Writing these posts is a bitch, but living the words are even worse.  I was going to stay away from my blog, Twitter, just everything, but I read a comment that could have led to confusion, it led me to confusion (and it was by no fault of the commenter!)

So, just…

No.

For the benefit or not, here’s the deal.  I’m back where I was several years ago.  I am in the stages of actively planning how to kill myself.  Last night, I spent a significant amount of time engrossed in researching all that I did before to take my life, while simultaneously dealing with any outstanding issues regarding “Legalities.”

Trust me.  This isn’t a great place to be, but at least I’m familiar with it.

I am a void.  I am a void, standing on the edge of a huge void.  The only thing that is keeping me from falling into that void, is a piece of string, 1/18 the size of a strand of dental floss.

Therefore, excuse me if I am either random or absent while I try and get my shit together.  As always, this blog is nothing but honest, and this is a really, fucking honest post.

I’ve always said I can’t make promises whether I’ll take my own life or not.  This is not meant to scare anyone, or send ripples of panic throughout the psych blogosphere.  Again, I am just being honest.  I actually have a thought in mind to let you all know if I go? But let’s not “go” there.  Just yet.

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  1. licoriceroot

    Two months ago, I found myself sitting in my closet, pondering the thought of taking a neat little collection of drugs. My will and life insurance are in place, and, occasionally, I feel like I do little good for anyone. They would all be fine without me, and probably wouldn’t even notice I was gone. That sounds so selfish coming from someone with a bipolar child, but that is how I felt. It wouldn’t have been my first thoughts of it.

    Maybe all you can do is try not to think about suicide when the urge to think about it comes…Redirecting your attention until the next wave hits. Eventually, the seas will calm, and the waves will subside. You aren’t alone. Many others have been there. (((Hugs))))

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  2. I’ve been there. I know how you feel. Please know you can email me anytime. ((((((HUGS)))))

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  3. zippitydlicious

    Leave before you visit, play RENT in San Francisco bay area?

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  4. I totally get where you’re coming from. I’ve been there, myself, watching traffic patterns to see where and when I could best drive into oncoming traffic and have a fatal head-on collision. No seat belt, pedal to the metal, full speed ahead into oblivion.

    Oddly, it never occurred to me, what the other driver might experience. I didn’t want to kill THEM, but I wasn’t thinking in terms of anything other than just putting an end to what seemed like a friggin’ pointless existence.

    My main problem with offing myself is (if you can call it a problem), I am waaaaay too curious about “what happens next” to put and end to this whole business myself. Call me a sucker for punishment, I like to turn unexpected corners in my life and see what’s there. Besides, I figure the world will take me out soon enough, so I’d better cram in as much experience as I can get, while I can get it.

    Suicide is a little like getting a tattoo, with me — I’m much too fickle to commit. Not to diminish the significance of suicide, but the root cause of my avoiding it is the same reason I don’t get inked. I’d change my mind halfway through, and then I’d be bummed out that it was taking place.

    Or, with my dumb luck, I’d screw it up and end up even worse off afterwards, than I was when I started out.

    My fickle streak, not a persistent, overwhelming lust for life, is probably what keeps me here.

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  5. I have been reading this blog for a while but never commented. I also do not have any useful advice for yu since the only time I was seriously suicidal, I was simply hospitalized until the thoughts were gone, which isn’t something I can recommend. However, I do seriously h ope you find a way to get out of your shit other than taking your life.

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  6. Hey PA, I just noticed this post! Sorry, I haven’t been paying enough attention to my RSS of late.

    Ah, suicidal thoughts… I understand.

    But if there’s anything you can do to switch up your mood and/or thought patterns, then please do it!

    I know you have it really rough. Harder than many people for sure. But somehow, there still is a point to being alive. Some of us don’t get the happy or normal life that others seem to, and it does suck. But we can still find a way to be happy with all of our madness anyway. It ain’t easy but it is possible.

    Anyway, I hope you do change your mind. And feel free to email me if you need to xo

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  7. licoriceroot

    Getting part way through and changing your mind is what keeps me here. I did that when I was 16. I started to take a whole bottle of Elavil, but I was scared, so I took them one at a time. After three, I panicked, and changed my mind. I was too afraid to tell anyone what I had done – I was worried I’d have to see a psychologist (no kidding) -so I went to bed, planning to” sleep it off”. Next time I woke up, I was in a hospital room. People started rushing around saying “she’s waking up”. It was like a bad surprise party. Turned out, I had been in a coma for 5 days. It all got chalked up to an “allergic reaction”. Whatever. Now, it flips my husband out when I say, “hi honey. I’m feeling suicidal today.” But, I think the people who tell someone are less likely to go through with it. It’s like a big *STOP* and think sign.
    I hope that’s the case with you, as well.

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  8. {{{{{{{{PA}}}}}}}}

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  9. Hi folks, I’m going to try and respond here, but I’m pretty pooped.

    My standard practice is to respond to everyone individually and I do want to handle things in that manner, but I also have some thoughts that I’d like to try and get out, as well. I can only hope they will make sense. That any of this will make sense.

