Archive for March 29th, 2010

I quit drinking in October 2009.  That’s about six months ago.  Prior to that, I’d been self-medicating with booze since the early 90s.  The vast majority of those years, it was daily? So, you would think that in quitting after so long, it would be some incredible accomplishment.  Well, hold the applause.

I didn’t quite because I wanted to.  I quit because it suddenly made me sick.  After all of those years, it started to cause me migraines.  If not for that, I’d still be happily (or unhappily for all of the trouble it caused me), self-medicating to this day.  Sometimes, I still feel pangs of guilt for not doing it of my own volition.  Well, I quit.  That’s all that matters?

Since then, I have ingested alcohol, fallen off the wagon, fallen off the wagon, ingested alcohol, twice.  Once was during Christmas last year, and the second time is today.  Why? Well, there must have been a reason, of course.  That is because I never had a problem quitting drinking.  It didn’t bother me at all.  I have been in the company of others drinking, and never felt any “cravings.”  I have been on my own, and just the same.

Both then and today, sure, something was going on.  But both then, and today, I had the same feelings about my sobriety.  I was rational, I was cognizant.  I knew I had a choice.  I still didn’t “crave” alcohol.  I simply said, “Fuck it.”

As a result, I’ve now had three thoughts.

The first was, ‘Oh, please don’t let me get a migraine!” Well, that’s easy enough to understand.  The second is a bit more complicated (and as is the third, that will not be written in italics, either!)

When I had that one drink over Christmas, I had that same, first, thought about not getting a migraine.  It was the first drink I’d had in three months, and the migraines from the drinking had been the most severe that I’d ever had.  Well, I didn’t have one.  I felt like I had escaped a death trap!

So, after actually quitting.  After not drinking for so long.  I’m wondering if getting the migraines was a “Wake-Up Call” of sorts.  A way to get me to stop self-medicating.  Now, please don’t misunderstand.  Yes, I have been drinking today, and I still plan to not to drink! However, I know, I know…does it sound like a bunch of psychobabble, mumbo jumbo? But was it enough, just to tell me what I needed to know–or what I already knew? To stop?

Third.  Now that I have ingested alcohol, fallen off the wagon, fallen off the wagon, ingested alcohol, twice.  Does that mean I can no longer be trusted?

This is two pronged.  Can I trust myself? Well, I think I can.  I said that I had no problems with quitting before…and yet, I have now had something to drink twice in six months.  Is that a big deal? I’m not self-medicating.  Or am I? Some kind of “trigger,” where I could have said no, but I didn’t.  However, I will hasten to add, I have experienced many other triggers where I definitely could have wanted to drink, but did not!

So, I think I can trust myself.  Yes.

The second trust issue? What about others? Others who may have perceived me as “some awful drunk!” Someone who does such terrible things “as an alcoholic!” True, alcoholism is a disease.  But it hurts others.  So, if others see me drinking again, do I lose their trust? Will they lose their faith in me if I have another drink?