Archive for June, 2010

I just logged on and thought an email there was…a FOAD.

Much to my surprise, it wasn’t.

I was awarded something.  Money from a scholarship that I had applied for a while a back.  I was thinking, “No news is good news?”  Usually, FOADs come via snail mail (trust me, I got a FOAD from another Scholarship/Bursary in the mail not long ago.)

No.  It’s a Provincial Scholarship.  There were several different categories, based upon the student (I applied for the Continuing Studies category since I am adult doing Continuing Studies!) It also had a financial limit.  There was only so much money the Organization was offering overall.

I was going to say I didn’t win the lottery but no, I think I did! The dollar amount isn’t massive but I think that is, again, because of the geographical territory.

I have been invited to this Organization’s Official Reception on a certain date to receive my Award.  I guess I’ll be there with be there with bells with on? It will public.  My photograph will be taken, I’m sure! ACK! Also, if you haven’t figured it out yet, it has “something” to do with one of my diagnoses!

So, dunno what to say.  And speaking of “dunno what to say”…well, through so many years, in corporate…if they want me to speak? Okay.  And I’m such a Stigma Buster, too.  But enough of that.

I’m just totally in shock right now.

I’ve also been such a fan of this Organization, too. *grin*

I should be happy I tried to engage with the online world.  Don’t know what to say about that but nope.

I should be happy I’m actually cooking but I don’t I don’t want to eat it.

I should be happy I managed to get a bit of work done but it all feels for nothing.

I should be happy that…

…I was happy earlier.

I was.

A bit?

Maybe that was a guise, too.  Wouldn’t surprise me in the least.

Writing these posts is a bitch, but living the words are even worse.  I was going to stay away from my blog, Twitter, just everything, but I read a comment that could have led to confusion, it led me to confusion (and it was by no fault of the commenter!)

So, just…


For the benefit or not, here’s the deal.  I’m back where I was several years ago.  I am in the stages of actively planning how to kill myself.  Last night, I spent a significant amount of time engrossed in researching all that I did before to take my life, while simultaneously dealing with any outstanding issues regarding “Legalities.”

Trust me.  This isn’t a great place to be, but at least I’m familiar with it.

I am a void.  I am a void, standing on the edge of a huge void.  The only thing that is keeping me from falling into that void, is a piece of string, 1/18 the size of a strand of dental floss.

Therefore, excuse me if I am either random or absent while I try and get my shit together.  As always, this blog is nothing but honest, and this is a really, fucking honest post.

I’ve always said I can’t make promises whether I’ll take my own life or not.  This is not meant to scare anyone, or send ripples of panic throughout the psych blogosphere.  Again, I am just being honest.  I actually have a thought in mind to let you all know if I go? But let’s not “go” there.  Just yet.

I’ve been doing some addition in my life, adding things up, calculating sums of all parts of me, and what only seems to be the end result are minuses on the other side of the equation.  It’s as they say, when you die, you see your life flash before your eyes.  I’m not dying (yet) but this is happening.   In a similar form, as I add up these things more and more, I feel I have less and less to offer the world.  As time progresses, so does this equation.  As I keep watching my life events and those negatives build, more and more of me drifts away along with what I see.  I become that equation in a “living” form.

I’ve said to a few people that at 40, I’m not having a mid-life crisis, I’m having mid-life epiphanies.  Perhaps this is one of them, albeit not one that sounds very pleasant.  To certain ears? To all ears, perhaps, however it may still ring true.

I’m tired of making excuses.  Sure, life can turn on a dime.  Apologies in advance for any more cliches, by the way.  Is my writing even going down the tubes with all else? Nonetheless, I am tired of it.  I’m sick of saying it’s stress, it’s just a rough patch, it’s this, it’s that.  I don’t even know exactly how much these things have contributed to this entire issue, but does it matter? I’m still where I am.  Right here and now.

You may think that my age is irrelevant.  Well, I do too.  What is relevant is my life’s content.

“Content.”  Say it differently.  To be happy? Is it a factor? If so, how does that extremely, vague entity play into all of this? I don’t think it can.  It shifts too much.  That is its nature.  Which is fine.  It is a fleeting experience like so many others.  It just doesn’t apply to what I am talking about, here.  Except?

