Maybe not all of them, but I think I can see that, perhaps, I shouldn’t whine too much about being “abandoned.”  To cut the chase: it takes a fuck of a lot of patience to deal with me.

I look back on at least a few, and wow.  Talk about pushing the envelope.  More like I threw it across the room, then ripped it to shreds.  That said, is it any surprise they’re still not around?

Make no mistake.  I’m not throwing a pity party for myself.  Granted, this topic doesn’t exactly make me feel cheery.  I’m just trying to be “real.”  Trying to be honest? Trying to make amends? Even if I’ll never see these people again in my life.  So, I apologize to you, people.

I always say I put other people’s needs first.  This has now led me to question that.  Do I? Well, based upon the above, maybe not so much? No, at times I think I have proven myself to be quite selfish.  Quite! This doesn’t exactly make me feel “cheery,” either.  In fact, it makes me feel rather disgusting about myself.  However, facing the truth is always best, even if it makes you want to crawl under a rock and die!

But seriously.  Who likes to admit these things? Who does jump up, so excitedly, proclaiming qualities they have that make them feel like crud?

Now for a real ugly.  Do I do this unwittingly or not? Do I actually take advantage of people around me? I’m not entirely sure because a lot of the time I may not even be aware I’m doing it.  Well, I’m pretty sure that I don’t ever know I’m doing it! No.  I actually don’t know.  But here’s the rub.  I think.  And I’m trying to keep my diagnoses out of this, to be “real,” but they are a part of me, and do affect how I interact with people.  So Asperger’s=WTF with communication for me.  ADD=Impulsivity which always gets me into trouble.  My Bipolar can obviously get me pretty wingy and unpredictable! Nonetheless…

I think the problem is, the longer you get to know someone, the longer you feel you can rely upon them.  Thus, the longer they will put up with your shit–even if you don’t know you’re pulling it.  So, ’round, ’round she goes…where she stops…  Well, nobody does know.  With each progressive spin, the longer the relationship lasts, and you can start taking things for granted.  Until…

…the Merry-Go-Round grinds to a screeching halt.  Everyone has their limits.  And I can now say with complete confidence, I’ve made some Merry-Go-Rounds just about fall off their axles! Forget about them grinding to a halt!

I think it’s time for me to work on this a bit.  And further, it may not even apply to longer term relationships.  No, this can occur with very short term ones, too.  Maybe? I’ve met some very selfish people who I’ve thought should shut the fuck up! Absolutely! I’ve been astounded by their behaviour!

Pot.Kettle.Black? Or maybe (hopefully?) just a very pale shade of gray? I’ll never be white, but I’ll go for the closest I can get to it.

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  1. Hi patientanonymous. Thanks for coming by and making another comment on your own blog.

    Funny. Talking to my friend P. about this today. He doesn’t read my blog, just so you know, folks. I only told him roughly the content of what I had written, here.

    He told me that anyone who thought they weren’t selfish were lying to themselves. I found that statement kind of interesting within the context of this post.

    Not only did I find it interesting, no, something more. I found it made me feel guilty as all hell! Also not just within the context of this post, but within the context of my entire life!!!

    Here I am, strolling along…

    “I’m not selfish. I only do good things! I’m so good, I’ll do anything for people! I may make a mistake here and there along the way, but that surely doesn’t make me selfish!”

    Oh.My.Fucking.God.

    Delusional.Idiot.

    Excuse me while I go throw myself under the next passing bus.

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  2. May

    Patient, I feel this way too. I see people my age with enormous groups of friends compared to the 15 or so people I can kind of call friends – most whom I never see on a regular basis (we’re talking maybe once a year or less with some of these folk) – and I feel there must definitely be something wrong with how I make friends.

    It frustrates and depresses me far more often than I would ever talk about, because, of course, I feel I have to act positive and upbeat so people will like me.. and I’m really quite desperate to connect to others to I take more shit than I should, tho I’m really trying not to do that anymore, which makes me feel like I’m just pushing people away harder.

    Anyway, I like you and can very much sympathize with the friends thing…

    And, seriously, who cares if you’re being selfish? You need to take care of yourself far more than you need to take care of others… And I don’t mean that, like, “your a mess” I mean that cause I have found that I can’t do shit without taking care of myself, even if I feel like I don’t deserve it.

    ((hugs))

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  3. Hi May. Thanks for coming by and sharing. I understand everything that you say. I feel exactly the same way and have written a lot about that, as well.

