Pre(r)amble: I’m still post-“ick”tal©.  It’s been a week since that nocturnal seizure and I wonder just exactly what happened.  I have never experienced complete paralysis from Todd’s paresis other than when I had my tonic-clonic.  I have also never been post-“ick”tal© for this long other than when I had my tonic-clonic.

However, I am no longer walking with my cane like a tiny, female version of the caustic and cantankerous Dr. House! Also, I think the nausea has finally started to subside.  I can eat more than soup and bread or crackers–or just plain old nothing at all.  My cognition? Well, that’s what this post is all about.  If I ever imagined I was in Kansas before, I sure as hell ain’t now!

Finally, please bear with me if you can? Due to my “cognition,” and how I need to try and explain things, this post is/will be long! Alright, let’s give it a go!

I can barely “comprehend” the fact I am still attending school.  What I am studying isn’t so difficult, but when I come home, what do I feel like? I’m a piss-assed, totally, blitzed, wasted drunk! A man looked at me walking home the other day with an expression of combined curiosity and repulsion!

I usually crow on and on when I’m post-“ick”tal© about how “I can’t think.”  No, it’s just that my thinking is “impaired.”  But I’ve never thought of it as “altered.”

Another thing I crow on and on about, is the notion of people who are mentally ill being more creative than NTs.  That, I cannot stand.  With all of my diagnoses, I’d be the richest woman on earth in terms of my “creative successes,” don’t you think? Hey, even with my writing alone! “Screw you, J. K. Rowling!” *laughing*

Even though epilepsy is not a mental illness, I’ve never considered any creative aspects of it it terms of anything I’ve done.  Of creative persons cited with epilepsy, (at least in terms of writing, although I would say overall), is Dostoyevsky.  I’m hardly Dostoyevsky. *stares at chair that is more like Dostoyevsky*  Although, I wrote a poem a few days ago that I think is alright.  I’ve also written about epilepsy when post-“ick”tal© *laughing*  I guess I just couldn’t pass up that opportunity!

So, back to my cognition.  What am I thinking? How am I thinking? It may have started with air.  Literally, I had to get outside with my cane when I had no choice, the first day when I was post-“ick”tal©.  Presumably, that gave my brain a healthy boost of oxygen to assist in its repair.  Lack of cerebral blood flow can, or may possibly, cause hypoxia under certain circumstances, types of seizures, body/brain localization etc…  Therefore, a physiological first step.  There’s more to the picture, though.

I am a shallow breather.  I don’t breathe well.  Sometimes, I even forget.  It’s probably because I’m just not a relaxed person.  At.All. *rolls eyes*

While resting throughout all of this, I was practising some deep breathing and focusing on a particular situation that was bothering me.  I actually fell asleep! When I woke up, I wasn’t so much bothered by that situation.  I did the same thing the next day when I felt panicky about some class material.  I was even afraid I might have another seizure!  Same result.  ‘It’s okay, PA.  Just breathe and see it for what it is…’

Huh? This…isn’t…right.

That day earlier.  I was outside with our current Instructor and another woman from class.  He remarked how blue the sky was, not a cloud in it.  Normally, I would never notice such a thing.  I looked up and was momentarily frozen by its colour.  The next day, it was clear and blue, too.  I continued to stare at it.  I even noticed a very, shiny, black car drive by and thought it a strange…sort of…contrast?

Why is my brain doing this? I’m noticing a lot of things in such simple, visual forms; if I keep breathing in…out…in…  I also must add, I am not a visual person.

If complicated issues arise? Breathe in…out…in…  I know I won’t remain stress free completely, of course.  Being post-“ick”tal© is a bit of a trade off.  I get a break from the extreme pressures of life by becoming very ill.  When I am no longer so ill, those extreme pressures come back with a vengeance.

I don’t mind this altered way of experiencing things.  Not at all.  But I’m still sick, you see.  I’m debilitated.  I cannot really function, even though these words may convey some idea to that effect.  Maybe?

I need to be a fully, functional, human being in order to survive.  I’ve been “non-fully, functional” for too long.  Waiting each day to wake up and see if you can then function, get on with your life.  It is not a way to survive.  This is when my epilepsy frightens me the most.  That is neither an alternate, nor an altered reality.

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  1. *Hug* I must say you sound a lot better then you did a while ago. As odd as it is I encourage you to enjoy noticing such things while you can! I spent until the end of high school looking at the ground and the only thing I got out of it was a lot of found change. ;)

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  2. Hi Canageek. Hugs back. But hold off on the sounding a lot better? Or feeling so? I woke up today with some sore legs and am rather spaced out and more nauseous. Another nocturnal? Bloody hell.

    Yes, I agree about noticing things this way. I also agree about walking around and only looking at the ground. All of my life and still the same. Aspie! I still find a lot of change, but when I was a kid, $20! A few years ago, $10! *laughing*

    I also wanted to toss in a bit more about Dostoyevsky, in case anyone who stumbles upon this is interested. His epilepsy gig was that he experienced psychic auras (or Simple Partial seizures) that were quite something for him. They pretty much sent him to a “happy place?” However, the seizures that followed for him were awful!

