Archive for June, 2010

It seems I’m back to feeling like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, again.  After two years of fighting what felt like (and were!) non-stop problems, I’m trying to get my life back on track…again.

I’ve never liked that analogy.  I don’t even recall reading the book.  I probably found it boring.  What is its suggested reading level? You have to recall, I was reading Shakespeare and uni. Psych textbooks when I was around 10, or so.  The former out of curiosity, and the latter to try and “fix” my mentally ill mother.  God knows it was up to me to do it!  No one else surely cared!

So, I probably skipped little Alice up there because she didn’t interest me.  Either that, or maybe her “adventure” resonated a bit too much with me.  I was actually living it–and more.

Ah, the irony? Which is really the core of this post.  I could say it is the core of my life, but would I be pulling a bit of a Shakespeare on myself?  Being just a tad too dramatic? Nonetheless, a lot of it does exist in my life.  And far too much for my liking.

Although, perhaps on this spectrum of irony, annoying at best, unbelievably painful at worst, out pops a surprise when I am subjected to it.  Something good even? Or at least something that may alleviate a burden on that vast spectrum.  Maybe?

In a literary sense, irony can be used as a plot device to create humour, and sometimes in a very twisted way.  I rather enjoy that, and find it quite entertaining.  However, in my life, irony becomes so twisted, it results in a tangled knot, roughly the size of the continent of Africa.  I do not find this enjoyable or entertaining at all, as a lot of the time, I can barely tie (or untie) my own shoelaces!

I guess I would have to say that “Africa” shows up most in my relationships.  As if they weren’t complicated enough to begin with! And the majority of those “beginnings” result in endings.  In fact, most do.

Now, enter my little “pop-out surprise!” Have a few of those endings yielded new beginnings? If the relationship still exists, but has taken on a different form or shape, is that a new beginning? Maybe it only looks like one.  If I have been left alone, is that in itself a new beginning? Or, has me being left alone made me create a new beginning.  If I’ve done it, how do I know it’s a new beginning? When I’ve done it, maybe it’s just led me to the fact that it’s really not a new beginning at all.  That’s simply because there are no new beginnings.  There is only repetition.  And that repetition is endless.

Are you still with me? Or have you just landed in some foreign continent that looks like “Africa?”  Take another look around.  You’ve just lost all your luggage, your Passport’s been torn in half, and you were the only one on the plane.  Even the flight crew managed to disappear.

Welcome to my world.

I’ve been putting up a lot of crap stuff on lately, so time for my poor blog to get some attention.  This came up on my iPod on the way home from school today, so decision made.

I don’t know what language they are singing this in, but I think it’s Bulgarian.  If any of my readers are from Eastern Europe (or that know more about Lumin) please post a comment! I would love to know as I’ve had this song for years, now!

I’ve just spent way too long trying to find something online.  I thought I did, but when I tossed it all into babblefish, that’s about all I got–a bunch of babble! With what I found, it sure wasn’t Bulgarian! So, I tried some other languages.

Here were some of my (partial) results: “glossy shine on,” “you pay since,” “moving iron,” “profits,” “from,” “the vessel,” “the national,” “built a great shine on,” “and,” “a great lipstick in a,” “like.”

I guess that’s it.  Maybe something to give you an idea, but I’m kinda scratching my head a bit.

“Izgrala” by Lumin

So, she thinks I’m going to gain weight, does she? Well, admittedly, I’d really like to get back to that 100lb. “benchmark.”  Actually, I don’t know if it’s such a benchmark, at all, since I don’t exactly “fluctuate.”  No, if anything, I simply remain there or, as now, have a drastic, and rather: “Danger Will Robinson!” sort of drop.

I saw my new Dietician on Monday.  She’s very nice.  However, I’m not so sure there’s much we can do–except for what I would like to achieve, above.  As I told her, I strongly suspect I will remain at 100lbs. for the rest of my life! Why shouldn’t I? Ever since I became so disgustingly ill (when was it now…four years ago…five?) I never managed to get back up from 90lbs. to 100lbs.  Currently, I’m still sitting around 93lbs. or a pound higher? A bit difficult to tell with clothes.

It’s not so much the types of food I’m eating.  They’re fine.  I just need to try and eat more of them.  This “revelation” was hardly that to me.  However, the idea is to spread the food out in smaller portions during the day.  Again, another revelation that was nothing more than a basic dietary “solution” to my problem(s.)  Fine.

