two pronged.  Can I trust myself? Well, I think I can.  I said that I had no problems with quitting before…and yet, I have now had something to drink twice in six months.  Is that a big deal? I’m not self-medicating.  Or am I? Some kind of “trigger,” where I could have said no, but I didn’t.  However, I will hasten to add, I have experienced many other triggers where I definitely could have wanted to drink, but did not!

So, I think I can trust myself.  Yes.

The second trust issue? What about others? Others who may have perceived me as “some awful drunk!” Someone who does such terrible things “as an alcoholic!” True, alcoholism is a disease.  But it hurts others.  So, if others see me drinking again, do I lose their trust? Will they lose their faith in me if I have another drink?

I was on my way to school the other morning, walking along, not paying attention, just staring at the ground.  Typical.  Then, something caught my attention.  I saw something move out of the corner of my right eye.  I looked up, and it was a little hand.

That little hand was attached to a little girl.  I am terrible at guessing any human being’s age.  However, if I had to hazard for this tiny one? I would say she was about nine? Maybe 10?

Her little hand was waving back and forth.  My gaze travelled up from it, along her arm, and to her face.  I was then greeted by a huge grin.  I was stunned.  Partially because I wasn’t fully awake yet, but also because I wasn’t prepared for such a surprising, social gesture!

I looked into her eyes briefly, made a small wave back, and offered her probably one of my most crooked Aspie “smiles,” ever! *laughing*  She didn’t seem to care, though.  No.  She continued, bouncing on her way, heading off to school–just like me.

I paused and wondered if she did this all the time.  Or was it just that one day? Just that one morning? Regardless, I couldn’t get the entire image of her, the scenario, out of my mind for my entire commute! As I replayed everything, my Aspie “smile” spread out a bit, and became much less “crooked.” *laughs again*

The fall out from the bloodwork I had done on March 11, 2010 (see post March 13, 2010–sorry no link–the less typing the better!) reached epic proportions today.  I was in so much pain, I began to feel nauseous.  My mobility and function is now hampered, as using my arm results in more of that pain! I can not believe things have reached this level, and even that this has happened, 11 days after a simple venipuncture!

I went to the ER straight after school, today.  I almost broke out in tears trying to write during class!

Funny.  I looked at my hospital band where they usually put your family doctor’s name.  It wasn’t my family doctor’s name! I thought they had screwed up when they admitted me! I asked the ER Nurse who admitted me to the dept. who it was.  She told me it was the Chief of the Emergency Dept.! I started joking with her about how special and privileged I was, and would I be seeing her? She told me that she didn’t know right now, but maybe later? Well, well…

I had to look up at home who I did see.  A woman from General Surgery! I guess there was concern (the same concern/s I had), about vascular damage.  The doctor from Gen. Surg. didn’t seem to think so.  I did not speak to “Chief of Emerg.,” however, she was consulted.

The ruling (at least so far…?) No vascular damage as far as “Gen. Surg.” was concerned.  She said to take OTC painkillers regularly, do hot/cold therapy (whatever I could tolerate), and REST!

REST.  Now, isn’t that jolly? People, the bloodwork was done on my right arm.  I am right handed! I have so much work to do for school! I am somewhat ambidextrous, but my writing will be slow and certainly difficult to read.  Keyboarding? I don’t know if that’s any better! To cover the entire thing with one hand? Mousing? Not so bad.  At least with the computer it’s legible!

REST.  With the amount of pain I am in, unless the OTC meds work a miracle, I think it will take quite a bit of it.  I nearly laughed in floor nurse’s face when she gave me a couple of Ibuprophen, and was told to: “See how it works.”  Good grief.

If things do not improve, I have a personal invite to go back and see “Gen. Surg.,” and “Chief of Emerg.”  Gen. Surg.” was actually very nice.  We ended up on a first name basis.  I always use my “Med Geek Speak” when in hospital, but now I have the added advantage of explaining to them I am school studying the field.  Perhaps, it’s an unfair thing to say regarding the folks I have dealt with in the profession, but in stating my education, I now get much better treatment!

Okay, enough typing? Ouch? I need to figure out how I’m going to tackle my homework for tonight! Left handed, or screw it! Deal with the pain, and use both? Also, I’ve just taken some Gravol, so I’m well on my way to “Loopy Land.”

Alright.  Information relayed.  If I’m a bit slow around here, it’s probably because I’m typing with my damn, “wrong” hand! Lord, first I make an “announcement” that it will be “quiet,” now one that it will be “slow?” An entirely new level of blogging insanity around here!