    This has happened at least once for me that I remember. I had a psychic aura where I felt like I was a form of Artificial Intelligence and it was quite enjoyable! I’m not joking.

    Perhaps things are working in reverse for me while being post-“ick”tal, this time around. I have also experienced something I found called “post-ictal bliss.” Rare and debatable, as always? I had to go look up the post as I’ve forgotten so much that I’ve written here about my seizures. Within that post, I did write about feeling completely “altered,” as well. I said I felt “stoned.” *rolls eyes*

    However, back to Dostoyevsky. He wrote about his epilepsy the most through his novel, “The Idiot.” I really should get a copy. Although, I do have a very good quote from the book in another book I have. Extremely interesting:

    He was thinking, incidentally, that there was a moment or two in his epileptic condition almost before the fit itself…when suddenly amid the sadness, spiritual darkness, and depression, his brain seemed to catch fire at brief moments, and with an extraordinary momentum his vital forces were strained to the utmost all at once. His sensation of being alive and his awareness increased tenfold at those moments which flashed by like lightening. His mind and heart were flooded by a dazzling light. All his agitation, all his doubts and worries, seemed composed in a twinkling, culminating in a great calm, full of serene and harmonious joy and hope, full of understanding and the knowledge of the final cause. But those moments, those flashes of intuition, were merely the presentiment of the last second (never more than a second) which preceded the actual fit. This second was, of course, unendurable.

    Reflecting about it afterward, when he was well again, he often said to himself that all those gleams and flashes of the highest awareness and, hence, also of the “highest mode of existence,” were nothing but a disease, a departure from the normal condition… “What if it is a disease?” he decided at last. “What does it matter that it is an abnormal tension, if the result, if the moment of sensation, remembered and analyzed in a state of health, turns out to be harmony and beauty brought to their highest point of perfection…”

    Sounds like it’s time for me to hit a second hand bookstore!

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  3. arifaery

    Here I am, popping in again after a long absence. My mental stuff has been largely unstable over the past few months. I’m hoping with the new ADHD meds I’m taking I’ll soon have enough mental capacity to actually read through blogs, and maybe even post (gasp!).

    I kind of like the image of PA as a smaller version of House. I love House, thought that may be because I have never personally interacted with such a character. Uh…and skip the pain killer addiction. Does horrible things to your liver.

    As far as the noticing things more (like the blue sky). Either your manic (LOL) or you are exemplifying a certain theory. With all the chaos and complication of the human mind, we tend to over look the simple things. It is when we are operating in our most simplistic form that we notice things like how bright colors are, or how each bird has its own unique sound. Just a theory, but it explains why children are do much more connected to their world.

    Anyway, sorry your post-“ick”tal (and sorry for using your copywritten term) but I am glad that you seem to be doing better than past post-“ick”talnesses. :)

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  4. Sleep is good. Doing the deep breathing is good. I find, however, that if I breathe TOO deeply, it sends my heart rate up and throws me off. A lot. As in, muscle spasms and strange feelings I don’t much care for. Sleep, however, is good. Speaking of which, I’m off to bed… Be well. ~BB

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  5. Hi arifaery. Good to see you. As always, not to worry about your “absences” from my blog. I’m sorry to hear that things have been rather (or as you say largely) unstable for you. I also hope the stims will work. Mine did wonders–well, as many wonders as they could. No panaceas.

    Me as a small House? Well, fun to “play” as a character, but I fear my disposition would not match his at all. Maybe just my flat, Aspie face? Well, I do have a very sarcastic sense of humour, but I would hardly call it “caustic.”

    Yes, it was all very strange to experience the world in that manner. I’m not so sure what to make of it now. Although, I still seem to be caught a bit of that post-“ick”tal netherworld. Still functional (to a degree) but still quite sick. I don’t even know if this is making much sense…well, I think so? And don’t worry about my copywritten term. I made it up for funsies! I do like it, though.

    True, perception, our brains. Excellent comment about our learned states of so many things that can or does create a “chaos.” Children being more open, minds so much more fertile. It is why they can just soak up information as well, learn so much and faster than we do–possible brain “hardware” issues there, as well?

    Take care dear,
    PA

    Hi brokenbrilliant. Nice to meet you and welcome to my blog. I’ve taken a look at yours and it seems very interesting. I think I have it Bookmarked on my other machine. Sorry, I’m a bit broken and not so brilliant, right now. Or more so than usual? Also, sorry for the delayed response, but that was all explained above in a more recent post.

    Absolutely, sleep is imperative. That doesn’t sound so great at all about your increased breathing rate and subsequent muscle spasms. I don’t know anything about you and Dr. PA is not a real doctor, but something to do with increased oxygen to the muscles? Granted, could be a whole lot more going on due to your head injury. Although…

    …it sort of gives me pause for thought. I’ve noticed lately re: one of my Simple Partials, which is an arrythmia. It’s been popping up slightly all the time recently. I’m not sure if it is because of the seizing of late, or my breathing!

    Oh brains, eh? You be well, too.
    PA

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