So, as of today, I have decided to follow her advice as best I can.  She said it would be difficult at first.  I told her a couple of things that would make that an ironclad guarantee! Number one is that I never wake up hungry enough for breakfast, and number two is that I’ve always been a small eater.  You would think the latter would help her approach, but not so.

As of today, Day One of trying to be good, oh, difficult indeed! I woke up and had some oatmeal before tea.  I now feel like I am going to pass out and die.  Yes, despite my beloved tea.  I am tired and rather…I don’t know.  Stressed? Feeling overwhelmed? *nods*  However, on top of that, I feel like I’m going to throw up.  And, yes, pass out.

I only had a small bowl of oatmeal.  Quite a few hours ago.  Since it has now been quite a few hours, I am “due” to eat a small meal or even something…not so small? I don’t think so.  I can barely lift my head.

Oatmeal doesn’t do this to a person.  No.  It may be time for some Gravol and beddy? *winces*

I was so pissed off last night, I couldn’t even post this.  Based upon that, I think it needs some editing? Well, the beginning, as I started off quite ranty.  This was due to the questionable results of the biopsies from my recent gastroscopy, and how I had said in my last post that I didn’t feel women should be in any way “envious” of the way I look.  Then I went on a real, rip-roaring, tear about how you could go ahead and love me if I looked so hot! After that, I listed compliments people had given me.

Folks, I’m pretty shy about that stuff.  I really do appreciate any compliments people give me, but it’s taken me years to learn how to try and accept them with some form of grace.  I have poor perceptions of my own body and, yes, I think we all do to a point.  However, mine may go further into Asperger’s territory.  Do I have problems reading my own social cues? That would not surprise me in the least!

So, cranky day yesterday.  I could hardly believe I was in such a foul mood.  The first thing was all to do with the biopsies.  Gastro Man told me to call his office a couple of weeks after the gastroscopy, as the biopsies should have been back by then, and we could review them.  After explaining this to his Admin. to finally get it through her head (it took something like a Square Dance combined with a Box Step) she said she would call me back.  This was due to the fact that he wasn’t taking any appointments until December.

I understand this.  Gastro Man is very busy.  Nonetheless, I’m sick, the gastroscopy wasn’t done for either of our jollies, and this was to review the biopsies.  In fact, he told me to call about them! Yes?

I’m seeing him in December for a “Follow Up.”  I don’t believe Gastro Man is putting me off.  No.  Dr. PA has ongoing love affairs with all of her physicians.  What I believe, is that the biopsies showed nothing of significance, or nothing at all! Also, please note, we did discuss anything of major significance after the procedure while I was post-op.  Nil.

You might think it odd to want any positive results so desperately from biopsies.  Reason being? Well, apart from wanting a solution to treat for so long, this time around I’ve (we’ve!) been headed in a certain, diagnostic direction.  If it’s not that (or anything else…)  Well, goddamn it! Oh, I’m seeing Sweetie GPs Dietitian on Monday, by the way.  That should be hilarious! To gain what I need requires ingesting oh…somewhere around 3,600 calories a day!

Next, my brain.  School yesterday.  Dyscalculia and Dysgraphia Hell! I’m beginning my Accounting Classes.  I know.  The ultimate punchline for someone with a degree of Dyscalculia that I have.  It’s so redonculous, I can barely fill out my restaurant bills.

We’re not even doing much arithmetic, really, but I feel it’s important to understand how Dyscalculia “works” in a broader sense.  It affects anything (and everything?) to do with “math.”  Here are some of my issues.

Directions and Navigation. I get lost wherever I go, and have to plan routes over and over if they’re not ones I take on a habitual basis.  Spatial Skills. Wow.  So much of my perception, clumsiness (apart from my overall.)  Geometry. How I visualize things.  Trying to interpret certain things I just…I can’t wrap my head around them and how they look.  Like in class.  A “chart” was drawn but not “divided” or broken up “properly.”  I was totally lost.  Time. Time is math? I have worked so hard on time (apart from my ADD!) Gotta love my comorbidities!

I just couldn’t keep up yesterday.  We kept going around the room to give answers.  Then the good, ol’ Dysgraphia kicked in! It got worse and worse from the pressure of the Dyscalculia! I was trying to correct everything, they were on question 18 and I was still on number 12?

