But I need to see me.  And it’s hard.  That’s why I’m not talking.  I’m regressing.  And I’m also trying to function.

The thought came to me last night.  It’s very hard to explain.  Even if I had a therapist I can’t imagine what the fuck.  I need to try and turn how I grew up entirely on its head, then backwards and do it alone–to myself.  At least when there was another party involved to “parent” it was “easier?”

I’ll be back…who the hell knows when.  Sorry for worries and lack of response, I really am.  I’ll get to you all.  But that’s just it.  Just one of how many things I need to tackle? Sorry, sorry, sorry… *hangs head in shame*

I don’t even know if this is possible.  But the ways I’ve always been…it’s killing me.  Body, mind and spirit.  It’s ruining my life.  Or it already has? It may still continue to do so?

Speaking of body, yes, physical health problems.  I saw Sweetie GP today, and on top of all the other items outstanding, she’s ordered a whole battery of tests.  I will also be seeing her Dietitian.  Sick, I am.


  1. Anon



  2. awww. *HUG*


  3. it is so nearly impossible to step away from our pasts, which would be Ideal for so many of us. I wish you all the best in trying to turn yours around some how to have it make sense for you currently.

    i will keep popping back here when i can, and if i don’t see updates in a reasonable amount of time (Aspie Penguin notwithstanding) i will attempt to chicken soup you by other means.



  4. Hi Anon. Thanks very much for coming by and offering me that link. I really appreciate it.

    Hi Canageek. Thanks, hon. *hugs*

    Hi Arkay. Yes, what you say is so, very true. I am going to try and write up something about all of this now. I know I was so up in the air about coming back, but someone (or even a few people…everyone…myself a bit…?) has sort of dragged me out of silence today. I’m communicating with people online, even if it may not be so much.

    Aspie Penguin is nearly as exhausted as I am. He’s running around, flippers a’ flappin’! Almost beside himself trying to deal with me. I’m this lump that meanders from bed to a chair in front of the television. Oh, the bathroom on occasion, too. Ugh.



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