    People have often told me things like you did, here. One is that I’m always too hard on myself (which you might not be explicitly saying) and another is about the aspect of being “selfish.”

    True, there is the “selfish” aspect of needing to take care of yourself. I can see that. However, that’s almost like the other side of the table in the above post. The other person should be saying that to me: “Hey, PA! Back off! I need a break!” That sort of thing.

    Now, it is also true that is one thing I never do. I don’t tell people to “back off” as I need a break. However, it is also true that I don’t “back off.” I don’t know when to stop with people. It’s like, the word “stop” doesn’t exist in my entire “Social Vocabulary.”

    Well, it actually never has. From the way I was born and grew up in my family (just for starters–literally) the word didn’t exist! Ridiculous boundary crossing all over, and horrific abuse, too!

    So, I think I need to learn to say that word, somehow. Okay, I have learned to use it a bit in the recent past. Even permanently. For example, you weren’t around when I was writing about this guy I called “Escher.” Oh, holy hell! He was so bad! I actually did give him the heave ho. I can think of some other “stops,” too? *nods*

    Maybe I just need to keep working harder–but on my end of communicating with others. God! This stuff is so confusing and hard! Trying to change the way you act, behave…the way you’ve done things all your life???

    I love it when not only my readers get lost in my posts, but I definitely do, as well! *shakes head*

    Oops! Had to come back and edit as just got up a while ago and…zzzzzz… Forgot to add the *hugs back* Couldn’t leave those out!

    Second edit! I haven’t had any tea. *laughing* Thanks hon’ and I like you too. But you know that!

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  4. May

    I do, but I still like hearing it when I’m down, so that’s why I said it to you ;P

    Yeah, learning boundaries is really fucking hard. It took me a lot of fucking pain and being screwed over and used by people before I finally figured out that I have to be the person looking out for me. I was like, waiting on some invisible savior or something when I coulda been *not* letting people treat me like shit. Although I probably only think that now because I finally figured out how to take care of me and not let destructive people get into my life in the first place.. and anyway, I don’t know if that’s anything like what you’re talking about, but that’s what my abusive family background did to my head.

    And now I have to go finish a drawing while sweating my balls off in a public area. Funtimes!

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  5. May

    By the way, I had icky dreams and woke up exhausted and kinda weird so I’m not sure what I’m saying up there -^

    X_x Need more sleep

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  6. Hi May. Awww, sorry you’re feeling down. *hugs* I agree, people can never be told that they are liked or loved enough. Also, I’m sorry for the bad dreams and sleep. Everything you said made total sense, and I hope you are feeling better, now. I didn’t get back to you when you wrote this yesterday.

    I agree with you totally. I still have serious issues with boundaries and perhaps this post is some form of evidence that I am beginning to work on that. I don’t know. I mean, it’s always something I’ve been aware of. I think? Well, no, not always. It took me time to understand it.

    Forgive me. It’s my turn to not make sense now? My turn to have a rough night preceding writing a comment?

    Regardless, I haven’t reached the point where you are. I do want to, and more importantly, I need to. It’s not healthy to live without boundaries, and yet, trying to make these sort of “life changes,” are pretty tall orders, right?

    I find I still get so lost amongst people as well. Even in a general sense. God, the conditioning I’ve gone through since I child. The lengths I will go to–even with strangers!

    See next post. Although that’s just a precipitant. It’s more about my wacky bean! Still, kind of odd how it just “appeared” after all of this talk.

    Also, hope you’re not sweating your balls off today, too! *laughing*

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  7. May

    Tee hee :) No, I’m inside today.

    Getting lost among other people is something I’m so familiar with. Also feeling like I *should* be healthy but I can’t get there. Somehow it’s just happening, bit by bit, as I keep trying and keep trying and I’m guessing that’s how it happens for everybody, one way or another. But maybe that’s jut me.

    Either way, I’m looking forward to the next post.

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  8. Hi May. That’s good. Keeping things cool, then.

    No, we are on the same wavelength, again. Well, I don’t know if I feel I should be healthy. Do I? I’ve learned to live with all of my diagnoses and what can happen as a result of them. Those things are definitely not pleasant! Very painful, really.

    So, maybe for me, it’s that I want to be healthy. I know that I can’t make all of this “stuff” go away, so there’s no point in putting pressure on myself to be well. Nonetheless, that still doesn’t make things any less frustrating…and so many other words I could use?

