To Email or Not to Email…To Email or Not to…

Actually, it’s more a question of when.  Not whether I’m going to do it.  Maybe I should do it now while I’m stoned out of my mind.  Gravol to attempt to quell the post-“ick”tal© nausea, and Valium to try and keep the anxiety and depression at bay (that also come along with the package.)  Although, my Valium doesn’t make me stoned.

I have an outstanding email to send but I’ve been procrastinating.  I had to take care of another first that had triggered something, and that led up to me not sending the other one.  On top of that, before I received the email that triggered me, the one I am putting off was going to be emotionally laden enough–and potentially triggery on its own! However, it does have its good points, too! *sighs*

There are three people in my family that I care about.  Plus, an extremely, confusing fourth.  That would be my mother.  I am no longer tied to her as a small child without choice.  Now, I am tied to her of my own volition.  There’s a reason for that.  That reason is actually one point of my procrastination.

The other three that I actually care about? That would be my sister, my cousin C. (from non-bio dad’s side) and his mother (married into non-bio dad’s side, but divorced long ago, and recently widowed.)  Do I need to point anything out there that might be a bit triggery? Also, do I need to point out that I didn’t use the word love? I don’t think I even could.

Maybe the rest of them can, all of them can but…  Oh, I’ve heard the word enough.  Bandied about, all around, and once I became old enough to comprehend its concept, did I even feel it from them then?

Well, I know I don’t feel it now! I suppose it’s not so much of a problem when you “presume” something, then manage to grasp the certainty of it in your head.  Nonetheless, when a cold, hard reality hits you straight in the face, you may still get a bit of a shock.

I haven’t spoken to non-bio dad (and by extension the rest of them) in three years now.  It wasn’t a conscious decision.  Time made it for me.  It kept rolling 7’s on a point game, while I slumped in front of the slots with an empty wallet.  But that group? The odds of finding love from them really are like winning the $1,000,000 from that 25 cent machine.  They don’t hang around casinos, though.  No, they wouldn’t be able to adapt to that environment.  They don’t gamble.  They play for keeps.

Vultures, high atop in their trees of denial.  They fly to each other’s trees every so often.  Actually, quite often.  Circling around in their venue, large arcs indicating their pack-like mentality.  There’s only a middle ground in their preternatural wilderness.  If you’re weak or display any signs of being so, you can’t find anything large enough to hide behind on the landscape.  If you’re too strong, you can’t run faster than the entire horde.  Either way, they’ll tear you apart, bleed you in seconds, and eat you simply as a snack in between meals.

So, why haven’t I sent that email yet? It’s to my cousin’s mother.  This woman was like a mother to me.  I didn’t see her often as she and her son lived on the other side of the country.  But when I did, I never left her arms, her lap.  Even when not a child.  Hell, if I saw her now, it probably wouldn’t change and I’m 40 years old! I received more affection from her than I did my own mother.  That’s not a judgment.  Just fact.  My mother is unbelievably, mentally ill.  She is untreated and never has been her entire life.  Definitely Bipolar but sometimes I can almost see all of my diagnoses in her.

Hearing the news from my cousin that this woman’s husband died was upsetting enough.  But then he followed it up by asking if anyone had told me.  WHAM! Remember what I said up there about having a grasp of it in your head but…? Now, let me get this straight Vultures.  I mean so little to you, that someone dies and you still won’t speak to me? I see.  Or rather, I don’t see! Bloody hell! I don’t think I want to see!!! I don’t think I can see!!! You’ve just swooped down and plucked out my eyes with your razor sharp beaks!!!

As for the rest of the triggery? Well, it will be so good to re-establish contact, and she wants to hear from me very much.  Although, she and my mother were extremely close.  I want to bring up bio-dad with her.  You see, that is why I am now tied to my mother of my own volition.  She is starting to open up about my conception and who my father really is.  My mother may have shared some things with this woman.  If so, I want to find out what those things were.


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