One may argue that I am not happy right now.  I concede.  I am not.  But remember, it is fleeting.  However, just because it is fleeting and some form of “unhappiness” leaves me at this present moment, it does not mean I will be “happy” the next.  I may be something…”different?” And overall, no matter what other shifting, fleeting experience that may be, it won’t stop the above equation.  It still won’t factor in, as these feelings are dynamic and not static.

One may argue that my entire line of thinking is wrong, altogether! PA, you’ve got lots to offer! Well, not to insult you or demean you in any way, as I do love anyone who reads me, anyone who comments (and I may not get any comments after saying this!) Although, if you do want to comment, feel free.  This blog has always been an open space.  But still, let me ask.  How well do any of you know me? Do you really know what I have to offer (or not, in this case.)

I’ve been wrong about many things before, but math is based upon concrete rules? Yes? Things that are proven.  Some extremely, difficult problems still remain “mysteries,” yet unsolvable.  However, I’m still watching my life pass by, and my quite simple equation is continuing to result in only adding sums that result in minuses.  As I remain that “living” equation, it’s really not much of a life at all, is it?

I really would like to feel differently.  I would.  But I don’t.

This was a very difficult post for me to write.  I fear it may have been difficult for some of you to read.  I am very sorry for that.

Quickie update here.  I just got off the phone with Non-Arsey Neuro.  No appointment required, simply because we did confirm that I am the Biggest Neurological Oddity on the Planet!

Why am I feeling post-“ick”tal© after I’ve had a migraine? Also, even more bizarre, why am I losing motor function in my legs, and also feeling post-“ick”tal© after I’ve had an Asperger’s meltdown? Well, quite simply, my neurons are misfiring all over the goddamn place, to such a degree that…well?

Folks, it looks like my brain is so screwed up, even without any seizure manifestation, if it gets overloaded to a enough of a degree…It’s gonna think it had one!!! Or I had one!!! Regardless, a seizure that didn’t happen!!! YES!!!


Let’s face it.  No one likes to be sick.  If you don’t know, I am.  If you haven’t been following me on Twitter, I’ve been displaying the fact a fair bit, as if I were prancing along, wearing a rainbow, feather boa, acting like the bitchiest Drag Queen on a rainy Pride Day! Or worse!

ASIDE: It’s okay.  I’m allowed to make any snide remarks about the GLBT etc… Community all I want.  I’m gay.  It’s not “Discrimination.”  It’s called “Reclaiming Our Identity.”

I would like to say I do not get cranky when I get sick.  That is, because I would like to think I am a pure, white, Angel of Heaven, that sprinkles only goodness wherever she goes.  Following that, you must now be wondering what my temperature is right now.  Has it grown so high that I may have something like Dengue, forcing me to become delusional? No, I don’t have Dengue or anything similar.  I just have to face the reality that I’m not a pure, white, Angel of Heaven, that sprinkles only goodness wherever she goes.

So, the question still remains.  I did make mention to another blogger named May, that I had enough mental maladies that resulted in physical fallout, that I didn’t want to have to deal with “normal” sickness.  Well, too bad for the pure, white, Angel of Heaven, huh? I’ve also been thinking about living in Gastro Hell for the last few years, and how that may have (or does?) affect my immune system.  Has that buggered everything up? Well, nothing I can do about that! Especially when what nails me is some form of viral gastroenteritis! Which it seems I now have? And I am currently back, squarely living in Gastro Hell. *shakes head*

Speaking of nailing, I’m sure someone is going to come along and suggest some form of natural therapy as a pre-emptive strike.  Yes, I know they are out there.  I’ve even tried some in the past, but they are generally for upper respiratory problems.  And true, I have issues with those, however, we can wait until the fall and winter for that?

This post is becoming boring with a capital “B!” Well, that’s what you get from someone who’s been in bed for a week.

I’m finding that being sick these days is making me frustrated and depressed.  It never used to do that.  The ongoing combination of the above? Mental maladies leading to the physical, and then just “normal” sick? Stress? Well, I’m far from under “normal” stress! Most of you know that already! Plus, it’s not so much the stress that leads to me getting sick–although it can, but that’s not the point, here.  The stress just makes me…cranky?

It bothers me though.  I’m not a “cranky” person.  I always say that.  I always have.  I always say I never get angry, too.  I think I’m slowly finding out these may be lies? Further, I don’t think it has anything to do with being sick.  Now what’s bothering me more, is having to face these “lies.”

