Archive for April 2nd, 2010

Oh, how many times have those thoughts run through my mind; those words even sounded aloud in my ears? I should probably try and keep all of my diagnoses out of this post, but most of you know I can rarely do that around here.

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while now.  However, I could have done so at any time from beginning this blog.  Again, these thoughts have plagued me since…I guess when I was a teenager? That’s a long time.  I probably never had them as a child because children don’t think in the same ways as adolescents or adults do.  Another reason was because my academic performance was always very good when I was so young.  Yes, this is all about having “smarts.”

I’ve always felt I’ve done “nothing” with my life.  I have nothing to show for it.  For all the chances that I have had, nothing has ever come of them.  Yes, my diagnoses have played a part, I’ve gone completely mental, and that has ruined all of those chances.  I know that I was powerless to my diagnoses during those times, nonetheless, that hasn’t been of any comfort to me.  If anything, it’s made me feel more frustrated.

People have told me that I am “smart enough” to miss what I feel I am lacking.  Never obtaining a degree, something I still yearn for so much to this very day.  With that degree (now that I am even older), I think about how I could have gone “further.”  Fine, people.  If I take your word for it, I am “smart.”  If that is the case, then should I not have been able to do so much more with my life?

I look around and see people I know.  The things they do.  It is not that I am “jealous” in any way.  I love to see people  succeed–even more so those that I care about and love! I also sit and marvel at people who do things that I can not! I enjoy learning from them about those things.  Utterly fascinated, I remain! In fact, I love learning period! More frustration, even sadness, regret…so many other feelings regarding that, then?

What did I learn? What is it that I have to offer? Not that much when I look around and observe the world.  Everyone is “doing” something! I am not.

And even if I “recall” what I learned, sometimes I can’t recall it at all! I will listen to others who studied the same things and I can’t even keep up with them! Why can’t I remember the things they are talking about? I read those books, too! I studied the same types of classes.  I feign intelligence.  Or I head straight to Google.  I hide the fact that I don’t know.  Yes, I am now confessing to you all.  I am not as smart as you think I am!

Please, do not think I am throwing myself a huge pity party.  These are only my thoughts and feelings.  Well, hardly only. They run deep.  Right to and through my core, and they have for many, many years.

I used to try and balance out these thoughts and feelings, by saying, “I was in the middle.”  What that meant to me was that, basically, someone always knew more than me; someone knew less.  Now, that philosophy may be waning a bit.

Most of you know that I am back in school.  If you don’t, all you have to do is read a few of my recent posts.  Yes, I am finally completing “something,” but is it enough? I still don’t think so.