I’ve been thinking about something lately.  It’s something I think about a fair bit, really.  In fact, I was thinking about it tonight.

It was getting in the way of my work.  So, before I began to even think of tackling that, I sat and wrote down some thoughts in point form.  Then, an idea came to me.

I’ve done Mood Charting, before.  I think it’s an excellent idea! I’ve even used something in similar form to track my seizures, but I can’t anymore.  They’ve become way too complicated for a simple line, or a tiny, little box!

My idea (as I’ve so wonderfully called it!) is in the Subject Line.  I don’t know if I’ve come up with something entirely, “revolutionary.”  It may already exist.  I haven’t figured out exactly how I’m going to go about it all yet, but I have a pretty good idea.  It needs to be tailored to the situation, of course.  What I am going to try and do, though, is track everything I can, based upon the one thing.

Since it will revolve around that particular situation, or thing, some variables will need to be very specific.  However, some of the standard, Mood Charting variables can still be incorporated.  I think this will be very good.  Well, it certainly couldn’t hurt? Okay, maybe it might at certain points? I’m not sure, but sometimes things that are therapeutic can tend to do that? *laughing*

…for a while? Right.  How many times have I said that one before? Although, for this round, it might stick? Oh, who knows! I might be back tomorrow with a post!

In a word: School.  No, let’s add two more: Sleep Deprivation (another crazy number of hours last night!) Wow.  I can not believe at what a pace we are now gunning! I thought I was busy before? Yikes! More is being piled on, in addition to in-class work.

Not to mention, today, PA became “TA!” That would be, “Teaching Assistant!” OMG.  Our Instructor is dying from some insane infection, so she asked me to come up with tomorrow’s work! AHHH!!! All in, it’s quite funny, extremely flattering, and horrifyingly embarrassing!!! *laughing*

I’m also not quite sure what I am to do.  Well, I have to burn CDs for everyone.  I think I can manage that. *rolls eyes*  However, the Lesson Plan? It’s from another textbook she has, not the one we are using. *attempts to look scholarly while scratching head*

I tried to ask her some questions today, and she told me she couldn’t think at all. *laughing*  Plus, she said she is a highly visual person like me.  She needs to “see,” in order to “do.”  Because she lost all ability to think, she also lost all ability to see! *laughing more*

It’s all good though.  She just told me to do “whatever.” *laughing even harder*

Again, it’s all good.  She and I are definitely friends.  I had said before, I suspected that would happen.  Now, it’s “confirmed.”  She went through something personal that, to me, was obviously rather difficult.  She was open about it in class.  The other crazy, and immature gals acted…well, crazy and immature! With utmost strength, I refrained from running out of the building, hailing a taxi, and heading to the closest hospital to admit myself!

I sent our Instructor a short email, telling her I hoped she was alright, and reiterated that she could speak to me if she needed support, or to vent, anything.  I signed off with “hugs,” and said I didn’t care if it was “inappropriate,” due to our “professional relationship.”  HA!

She responded, and thanked me for caring.  She said it was rare to see that people actually cared in the world, and that my attitude would take me very far (…ohhhh…)  Then she said that hugs are always good, and basically: “Screw our professional relationship! We’re friends!” That’s pretty awesome, I think.  Also, it will be totally awesome in the summer! She and her partner have a pool! I’m already invited to come on over and paddle around when it gets warmer! W00t!

Anyway, hopefully wee, sleep deprived PA won’t go positively bonkers with all of this going on! I can’t even remember when she said our course was ending.  It’s soon, but I’ll have to ask.  I was so out of it, and tired, tired, tired today! I was trying to work on tomorrow’s “Lesson Plan,” but I could barely read! I even threw on my headphones while working on baby MacBook, to shut everyone and everything out!

I’m bringing baby MacBook every day, as well.  It seems to be proving very useful! I got a bit of a leg up on my new duties as “TA!” Despite being so exhausted, and brain dead as well, I did make some progress.  I ensured that the all the files were in tact, and (presumably), “burnable.”  I did make some notes, and get a vague idea of what the hell the assignment was about? I think? *scratches head again*

Wait a minute.  This is kind of funny, too.  If I do the “Lesson Plan,” I guess I’ll do a pretty good job on the real “Assignment?” Actually, I’m going to have to do the “Assignment” to create the “Lesson Plan.” I’ve never seen it!!! Or heard it (there are sound files.)  Based upon those, I think I need to finish templates for the Instructor for marking! They’re not in the textbook!!! BWAH-HAH-HAH!!!

Holy, crap.  I need more tea.  Maybe that will help? *bows down on knees to the Earl of Grey*

Regardless, if PA Land does remain a bit quiet, I’ll still be around.  I’m not going anywhere.  Just an email away?

