I’ve often wondered if I am one of “those people.”  You know the type, right? They live, breathe, practically devour the continual chaos they create for themselves.  I’ll stay away from the psychobabble and medical jargon (I know, on this blog?!) However, there are now “terms” for “those people.”  They may even be able to get help for their “affliction.”

Then again, maybe “those people” just need to look in the mirror and shut the fuck up.  Now there’s some good therapy.

Okay, Socrates.  I do try.  Sometimes I may try to much.  In fact, I’m pretty sure of it.  Ripping apart every little piece of myself, putting it on slides over and over again.  Examine, re-examine, get a new slide…  I can’t count the number of microscopes I’ve broken.  I guess that’s a fair indication, then.

So in the end, is my life worth living or not? That’s not really what I’m looking for, though: “The unexamined life is not worth living.”  It’s about content, yet even still, begging the question of its worth seems tangential at best, and merely ponderable at worst!

Nonetheless, if I’m one of “those people,” I do look in the mirror, just as the microscope, and I do tell myself to shut the fuck up.  Or maybe I don’t.  Maybe the mirror is just another slide, eh Socrates? Or, it’s another piece from a broken microscope, which makes me start your process all over again.  But then it becomes meaningless, because eventually, I realize that the mirror’s broken.

Maybe I don’t need a mirror so much as I thought.  I can still tell myself to shut the fuck up without it? No.  I need to somehow see what I am telling myself to shut the fuck up about.

Hey, at least I can admit all of this? You’ve got to give me some points for that.  It may be more than can be said for “those people.”  But, the question remains unanswered.  How much of the chaos in my life am I ultimately responsible for?

Years ago, I was seeing a therapist, and she gave me a tiny scrap of paper with this quote from Nietzsche: “You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”  I wanted to tell both her and Nietzsche to shove a BBQ charcoal briquette up their asses, do a jig, and then shit me out a diamond instead.

Yeah, yeah…I get the picture…I gotta shit out my own star.

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  1. Bullshit. The unenjoyed life is not worth living! I’m the least happy when I stop to think and examine myself: I get lonely and angry. When I am busy and moving I feel great! I”m like a bike, most stable and fun at high speeds even if you don’t have a ton of control! Have you considered that you might be the same way? That you should tell Socrates to stick it in his ear?

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  2. Hi Canageek. That’s a nice twist on the phrase. However, I fear I was born with the “Analytical Gene.”

    When do I feel great? When do I feel lonely and angry? When do I feel stable? When do I feel like I am having the most fun? How do I feel if I am running at high speeds, even if I don’t have a lot of control?

    You see, even now I am analyzing (or examining) my life. The irony? A lot of those questions, I can’t even answer…or can I? I think only within context, perhaps. Except for stability–at least in a general sense. I feel the most stable when I have a routine.

    Regardless, I think I must continually examine my own life. No matter what it may yield: positive, negative or simply what it is. It is a process of growth. Actually, it may even be a form of regression (or does it just feel like it?)

    Still, I believe it does propel me forward, and despite how much I may want to resist, it teaches me valuable lessons. Even if they aren’t apparent at the time, I can only hope they will be revealed to me in the future.

    I often forget during the process, if it becomes a bit of a tornado, but I have been able to look back before. And I have seen that lessons were revealed at later times. All I can sometimes do is try and find some sort of anchor when the tornadoes hit.

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