Archive for June 17th, 2010

Maybe not all of them, but I think I can see that, perhaps, I shouldn’t whine too much about being “abandoned.”  To cut the chase: it takes a fuck of a lot of patience to deal with me.

I look back on at least a few, and wow.  Talk about pushing the envelope.  More like I threw it across the room, then ripped it to shreds.  That said, is it any surprise they’re still not around?

Make no mistake.  I’m not throwing a pity party for myself.  Granted, this topic doesn’t exactly make me feel cheery.  I’m just trying to be “real.”  Trying to be honest? Trying to make amends? Even if I’ll never see these people again in my life.  So, I apologize to you, people.

I always say I put other people’s needs first.  This has now led me to question that.  Do I? Well, based upon the above, maybe not so much? No, at times I think I have proven myself to be quite selfish.  Quite! This doesn’t exactly make me feel “cheery,” either.  In fact, it makes me feel rather disgusting about myself.  However, facing the truth is always best, even if it makes you want to crawl under a rock and die!

But seriously.  Who likes to admit these things? Who does jump up, so excitedly, proclaiming qualities they have that make them feel like crud?

Now for a real ugly.  Do I do this unwittingly or not? Do I actually take advantage of people around me? I’m not entirely sure because a lot of the time I may not even be aware I’m doing it.  Well, I’m pretty sure that I don’t ever know I’m doing it! No.  I actually don’t know.  But here’s the rub.  I think.  And I’m trying to keep my diagnoses out of this, to be “real,” but they are a part of me, and do affect how I interact with people.  So Asperger’s=WTF with communication for me.  ADD=Impulsivity which always gets me into trouble.  My Bipolar can obviously get me pretty wingy and unpredictable! Nonetheless…

I think the problem is, the longer you get to know someone, the longer you feel you can rely upon them.  Thus, the longer they will put up with your shit–even if you don’t know you’re pulling it.  So, ’round, ’round she goes…where she stops…  Well, nobody does know.  With each progressive spin, the longer the relationship lasts, and you can start taking things for granted.  Until…

…the Merry-Go-Round grinds to a screeching halt.  Everyone has their limits.  And I can now say with complete confidence, I’ve made some Merry-Go-Rounds just about fall off their axles! Forget about them grinding to a halt!

I think it’s time for me to work on this a bit.  And further, it may not even apply to longer term relationships.  No, this can occur with very short term ones, too.  Maybe? I’ve met some very selfish people who I’ve thought should shut the fuck up! Absolutely! I’ve been astounded by their behaviour!

Pot.Kettle.Black? Or maybe (hopefully?) just a very pale shade of gray? I’ll never be white, but I’ll go for the closest I can get to it.