    I think it could be the same way for a lot of others. Sure.

    I know what upsets me and gets me down so much, is continually putting in that work, all the effort, and feeling like you’re just not getting anywhere. It’s exhausting and everything seems so pointless. It’s very hard to step back at those times and take stock. To look back on your life and see that you really have made progress.

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  9. May

    POINTLESSNESS! The bane of my existence. I swear, that pisses me off more than anything else. I try to believe that everything is *eventually* not pointless somehow… and sometimes I can believe that and sometimes I can’t. And I’m ok with that.

    My idea of “healthy” for me, anyway, is being okay with stuff, even as I work on changing it. It’s not a target I hit all the time, but as long as that’s my focus, I feel ok with me.

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  10. Hi May. *laughing* Pointlessness is the bane of your existence. I think pointlessness is my PURE existence! Kidding. Again, it just feels like it so much of the time?

    However, I also try to play the same game: “The glass is half full; the glass is half empty; the glass is just full of something sitting on the coffee table, but what’s on TV is more entertaining; and definitely at times, try really hard not to throw the bloody glass out the window!”

    Your idea of “healthy” for you sounds just fine to me, but I don’t think that’s the point of it. Far from it. In fact, I think it’s irrelevant as people should find (and feel) whatever is healthy for themselves, yes?

    Of course, just as here, the subject has come up many times. Readers have talked about it, and even asked me what they should do. Which kind of flips me out sometimes, but that’s okay! *laughing again*

    Well, maybe it shouldn’t flip me out too much, as it’s my blog and I wrote the the posts in the first place! Regardless, it’s always based upon context and subject matter.

    If there are meds involved, I always begin there. Reason being, it’s standard practice. Meds stabilize you (or that’s the idea) and get you to calm down enough so you can actually think clearly to tackle the larger issues.

    Once you can hopefully do that, it’s time to work on those larger issues. This is where I believe the real work needs to be done (or should I say, perhaps, the more difficult work?) It could be a coin toss between the medical and the psychological versions of therapies.

    I have also talked to so many people about the awful and painful process of trying to find the right medication/s. And even if you do find something that works, there is no panacea. After so long, I’ve finally found a cocktail that keeps me the most stable ever!

    Which brings me around to my own take on what it means to be “healthy.” For me, it means “stability.” Yes, I know I was prattling on quite a bit, and it took me a while to get here.

    I guess by way of all that, I was trying to illustrate that it is (or could be) different for a lot of people? I don’t know. I just know for me, “stability” works. I think that is because all of my diagnoses, and what can result of having them all crowding around in my wee head. They don’t allow for much clarity at times, and can make me very unstable! So, yes. Stability is good.

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  11. eileen

    I agree with all the above. Most people do not have the patience to deal with people that are different. I have suffered in silence since fourteen and now I am thirty with Aspergers Syndrome. Although, my case is mild, I have a hard time joining and staying in conversation with large groups. I can handle one on one and a small group of about five. But no seems to have the patience to deal with it when I disclose. However, for many years I have listened to and endured everyone else’s issues, troubles, and the list goes on etc…

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  12. Hi eileen. Very nice to meet you and welcome. Also, more apologies for not getting to you sooner.

    It is true. Everyone is different in a general sense. We’re all individuals. On this front? Who’s to say? All I know is that I’ve finally become aware to at least attempt to maintain some sort of balance with people I am already friends with (not many! count on one hand!) But one relationship I’ve just about destroyed and god I hope it can be mended.

    Being an Aspie (and I like you may not appear as one) makes it hard, too. Not that we’re special, anyone else reading!

    I recently thought I’d made a good friend and he completely betrayed me in what? Was it less than two weeks? Yay Aspie PA as an adult! Just like when you were a kid.

    I see from your comment that you’ve had a hard time when you’ve disclosed re: the Asperger’s. I’m so sorry for that. I don’t understand why people can’t be more accepting–except that they’re giant assholes?

    Oops. I hope you weren’t talking about those people being your friends! I didn’t mean to call your friends assholes!

    I hear you on bearing the weight of listening to, and taking in, everyone else’s “stuff.” It’s exhausting. I am just learning to set boundaries. It’s very hard, but you’ve got to do it.

    Take care, and you’ll find accepting people out there. They do exist. I’ve met them. Also, I can’t tell you what to do, but maybe with time you can ease up a bit with taking on everyone else’s problems, as well.

    PA

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