I need to make an appt. with Non-Arsey Neuro.  I also need to do some other things.

I need to try and turn off my nutbar radar, somehow.  If I can’t do that, I need to learn to stay away from said nutbars, and stop discussing both their mental health issues and my own.  If I can’t do that, then I need to be prepared to get the snot beaten out of me by angry wives (who are also nutbars) when they find me having such intimate discussions with their husbands about such delicate topics.  If I can’t do that, I need be prepared to play both individual and couple’s counsellor.

I also need to stop drinking when taking clients out for business meetings, even if it’s not much.  I need to not care if anyone else wants to imbibe at the table.  I need to think about the bill I have to pay at the end of the meeting.  I need to remember I don’t have a job, so paying exorbitant restaurant bills with no income is more than a tad ridiculous.

That was pretty much how things went, yesterday.  Although, the meeting happened first, and he wasn’t the nutbar with the wife that wanted to send me straight to hospital.  That all happened later when my business partner and I decided to move on and discuss other things.  So, a bit of a “busy day?” What do you think?

Regardless, it got this little Aspie pretty riled.  All of the yellin’ and screamin’! I’m in the middle of it, initially trying to  defend myself and avoid a rather unpleasant trip to the ER.  Then, I’m all of the sudden this insane woman’s best friend, and she’s all over me.  My business partner is just sitting there in a daze.  Ahhh…help me out here! He tried, but nope! She’d have none of that! She only wanted Dr. PA!

Enter Non-Arsey Neuro.  When I finally got home, feeling like an Aspie cannonball that had been shot half way around the world, there was some spazzing out in quite a nice fashion.  Dr. PA was even stimming like hell in front of the two nutbars during her “session,” so no surprise some floodgates would open when she got home.

Well, here we go like that last meltdown (although I wasn’t totally melting down last night.)  More along the lines of: What the hell? Oh, my god! AAAAIIIEEEE!!!

So.  As before, I needed my cane to walk around, as I was all stumbly, bumbly! Plus, I’m feeling like I’m post-“ick”tal© and disgusting–as before.  And no…I didn’t seize.  Unless it was so small, so miniscule that…? What.  Becoming overstimulated due to having Asperger’s is somehow involving a simultaneous seizure, that is so minute, I can’t even recognize it? Also, only certain seizures have left me feeling post-“ick”tal© the next day.

I also need to talk to him about some cross polarizing lenses, and maybe even some some blue tinted ones, as well.  I’m feeling like I’m becoming more and more sensitive to light.  Not good when I have so many seizures that do affect my eyes.  There is some discussion that they may help with migraines, too.  Light has always been a problem for me.  I popped out of the womb with burgeoning photosensitivity!

I needed to cancel a meeting with School Dude, today.  I’m still sick.  Not that I mentioned this before, but I thought I had accidentally given myself a dose of food poisoning.  Perhaps, not.  I do wash my hands when I cook, and I did not take the frozen chicken out of its packaging and leave it sitting on the kitchen counter to defrost.  A bit of an annoying infection that’s got me? It’s a coming and going thing.  I feel fine for a bit and then not.  I’ve been like this since Saturday and he already knows about it.

Back on track and better tomorrow? I’m definitely not capable of much today! Gravol…Valium…  For the nth time: I hate my brain!

Maybe not all of them, but I think I can see that, perhaps, I shouldn’t whine too much about being “abandoned.”  To cut the chase: it takes a fuck of a lot of patience to deal with me.

I look back on at least a few, and wow.  Talk about pushing the envelope.  More like I threw it across the room, then ripped it to shreds.  That said, is it any surprise they’re still not around?

Make no mistake.  I’m not throwing a pity party for myself.  Granted, this topic doesn’t exactly make me feel cheery.  I’m just trying to be “real.”  Trying to be honest? Trying to make amends? Even if I’ll never see these people again in my life.  So, I apologize to you, people.

I always say I put other people’s needs first.  This has now led me to question that.  Do I? Well, based upon the above, maybe not so much? No, at times I think I have proven myself to be quite selfish.  Quite! This doesn’t exactly make me feel “cheery,” either.  In fact, it makes me feel rather disgusting about myself.  However, facing the truth is always best, even if it makes you want to crawl under a rock and die!