Although, if you don’t hear from me, I did run screaming out of class, I did hail that taxi, and went to whatever hospital that would take me! It didn’t have to be in close proximity to the building at all! I’ll try to send word if I’m not in a little ball, shaking in a corner, trying to grasp my drool cup with both of my hands. *smirks*

I’ve just come home, and am “conveniently” wearing Gastro Man’s scrubs as pyjamas.  Yes, my Gastroenterologist gave me some of his scrubs.  Yes, I am that close with all of my physicians.  I feel like crap, am ready for bed, so have also just taken my meds.  I am extremely exhausted.  Regardless, because of lateness (not even?) illness, and being so tired, I may not be able to finish this until tomorrow.  I suspect that will be the case.  I wasn’t even going to log on when I got home, but wanted to check my personal email.

EDIT: I had to wait until “tomorrow” (today), and I am still wearing Gastro Man’s scrubs.  I am still in bed.

Alright, why the increase in worry? I was at my friend J.’s house tonight taking care of some business.  I do not have a scale.  He does.  However, home scales are not always as accurate as medical ones–especially, and increasingly so, as they get older.  J. says his scale is accurate in comparison to his GPs.  I had been using it as a benchmark, based upon that.

Guess what seemed to be the bearer of bad tidings for me tonight? I’ll tell you, his bloody scale had better be inaccurate! Otherwise, I’ve lost more weight! It may not be much, but I don’t have any to spare.  If his scale is correct, I’m now 90lbs.! That was my worst years ago.  I can not go any further below that! My waist measurement has decreased as well! I now have a 25″ waist! I have lost a full inch! I am extremely unhappy with that number!!!

I need to see Sweetie GP and Merlin #2 now, anyway.  I can get properly weighed, then.  I hope that Sweetie GP is back from Mat. Leave.  Her locum is a lovely woman, but she is not familiar with my medical history.

EDIT: I just caught the upstairs tenant heading into her flat.  She has a scale, too.  Guess what, again? I don’t think I need to tell you the results!

This is a hot one, as well! I just looked at my arm and holy cats! I had bloodwork done yesterday (EDIT: that would be Thursday), and this has never happened before! It’s not the fault of the phlebotomist, either.  A clean and gentle puncture; a quick and efficient draw.  You’re not supposed to strain yourself afterward, but I did have my laptop bag.  I picked it up once, just to shift things a bit, and then carried it with my other arm.  Yes, “Ow!” It hurt.

But should it have hurt that much? And, yes, 24 hours or more later? Holy cats! There is some slight bruising off to the side of the site of the puncture, but about two inches down my forearm? Everything is totally swollen and bruised! I don’t quite look like Popeye, who has just downed a can of spinach, but still! Never.Happened.Before.

I am now rather curious about that blood work done.  How exactly will my CBC panel appear? Are my WBC counts going to be so low, they’ll look like I’m dying of a fatal disease?

Hey, a low Lymphocyte count could be indicative of all of this business with me possibly not absorbing any of my food.  Then, we have my Neutrophils.  A low count there would explain the swelling around the wound.  Also my B12 deficiency–even though I am supplementing–although, if I’m not absorbing anything? *tosses confetti in air*  However, I do bruise like a peach (and have all of my life), so that’s not too much of an issue–except for the blood draw! I didn’t even bruise with the one done three months ago!

I’m not even going to mention my Ferritin levels ordered.  Oh, I don’t want to go near how anemic I actually may be right now! I became anemic right off the bat years before! If my food is shooting right through me, goodbye iron! *rolls eyes*

Gastro Man and I have got that one covered.  I’m going the transfusion route, if need be.  I told him before that supplementation sucks.  Plus, if things really do become more complicated (or already are), I may not end up absorbing the damn pills, anyway!

Also, this exhaustion.  I’m so tired.  I wasn’t before.  Yes, school was killing me, and I was going crazy.  I still am going like gangbusters, but something’s changed.  I’m crashing.  I get to a point in the evening where I just start to shut down.  I will push myself if I really, really have to, but it is hard! Otherwise? I’m just…gone…

Yes, I know I’m sick.  My Gastro Sx. returned a while ago.  Some of the “core” things are the same as before, but others are quite different! Or are appearing as, leading toward, “the different!” Perhaps, in a diagnostic sense? Perhaps, in a “what the hell is going on sense?”

Starting to “shut down.”  Definitely better save this to edit and post tomorrow.

Okay, again, it is “tomorrow.”  I guess this is ready.  The question still remains, though.  Should I be (more) worried? I think I already am.

