Yes, my “morning after” posts.  Well, this is actually the same day, as the previous post was written while I was deciding whether or not to pull an all-nighter.  Usually, my “morning after” posts are reserved for when I engage in a cutting.  Or, maybe when I feel I need to apologize for some kind of whack-a-doo writing that I did before.  Which, I suppose, would be this type.

EDIT: Type.  Typing.  How long have been at this now? Hours.  I have no clue how many.  Wait, I found an estimate. Six.Hours. I’m not here.  I’m becoming less and less here, I think.  I keep getting sidetracked and interrupted.  I can’t focus.  I wa…okay, I was going to say I felt a bit more clear earlier, but I think I was just interrupted by a small seizure.  That may explain the “…becoming less and less here…” A bit of floaty and some rapid eye blinking, a tiny loss of postural tone?

Okay, better be a bit vigilant.  Keep Wonder Cane nearby? *shakes ridiculous head*  Both he and seizing fit in below with getting sick.  Alright, let’s pick up from where I was typing earlier before the “sick stuff.”

So, yeah.  Sorry for the “whack-a-doo.”  However, I now feel a milliliter of relief inside me, as one person I thought I had hurt, or upset, told me I didn’t.  Which, may I add, was all to do with me being a “Supreme Idiot and Stupendous Arse.”  I have now realized that this is my birthright.  Either that, or I have a new Developmental Disorder: SISA.

This person also told me that my “whack-a-doo,” was fine.  Rarely (if ever?) do know how my posts come across, or how they will be perceived.  I definitely do not know how this either reads of sounds.  All I know is I am slow in composing it, it’s absolutely monstrous, it’s flat as a pancake (well, my brain is) and I’m questioning how much control do I really have over what I’m writing.  I think I’m getting a better handle on that by going over and over it, but it’s only resulting in me making it longer.  I pity you.

Others, like the person above, have told me my “whack-a-doos” really don’t sound so bad at all, too.  Maybe my rip roarin’ tears aren’t as devastating as I think.  Well, I know I still feel pretty stupid after writing them.

Now, moving on to my “pancake brain.”  Another person that I think I’ve hurt or upset (that I probably haven’t?) but I still think I have? Well, this is just how my pancake brain works.  Even if you did put in less milk, add two eggs, not stir it up too much, you would think it fluffier? Well, you’d be wrong.  It’s still a pancake brain.  You still end up tossing it on a griddle and it gets fried, anyway.  I still think I upset the person.  I know…I know…  But once a pancake brain; always a pancake brain?

That person may have seen my batter getting ready to be plopped directly into the centre of the pan.  In fact, I was just waiting for it.  Or, something else to come barging through a door in my head from one of my other diagnoses! I’m actually surprised that it didn’t happen sooner with everything that’s going on! It’s been a while since my life stressors have given me a good “Brain Go Pop!” Maybe better put in this case, “Brain Go Boom?”

And thus, Aspie Meltdown Time! It was pretty bad (well they all are) and I feel like I want to die.  It’s extremely exhausting to get back to where you were before, even if you were barely functioning at all.

Last night, I went to bed with “Teddy.”  I literally cried myself to sleep.  Yes, you are reduced to a baby when you have a meltdown and you are on the Spectrum.  I have mentioned Teddy before.  He is the only one that has loved me all my life.  He was given to me as a baby and I still have him! I even woke up while still asleep, and realized I only had one arm wrapped around him, not two as before.  NO! Must cuddle Teddy! Can’t start freaking out again!

Oh, dear god.  What.A.Mess.

But something different happened this time.  The only “difference” I’ve basically noted, is if I’m stimming in any way or not when I have a meltdown.  Last night, I was totally perseverating.  And come to think of it, I was perseverating yesterday afternoon when out running some errands! I should have seen this coming myself? Oh, but how often can we do that?

What was different? Apart from my mind completely falling apart, my body did too.  I didn’t have a seizure last night.  No.  But I couldn’t walk! Well, I could, but I needed Wonder Cane to help me manage, so I wouldn’t fall or crash into anything.  Now, what on earth is THAT all about? My legs are still a bit funny today, and I’m shaking a bit.  The tremors? Still pretty…ugh?

I also feel like I’m post-“ick”tal© but I didn’t have a seizure! No. But I feel sick.  As always for that, Valium to try and calm the Depression and Anxiety, and Gravol to try and settle my stomach and the nausea.  I’m also cognitively impaired to a degree that may not even be measurable! Right on the button for feeling post-“ick”tal©! I won’t bother to list everything else I go through.  I also mentioned in March, that I had noted some signs and symptoms of being post-“ick”tal© after having a migraine.  They weren’t as bad, but I still felt kind of sick.

What is my brain doing, here? I always questioned it, but now I really do think I am the biggest, neurological oddity on the planet.

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  1. *hug* Anything I can do to help? :(

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  2. Hi Canageek. *hugs* Thanks hon.

    As these things tend to happen, given enough time, they will blow over. Like a really, bad thunderstorm. That thunderstorm having, say, anywhere between 120km and 150km an hour winds!

    I won’t use my tornado analogy (or anything remotely close to a tornado.) Those I save for my Bipolar cycling!

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