I’m trying to “decide” whether or not I can get out of bed for the rest of the day.  Decide.

They say you always have decisions and choices in life, but what if life makes those decisions and choices for you? Then it places you almost in a trap.  Sure, there may still be some left, but what of their variability? Does life only offer up so many choices? Even then, do you make the decision or does life remain the trickster that it is, only to allow you to think you’ve done it.  When it has again.

Today didn’t begin so well.  I got up, took my meds, grabbed some breakfast.  Hey! Some self-care! Good for me, right? I went back to my bed and with barely a spoonful into me, I started choking from uncontrollable, heaving sobs.  At least it wasn’t like when I was in the restaurant the other night, fighting back the urge not to water down my Pad Thai.  No, I was at home and free to make my cereal as soupy as I wished.

Life is offering me one choice right now, and that is to move ahead.  Wait.  No.  There is another choice.

I briefly considered throwing myself into hospital and had I enough strength to laugh, I would have rolled right off my bed! After so many of them now (seven) they are of no use to me.  I’m either going to off myself (and it will be successful) or I won’t.  That is not to say I am going to do it at the moment, but those are my “choices.”  Quite simply put: basically, black and white.

This black and white dichotomy will no doubt travel with me all of my life.  That is, until I choose the “other” option? Not to move ahead? I probably never will choose to kill myself, but nothing is without the realm of possibility.  And please, let us refrain from any debates regarding suicide? I’m not really in the mood, if you haven’t already figured that out.

To move ahead is my reality, though.  Realities, dichotomies, blacks and whites.  It’s very easy to read the dichotomies in black and white on a page: you can’t have joy without sorrow; pleasure without pain; love without loss; loss without grief; fear without anger…  I needn’t go on.  But the reality of it?

I know I’ve had my share.  Even just recently if you’ve been reading this blog, and I’m still facing some issues.  So often, I don’t know what to do about all of those things above.  It’s another dichotomy I face.  I’m either numb, or in so much pain I can barely function.  It’s usually the former.

Not long ago, I spoke to someone who said they had been through so much, it was like their entire world was completely obliterated in the process.  The fact that they survived, was almost a testament that they could presumably get through anything? I thought them kind of lucky, even though that process was surely a living hell.

I guess my life hasn’t reached the point of becoming such a nuclear wasteland (yet?) Maybe it will become so…maybe even soon? And then I’ll be left standing amidst nothing but rubble.  All on my own, as well.

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