I am finding that people have disappeared! People have gone private! HELP ME!!!

I had something noted to this effect (well, not quite like this), on my Page about my Blogroll.  I’ve since changed it.  Maybe I should edit it, but how many people would continue to read the Page? Do I keep putting posts up like this over and over? *shakes head*

If you read me (and I used to read you), may I please have the password to your protected blog? Again, some of you are on my Blogroll.  Also, if you have me Blogrolled and I don’t you, may I please have your password? I would love to read your blog!

If you’ve disappeared, I know you, and you’re still reading, email me and let me know how you are! Well, if you feel comfortable doing so.

I did at least find that one of my blogging pals has “resurfaced.”  I thought I’d lost him forever! I just did a hover over his link on my Blogroll, and a newly, designed site! Whew!

As for the rest, I hope at least some of you guys get this SOS Call.  Thanks.

Things have been a little…well, crazy…  Oh, come on! When are things not crazy on this blog??? *laughing*

Perhaps it’s time for you, my faithful readers (and my new ones–suckers!) to kick back and relax, some.  Perhaps I should, as well?

This may help:

Chopin Nocturne 1 In B Flat Minor Op. 9 performed by Idil Biret

They say “Fear is a Great Motivator.”  How about “Frustration?” How about fucked. I shall try and refrain from using any more profanity throughout the rest of this post.  But.Oh.My.God.  Perhaps I should start numbering my “Bitchy School Posts” in “Volumes?”

Where should I begin? It seems just as things start to settle, another bloody, debacle or landmine or…whatever, seems to pop up!

Today, we were to learn software.  Charting, billing… *yawn*  Hold up, PA! Stifle that yawn! What a mess.  Again, where to begin? The Instructor didn’t have a working computer because…well, you know…all of them were working except one! I offered to let her use mine, but no.  She works like me: just hack away at things all by your lonesome.

All by your lonesome? Two major issues there! She’d never had a chance to see the software.  Now, you would think this wouldn’t pose a problem due to my “yawn” up there, but it did.  How do you prepare a training module for something that you’ve never seen! Issue number two? Apart from her, I’m the only one who knows how to work a computer in the class!!! Well, I’m the most “proficient?” And even I’m not some uber-techie!

The Instructor was going positively out of her mind.  She even snapped at me! I shut my gob, went Aspie-No-Eye-Contact, and got busy working on the task at hand: trying to get the software working to some degree, so we all could use it.

So, I’m tinkering away and explaining how things are working, what I think we need to do.  It’s basically really, simple db work for “training purposes.”  We need to build it, to use it.  Regardless, since it’s one massive db anyway, that was my “yawn!” In the field, this type of software is a no brainer. *sighs*

Everything sort of(?) got calmed a bit between basically her, myself and School Dude.  She and I are going to get the software loaded on our computers tomorrow.  That will certainly help her, and then if I can help her at all, more than happy to do so.

However, we are getting further and further pushed back from Clinic Rotations! Everything is becoming…choose whatever “F” word you damn well want! We are still going to proceed there, but I’m moving on.  We’re not going to be “let loose,” and determined “work ready,” until we’re done with Clinic from the school.  That only makes sense, as they are mandated to deliver the goods.  In the meantime, I’m losing my time!

I’ve just checked out a few places where Non-Arsey Neuro is affiliated, that might be acceptable in terms of location.  There’s no point in me trying to rush to a Clinic, where I can only work for an hour after class.  Plus, anywhere that is open on weekends? That is fine.

There are two in my neighbourhood (one is the Walk-In, where they last saw me dying from that evil, Upper Respiratory Infection!) They may not want me there! *laughing* Another is a bit of a multi-disciplinary place.  That’s what I’m kind of shooting for–more bang for my non-existent buck! Hopefully, I can find someone to take me on! Aren’t businesses always looking for stooges like me? Someone to work for free? *rolls eyes*

I need to kind of slow down and get my thoughts in order, though.  At least after today? Oh, but there’s one that looks so cool and maybe even another one that…  Oh, if I could get Non-Arsey Neuro to throw me into those? That means I need to draft a letter and send my resume to him pretty fast.  The locals? Easy. Print off my resume and pop in for a visit.  I could do that this weekend.  Shit.  Homework tonight? *crosses eyes*

I’m tired.  May I just say that? Please?

Oh, yeah.  Work on any and all Scholarship/Bursary stuff I can find, because…as above, I’m Slave Labour.  I’m basically broke.  Yep.

Man.  If I don’t get a job out of all this? Okay, I’m not even going there…