But seriously.  Who likes to admit these things? Who does jump up, so excitedly, proclaiming qualities they have that make them feel like crud?

Now for a real ugly.  Do I do this unwittingly or not? Do I actually take advantage of people around me? I’m not entirely sure because a lot of the time I may not even be aware I’m doing it.  Well, I’m pretty sure that I don’t ever know I’m doing it! No.  I actually don’t know.  But here’s the rub.  I think.  And I’m trying to keep my diagnoses out of this, to be “real,” but they are a part of me, and do affect how I interact with people.  So Asperger’s=WTF with communication for me.  ADD=Impulsivity which always gets me into trouble.  My Bipolar can obviously get me pretty wingy and unpredictable! Nonetheless…

I think the problem is, the longer you get to know someone, the longer you feel you can rely upon them.  Thus, the longer they will put up with your shit–even if you don’t know you’re pulling it.  So, ’round, ’round she goes…where she stops…  Well, nobody does know.  With each progressive spin, the longer the relationship lasts, and you can start taking things for granted.  Until…

…the Merry-Go-Round grinds to a screeching halt.  Everyone has their limits.  And I can now say with complete confidence, I’ve made some Merry-Go-Rounds just about fall off their axles! Forget about them grinding to a halt!

I think it’s time for me to work on this a bit.  And further, it may not even apply to longer term relationships.  No, this can occur with very short term ones, too.  Maybe? I’ve met some very selfish people who I’ve thought should shut the fuck up! Absolutely! I’ve been astounded by their behaviour!

Pot.Kettle.Black? Or maybe (hopefully?) just a very pale shade of gray? I’ll never be white, but I’ll go for the closest I can get to it.

Yes, my “morning after” posts.  Well, this is actually the same day, as the previous post was written while I was deciding whether or not to pull an all-nighter.  Usually, my “morning after” posts are reserved for when I engage in a cutting.  Or, maybe when I feel I need to apologize for some kind of whack-a-doo writing that I did before.  Which, I suppose, would be this type.

EDIT: Type.  Typing.  How long have been at this now? Hours.  I have no clue how many.  Wait, I found an estimate. Six.Hours. I’m not here.  I’m becoming less and less here, I think.  I keep getting sidetracked and interrupted.  I can’t focus.  I wa…okay, I was going to say I felt a bit more clear earlier, but I think I was just interrupted by a small seizure.  That may explain the “…becoming less and less here…” A bit of floaty and some rapid eye blinking, a tiny loss of postural tone?

Okay, better be a bit vigilant.  Keep Wonder Cane nearby? *shakes ridiculous head*  Both he and seizing fit in below with getting sick.  Alright, let’s pick up from where I was typing earlier before the “sick stuff.”

So, yeah.  Sorry for the “whack-a-doo.”  However, I now feel a milliliter of relief inside me, as one person I thought I had hurt, or upset, told me I didn’t.  Which, may I add, was all to do with me being a “Supreme Idiot and Stupendous Arse.”  I have now realized that this is my birthright.  Either that, or I have a new Developmental Disorder: SISA.

This person also told me that my “whack-a-doo,” was fine.  Rarely (if ever?) do know how my posts come across, or how they will be perceived.  I definitely do not know how this either reads of sounds.  All I know is I am slow in composing it, it’s absolutely monstrous, it’s flat as a pancake (well, my brain is) and I’m questioning how much control do I really have over what I’m writing.  I think I’m getting a better handle on that by going over and over it, but it’s only resulting in me making it longer.  I pity you.

Others, like the person above, have told me my “whack-a-doos” really don’t sound so bad at all, too.  Maybe my rip roarin’ tears aren’t as devastating as I think.  Well, I know I still feel pretty stupid after writing them.

Now, moving on to my “pancake brain.”  Another person that I think I’ve hurt or upset (that I probably haven’t?) but I still think I have? Well, this is just how my pancake brain works.  Even if you did put in less milk, add two eggs, not stir it up too much, you would think it fluffier? Well, you’d be wrong.  It’s still a pancake brain.  You still end up tossing it on a griddle and it gets fried, anyway.  I still think I upset the person.  I know…I know…  But once a pancake brain; always a pancake brain?

