He’s Faster! She’s Smarter! I Can’t Do That! I’ll Never…


Oh, how many times have those thoughts run through my mind; those words even sounded aloud in my ears? I should probably try and keep all of my diagnoses out of this post, but most of you know I can rarely do that around here.

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while now.  However, I could have done so at any time from beginning this blog.  Again, these thoughts have plagued me since…I guess when I was a teenager? That’s a long time.  I probably never had them as a child because children don’t think in the same ways as adolescents or adults do.  Another reason was because my academic performance was always very good when I was so young.  Yes, this is all about having “smarts.”

I’ve always felt I’ve done “nothing” with my life.  I have nothing to show for it.  For all the chances that I have had, nothing has ever come of them.  Yes, my diagnoses have played a part, I’ve gone completely mental, and that has ruined all of those chances.  I know that I was powerless to my diagnoses during those times, nonetheless, that hasn’t been of any comfort to me.  If anything, it’s made me feel more frustrated.

People have told me that I am “smart enough” to miss what I feel I am lacking.  Never obtaining a degree, something I still yearn for so much to this very day.  With that degree (now that I am even older), I think about how I could have gone “further.”  Fine, people.  If I take your word for it, I am “smart.”  If that is the case, then should I not have been able to do so much more with my life?

I look around and see people I know.  The things they do.  It is not that I am “jealous” in any way.  I love to see people  succeed–even more so those that I care about and love! I also sit and marvel at people who do things that I can not! I enjoy learning from them about those things.  Utterly fascinated, I remain! In fact, I love learning period! More frustration, even sadness, regret…so many other feelings regarding that, then?

What did I learn? What is it that I have to offer? Not that much when I look around and observe the world.  Everyone is “doing” something! I am not.

And even if I “recall” what I learned, sometimes I can’t recall it at all! I will listen to others who studied the same things and I can’t even keep up with them! Why can’t I remember the things they are talking about? I read those books, too! I studied the same types of classes.  I feign intelligence.  Or I head straight to Google.  I hide the fact that I don’t know.  Yes, I am now confessing to you all.  I am not as smart as you think I am!

Please, do not think I am throwing myself a huge pity party.  These are only my thoughts and feelings.  Well, hardly only. They run deep.  Right to and through my core, and they have for many, many years.

I used to try and balance out these thoughts and feelings, by saying, “I was in the middle.”  What that meant to me was that, basically, someone always knew more than me; someone knew less.  Now, that philosophy may be waning a bit.

Most of you know that I am back in school.  If you don’t, all you have to do is read a few of my recent posts.  Yes, I am finally completing “something,” but is it enough? I still don’t think so.

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  1. Hey dear, I think you’ve done quite well! I mean you’ve gone back to school, you’ve had good jobs, and you’ve managed to keep yourself afloat in all this mess! Most of my NT freinds haven’t done any of that!

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  2. Hi Canageek. Thanks. I appreciate that, but I tend to think that I still haven’t done so well. Again, when you look around; for someone my age? My jobs? Well, to maintain anonymity, I won’t go into detail, but they haven’t been that “good.” Far from it, I think!

    Even still, thanks hon.

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  3. Hun, it’s okay to look back sometimes and feel what you’re missed. I know you’ve missed out on a lot, a hell of a lot more then I have, and it sucks. *hugs*

    The thing about us nutty people, we often work at things a hell of a lot harder then normal people do. It takes more effort for us to keep ourselves going. The important thing is that you haven’t stopped. You’re now a student and working towards making yourself employable. The worst thing you could do is stop trying, because then all that would be left to do is look back and cry. Keep moving and keep making things happen, you can do it!

    The most important thing for anyone, but especially for us crazies, is to keep at least moderately busy. Find a job you love, and have a hobby or two.

    Another thing to look forward to, maybe, is once you finish school and find a secure solid job you can look into adopting a cat. Having a pet in the family can help you as much, if not more then, adding a new medication to your cocktail or increasing the dose. Holding a purring cat is a hell of a lot more calming then valium.

    I find if I close my eyes and recall the last time I held a cat, I can almost feel my blood pressure fall. Yup, I’m a Crazy Cat Guy!

    OX

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  4. Hi Asdquefty. Thank you so much for you wonderful comment. It was so heartfelt, encouraging and supportive. Yes, it is tremendously hard to keep going, isn’t it?

    I am definitely finding my motivation levels are sinking, at this point. There are some reasons for that, but no point in getting into them, here. Too personal. Well, maybe not? It’s not like I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, write about them on my blog. No. It’s just they could be a post, themselves?

    Oh, forget it! It sounds like I’m holding back to any people reading! I’m now getting stressed about moving on to Clinic Rotations. That’s the “next step.” That next step, actually leads to getting a job. Reintegrating myself into the “real world.” That is nothing compared to what it was like, in getting my shit together to go back to school. My anxiety and fear is really getting to me on that front!

    A cat? I just can’t after my baby boy died several years ago. People have suggested I get another one after that happened. I also had a baby girl who died when I had them both.

    However, the circumstances of his death–just too traumatic. Despite the fact that I love cats so much, just like you, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have another wee, furry friend. At least not a live one.

    Thanks again, sweetie.

    OX

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