When situations in my life have caused my anxiety to reach an apogee where it actually freezes (thus making me freeze there, as well), I’ve been forced into making decisions.  Since said decisions have been thrust upon me by that anxiety, the process has also been born of that same anxiety.  What to do…? What to do…?

As “simple” as it sounds, it really all comes down to this: Which is more anxiety provoking? Sitting there, doing nothing, still wringing your hands about it all, or making a decision! It may not matter what the decision is.  Everything is situation dependent.  It is more the process.  Which action creates less anxiety? Or, if you’re really lucky, which one ameliorates it? Or, if you win the total, emotional lottery, which one wipes it clean off the board??? Hell, forget changing the arc of the apogee, just erase it altogether!!!

Today, I decided to approach School Dude and discuss my Clinic Rotations.  If you do not know, on Thursday, I was paralyzed with a depression so dark, I could not even attend school (or get out of bed, for that matter.)  Well, read Aspie Penguin’s post? When I decided to have this talk, well, I certainly was sitting high atop my apogee! Shit.  I had no clue if this was the stupidest thing I was about to do or not.

Our conversation was brief.  That was good.  However, bad, as he is sick.  Perhaps some good did come of it, as just by circumstance, I don’t have to try to buy myself more time.  Somehow, things have become buggered all over again.  Where I was initially to go, two other girls are already placed.  Only one of them will be hired permanently.  Sure, like I’ll throw myself into that (already existent), snake pit! In passing, I heard one girl speak about the environment.  It sounds pretty brutal.  Another, “No thanks.”

So, I’m back to the drawing board.  Which is also…sort of good and bad.  I’m sort of…I don’t know.  Still, kind of bad? Maybe a bit of progress made, but I’m not out of my own, personal, “snake pit.”  Oh, no.  I’m still depressed.  Very.  Not to mention, it took me two doses of Valium/Diazepam to even have the talk.  Plus, I was a complete and total, walking stim-fest before I even entered the building! *sighs*


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