That person may have seen my batter getting ready to be plopped directly into the centre of the pan.  In fact, I was just waiting for it.  Or, something else to come barging through a door in my head from one of my other diagnoses! I’m actually surprised that it didn’t happen sooner with everything that’s going on! It’s been a while since my life stressors have given me a good “Brain Go Pop!” Maybe better put in this case, “Brain Go Boom?”

And thus, Aspie Meltdown Time! It was pretty bad (well they all are) and I feel like I want to die.  It’s extremely exhausting to get back to where you were before, even if you were barely functioning at all.

Last night, I went to bed with “Teddy.”  I literally cried myself to sleep.  Yes, you are reduced to a baby when you have a meltdown and you are on the Spectrum.  I have mentioned Teddy before.  He is the only one that has loved me all my life.  He was given to me as a baby and I still have him! I even woke up while still asleep, and realized I only had one arm wrapped around him, not two as before.  NO! Must cuddle Teddy! Can’t start freaking out again!

Oh, dear god.  What.A.Mess.

But something different happened this time.  The only “difference” I’ve basically noted, is if I’m stimming in any way or not when I have a meltdown.  Last night, I was totally perseverating.  And come to think of it, I was perseverating yesterday afternoon when out running some errands! I should have seen this coming myself? Oh, but how often can we do that?

What was different? Apart from my mind completely falling apart, my body did too.  I didn’t have a seizure last night.  No.  But I couldn’t walk! Well, I could, but I needed Wonder Cane to help me manage, so I wouldn’t fall or crash into anything.  Now, what on earth is THAT all about? My legs are still a bit funny today, and I’m shaking a bit.  The tremors? Still pretty…ugh?

I also feel like I’m post-“ick”tal© but I didn’t have a seizure! No. But I feel sick.  As always for that, Valium to try and calm the Depression and Anxiety, and Gravol to try and settle my stomach and the nausea.  I’m also cognitively impaired to a degree that may not even be measurable! Right on the button for feeling post-“ick”tal©! I won’t bother to list everything else I go through.  I also mentioned in March, that I had noted some signs and symptoms of being post-“ick”tal© after having a migraine.  They weren’t as bad, but I still felt kind of sick.

What is my brain doing, here? I always questioned it, but now I really do think I am the biggest, neurological oddity on the planet.

PA always takes her meds.  Always.  However, she is not in a place to really want to sleep right now and…well, her body is truly a disaster.  What does a MI (Myocardial Infarction) really feel like? Resting BP 96.  That’s a wee close to Tach. but not alarming.  Let me see what my pressure is.  I laughed so hard when I got my cuff.  My arms are so goddamn small, I thought I might get a better measurement from my femoral artery!

Lord Almighty!

And let me tell you, Dr. PA has to practise with her cuff! That valve is a tricky little devil! Now do you see why Dr. PA could never become a real doctor? She can’t even manage to take people’s fucking blood pressure!

My BP has always been within normal range except for when I had the Thermoregulation Disorder issues from my tonic-clonic seizure.  That doesn’t really happen to humans.  No, just “epileptic rats.”  That’s how they discovered it.  Through research.  So, basically, I’m an epileptic rat, and when that occurred, my BP shot up to 150/100.  That was kind of neat.  Again, I’m the typical 120/80 kinda gal.

So, what’s up tonight? The chest pain? Can you “die of a broken heart?” Well, if that’s possible, I’ve come pretty damn close.  I can’t even list all the shit that’s been going on, and if you think you know just by reading this post? Let me tell you, “You don’t even know the half of it!”

Or pick any fraction.  Don’t get me wrong.  I appreciate your care and guestimations.  I do.  In fact, one reason for my chest pain (heart break)…well, more than one reason, maybe you are hopefully reading this post right now! I feel like shit! But I’m not going to mention who you are! Wha???

Excuse me.  I’m anonymous and so are you! Especially if I’m having a MI, physical, emotional or both!

Well, the decision is still up in the air…to sleep or not to sleep…  Dammit! I am med. compliant.  And everyone else should be too.  But I wouldn’t judge you if you weren’t.  I would just say it would be in your best interest.  Definitely mental, and then physical, because…they’re connected.  Crap, look at me.  No.  Don’t.

Hmmm…  I can hear the birds chirping outside.  The sun’s not up yet but they are.  And so am I…still…

Maybe some meds, some food (yeah, forgot to eat again…) and some anime? Maybe? Then I’ll get to sleep when I should be waking up.