    First, Ethereal Highway and mom, thank you so much for the hugs and for the invitation to email. I know you’re always there mom but reminders are always good?

    Hi licoriceroot. Thanks for sharing your experiences. I always steer clear of “debating” suicide on my blog (I am thinking of your selfishness comment) but perhaps that is a bit contradictory. I always say my blog is an open space. I think I am just so, damn tired of mediating the debates.

    On that note, I won’t say that your thoughts of wanting to commit suicide were “selfish” at all. At least not in my opinion. Those are usually the thoughts of others in dealing with the grief after the fact. It is one of most common reactions to a person’s suicide. That and guilt.

    I can’t say for sure, but with some folks, after they have decided not to commit suicide, the individual then may take on the presumed thoughts of the survivors. They feel the guilt and shame, the taboo of the act, and thus, the “S” word comes out–“Selfish,” not “Suicide.”

    Maybe I am selfish for wanting to kill myself! Even I’ve debated suicide from every possible angle in my own head! I used to use the term (and I guess I still am by using it now) “Mental Euthanasia.” I’ve been suffering mentally for too long, put me out of my misery!

    Okay, I’m starting a debate. PA, Shut.Up.Now. This is neither the time, nor the place.

    I’m going to get back to your re-direction of thoughts in a bit. That’s something I want to talk about regarding what I’m going through, now.

    Hi Svasti. It’s okay for not picking it up right away on your feed. Or picking it up at all? *rolls eyes* Sorry, trying to inject humour as always, right? *shakes head*

    Thanks for your support as always, too, and the offer to email as well, hon.
    xo

    And…speaking of humour…sorry, skipping around a bit but a semi-decent segue to zippitydlicious. Now, your comment did put a smile on my face. Yes. In a word: RENT.

    Hi Astrid. Nice to meet you and welcome to my blog. I’m really glad you came out to make a comment after reading for a while. Hey, especially on this post?

    I’ve been hospitalized seven times. Two of which were for ODs, but as I have said before many times, it is very hard to OD on pills. I have also said following that comment, I will not elaborate further, as this blog is not a suicide manual!

    What I have written more of late, is that for me (you got that everyone FOR ME!) hospitalization is not an option when I am like this. Although I encourage EVERYONE to go when they are suicidal. It may sound like I am being a hypocrite, but it is because I have been through our system so many times, know it so well, can navigate it… I know what exactly will be offered to me. Unfortunately, what that is? Not too much. That is just for me, where I am in my “mental health career” that has lasted for so long.

    On the flip side, having been to the active planning stages before, it’s very, very, very tricky but…if I can manage it, I can find what I need and where to get it–fast. It will (and would be) tough…but hang on…I’m working toward giving you guys insight into just exactly what is going on.

    Sorry Astrid. I went way off on a tangent. I really wanted to get back to all of you, but I’m uber-tired. Thank you so much for coming out and giving me your support. That means a lot. And especially as your first comment.

    Hi brokenbrilliant. How are you buddy? One reason to hang around is to talk about our broken beans? We still haven’t swapped enough (or any?) stories yet.

    I really liked your comment. Total resonation. You seemed to get a lot of where I am and what I’m going to move on to next. I do wish I had that curious attitude that you possess, though. That would definitely help me out. Probably not just here, too. Throughout my entire life in general, I suspect. Well, hang on. I am extremely curious. So much so, it actually gets me into trouble a lot.

    Alright. I wanted to try and explain why this may be a bit different in terms of “suicidal ideation.” In fact, I feel it goes way beyond it. Why? Because the thoughts are so intrusive, obsessive, repetitive, unrelenting. And sure, try and do something to distract, detract, but that is only temporary and extremely exhausting. Eventually, the thoughts just come back.

    Also, this is serious biz. It’s not impulsive. One may argue that I am “not in my head” or “crazy,” right now. However, this amount of planning, effort, all the time? A significant degree of higher cognitive function. Therefore, what does that say of my “state of mind.”

    Regarding the severity and gravity of this situation. It is dangerous!!! Even I know that. Again, goes to state of mind? Now, I sound like I’m a lawyer on TV.

    Regardless, there is a good and a bad to that. If my state of mind is clear enough to recognize it is so dangerous, I may be able to protect myself (as I said above, I have the resources but it may be difficult to pull them out.) Why so difficult?

    Because of the severity and gravity of this entire situation, there is a very fine line between coming this far and making it a reality. Just where is that line? And when does one cross it? How do you know?

    That’s why I think this is more than “just” suicidal ideation. And why I need to be extra careful and will need significant time to try and grapple with this.

    Even in trying to get this point across to everyone (because I really don’t think a lot of people have been here?) I still don’t know where I am! Meaning, I don’t know where I am currently in terms of that “line.” It still varies. Or is still varying? Is that even proper grammar? I think so…man, I’m blasted! Tired, blasted. Not drunk blasted!

    Another “be careful,” is that I still have to function in the real world. I have to “pretend” that nothing is wrong. Uh, yeah. Nothing is wrong??? Can we add more pressure to the situation?

    Okay, I’ll stop now. I think I’d better before my brain blows yet another gasket. I hope that made some sense, or even better, provided a modicum of insight.

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