I’ve been doing some addition in my life, adding things up, calculating sums of all parts of me, and what only seems to be the end result are minuses on the other side of the equation.  It’s as they say, when you die, you see your life flash before your eyes.  I’m not dying (yet) but this is happening.   In a similar form, as I add up these things more and more, I feel I have less and less to offer the world.  As time progresses, so does this equation.  As I keep watching my life events and those negatives build, more and more of me drifts away along with what I see.  I become that equation in a “living” form.

I’ve said to a few people that at 40, I’m not having a mid-life crisis, I’m having mid-life epiphanies.  Perhaps this is one of them, albeit not one that sounds very pleasant.  To certain ears? To all ears, perhaps, however it may still ring true.

I’m tired of making excuses.  Sure, life can turn on a dime.  Apologies in advance for any more cliches, by the way.  Is my writing even going down the tubes with all else? Nonetheless, I am tired of it.  I’m sick of saying it’s stress, it’s just a rough patch, it’s this, it’s that.  I don’t even know exactly how much these things have contributed to this entire issue, but does it matter? I’m still where I am.  Right here and now.

You may think that my age is irrelevant.  Well, I do too.  What is relevant is my life’s content.

“Content.”  Say it differently.  To be happy? Is it a factor? If so, how does that extremely, vague entity play into all of this? I don’t think it can.  It shifts too much.  That is its nature.  Which is fine.  It is a fleeting experience like so many others.  It just doesn’t apply to what I am talking about, here.  Except?

One may argue that I am not happy right now.  I concede.  I am not.  But remember, it is fleeting.  However, just because it is fleeting and some form of “unhappiness” leaves me at this present moment, it does not mean I will be “happy” the next.  I may be something…”different?” And overall, no matter what other shifting, fleeting experience that may be, it won’t stop the above equation.  It still won’t factor in, as these feelings are dynamic and not static.

One may argue that my entire line of thinking is wrong, altogether! PA, you’ve got lots to offer! Well, not to insult you or demean you in any way, as I do love anyone who reads me, anyone who comments (and I may not get any comments after saying this!) Although, if you do want to comment, feel free.  This blog has always been an open space.  But still, let me ask.  How well do any of you know me? Do you really know what I have to offer (or not, in this case.)

I’ve been wrong about many things before, but math is based upon concrete rules? Yes? Things that are proven.  Some extremely, difficult problems still remain “mysteries,” yet unsolvable.  However, I’m still watching my life pass by, and my quite simple equation is continuing to result in only adding sums that result in minuses.  As I remain that “living” equation, it’s really not much of a life at all, is it?

I really would like to feel differently.  I would.  But I don’t.

This was a very difficult post for me to write.  I fear it may have been difficult for some of you to read.  I am very sorry for that.

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  1. licoriceroot

    Hmmm. No, we don’t know you all that well, but it is because you are too vague. No, I am not referring to names or places since you do wish to remain anonymous. However, it’s hard to know you better because we don’t know the events that precipitate the feelings, if there are any such events, and when these epiphanies come. Do they come after certain events, certain feelings, or do they just show up unexpectedly?
    Curious minds want to know!

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  2. May

    I give you ((hugs))

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  3. Hi licoriceroot. This post was about something entirely different, but perhaps the post in itself was too vague. I do not know. I can never tell how my words are interpreted.

    At the moment, I am extremely and/or acutely suicidal. I did not necessarily want to say that to my readers. However, now I feel I must because this comment is requiring answers to things that I do not know how to answer–even if I asked the questions? Things went “missing in translation” with my writing? Which often happens. That is perfectly understandable.

    Although, I can say that these epiphanies of late will never be written about. They are extremely personal? I’m sorry. I still don’t know if that satisfies your questions. Perhaps I can get back to your comment…

    Hi May. Thank you, as always. *hugs*

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  4. licoriceroot

    I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to pry. Sometimes I am just a bit TOO nosey. No offense intended.

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  5. Hi licoriceroot. I just mentioned on Twitter that I’m pretty doped up right now as I’m post-“ick”tal©. That said, I don’t know if I’ll make a lot of sense, right now.

    I think some wires got crossed, and more than those in my crazy head! Still, I felt bad when I read your comment.

    I’m slow here but maybe I can try and explain better? Or something? If you have more questions, or anything, please let me know. Because the thing is, you’re not “TOO nosey.” I don’t mind people asking me questions at all.

    Although, regarding what I wrote up there, these “epiphanies” were very specific and tied to a lot of complicated and personal things. And true, I do blog anonymously and I do put a lot of myself and my life here, but some things I just can’t and won’t ever speak of. I know that sounds like I am just re-iterating the above, however, what I mean by it, is that I’ve said this so many times on my blog before. I think it makes sense, too, as we all have what we keep, well, private.

    Now, as for any epiphanies and your more direct questions, it may be difficult to answer them overall. Because, you see, I’m not really used to having them! I tend to just wander around, not really paying attention to anything…just living in my own little world.

    And what I’m finding more confusing, is that, some of these epiphanies of late…are they valid? If so, to what degree?

    I have blogged about a couple. One, realizing that I believe I do push people away, or at least have a tendency to do so. I believe I have in the past. This was based upon dealing with someone and pissing them off, yet again! For the nth time! It made me stop dead in my tracks and go…holy shit! You are being a total, selfish, fucking idiot and you have been for how long?

    Then there was facing the fact that I deny being/getting frustrated and angry. That came out through the post re: being sick. Another DING! PA, you are full of shit, again! You do get frustrated and angry but you deny it. You deny it because the thought of actually letting those feelings out scares the absolute hell out of you! That has to do with how I was raised and serious abuse and trauma.

    Maybe other smaller things come out of the woodwork without provocation, but if they do and are small, they may get lost in the broken, cognitive machinery of my brain. Or, unconscious processing or both!

    So, does that help at all? Again, come back and ask anything else. I really don’t mind. These things are definitely concepts that are hard to grasp, too. Even if I wasn’t anonymous, people trying to read things like these, or other things I say would still have a lot of difficulty?

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