I have always held great disdain for that expression.  Perhaps it’s because I fail to see any result indicative of “strength,” after dealing with loads of crap that never seems to end.  All I see is that I’m still here.  I don’t equate the two in any way, whatsoever.  Other people have.  They’ve told me so.  Still, although I very much appreciate it when they say that I have been made strong, I just do not feel so through their words.

I am still post-“ick”tal©.  I am still very sick.  Physically, psychologically and emotionally.  I should probably take a Valium/Diazepam now, to try and ease the emotional symptoms of depression and anxiety.  Even if it may only help slightly?

I’ve been thinking.  Or trying.  Within the last couple of weeks, basically every diagnosis I have, has nailed me like I have a giant target on my back.  Bipolar, Asperger’s, Epilepsy, Migraines.  The ADD and the PTSD have remained dormant (thank Zeus!) Although, the ADD tends to remain a constant in my life.  So does the Asperger’s, really, which is fine.  However, it has been exacerbated.  Triggered.

So, what was I thinking? Well, it’s kind of funny, as my thinking is so damn warped, right now.  So are my emotions.  My emotions, and the resulting stress from them, has gotten me to where I actually am at the moment.  This has happened before, but I’m too bloody out of it to remember when.  Although, I do recall it was at a time like this.  I think so.  A whole whack of my diagnoses exploded at a very crucial point in my life.  Maybe that is somehow playing a part in my thinking and what it is I’m about to say–and let’s hope what I say stays that way!

When I get better (within a few days), I’m jumping right back into things.  I’m not putting off all I have to do any longer.  Whether or not I am still afraid, to any degree, I just can’t remain adrift and continue waiting.  Yes, the “reality” of moving ahead was frightening me so much, but there is another “reality” I need to face.  That is (obviously), not moving ahead.  And it isn’t strictly to do with psychological aspects.  No, practical ones, too.  I am now back to the desperation of needing a job immediately! Right where I was when I started school in January.  Well, I always needed a job immediately.  However, as time passed, my “Terror Meter” continued to rise.

Yes, a whole bunch of things went completely topsy-turvy at school recently.  However, had they gone to plan, I would already be doing my Clinic Rotations now (what caused me flip to out so much!)  Maybe by now, I’d even be done with them, completely! Hell, maybe by now I’d even have a job! I know I can’t turn back the clock.  I can only live in the present.  But that is what I must do: live in the present, not just sit in it.

God, I hope this all remains in my brain when I am no longer post-“ick”tal©.  How odd, and even absurd a notion? My cognitive impairment is making me think straight?

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