I even thought I was about to have a Reflex seizure! There is a specific type for doing arithmetic calculations.  I’m not kidding.  Even if I didn’t have that specific “type,” with my brain it wouldn’t have mattered! My brain has a “mind” of its own! *rolls eyes*  I started to feel my vision go blurry and then just kept shaking my head.  All the while, closing my eyes and thinking: ‘…no…no…no…’

I’m so glad yesterday is over.  Granted, lots more to tackle, lots more, but today is definitely better.

I wonder.  Is there any Aspie out there that likes to shop? Hell, anyone who’s totally crackers at all, that likes to shop? Although, there is one thing that I do like to take my time with, browse around and stare at for a while.  That would be lingerie! *grins*

I’ve just gotten home from about a one and a half hour “marathon,” and I’m kind of freaking out a bit.  Time for a Valium?

Valium has surpassed being “my best friend,” and is now “my lover.”  Not that they are mutually exclusive, of course.  However, if Valium was a real woman, we would be having the hottest relationship of my entire life! This, based upon the fact that I’ve been “popping her” like crazy, anywhere and everywhere, all over the place! We have NO SHAME!!! *laughing so hard*

So, I’ve finally done it! I’ve gone out and bought the damn clothes that I’ve needed for so long! Or at least some of them? And I suppose another place I don’t mind “browsing” is just where I went.  Second Hand Stores.  They really can be a lot of fun, and goldmines, too.  On the other hand, also painful if they’re not organized.  This one close to me, is (whew!) Also, if I feel like being a “label whore,” not bad for that, either.  Who came home with me, today?

Esprit, Banana Republic, Laura Ashley, Liz Claiborne, Levi Strauss, Ralph Lauren…did I miss anybody? I think that’s it.

So, what necessitated this long avoided, shopping trip? I still haven’t sorted out my Clinic Rotation! I have no damn clue what I’ll need to wear! Nothing I have really fits me (beyond business suits that I can get away with being a bit baggy and hanging off me.)  I could be in scrubs and nothing would please me more! “…Scrubs Slut…Scrubs Slut…”  Or, I could be in some form of business casual.  Definitely lacking there.

Next, my jeans.  Oh, good god! WAY beyond shelf life.  Plus WAY beyond size! Now, I love comfy, torn jeans, but if you could see what I have? You would laugh yourself immediately to your grave!

I didn’t quite go the business casual, route.  I actually went for some dressier things.  I always prefer to be over-dressed than under-dressed.  Is that odd for an Aspie? So often, we don’t care about our appearance.  Well, I also do my fair share of wandering around, looking like a completely, unkempt four-year-old. So, I guess that evens things out.  I also mumble a lot during those times, as well.

My suspicions were confirmed that any pants needed for “work attire” would be found in the Young Boy’s Department.  I’m not kidding.  Even a size 14 for a boy is a bit large in the waist for me.  I did find a pair in the Women’s that’s a Size 3-4 that worked.  So, in essence, I’m a 12-year-old boy with breasts. Which kind of makes sense, as I’m the same height as when I was 12, only a lot smaller! Not that I was big to begin with! *shakes head*

Shirts were all Small? Maybe a Medium in there? That is a damn miracle, as my arms are like monkey arms! I have “freak arms,” or something.  Buying shirts has been the bane of my (already, bloody, painful shopping) existence all my life!

The jeans.  Not so bad? A 50/50? 60/40? 70/30 split? At this point, does anyone fucking care?!?!?! Enter, Liz and Levi.  Levi and I get the last laugh, though! *snickers*  A couple from Liz that are a bit baggy but I give up! *waves white flag* I have no jeans!!!  But Levi? Now, this is where I possibly scored! A great pair of black, 501 button flys! Now, I could never wear Levi’s button flys precisely because I didn’t look like a 12-year-old boy! BWAH-HAH-HAH!

All jokes aside, women reading this, please don’t think that I’ve got it made.  That, sure, I’ve managed to become so small that I can peruse the Ladies’ Sizes 0-6 with such ease.  My body may look “alright,” but it’s not.  Society’s really buggered us in terms of what we think we should look like.  I still buy into it.  Looks can be deceiving, though.  Even if I have what some may think is an awesome body, it’s actually a bit of a sick body.  You don’t want my body.

Quite a bit if you’re trying to denote one for a specific purpose.  I’m so tired of looking at words (did you ever think that a possibility?) I may have even been redundant up there.  I’m not sure.  To “denote” already means for a specific purpose.  Am I just being semantically…vague? My entire brain is being rather “vague,” right now.  I think that’s only fair.  I’m quite sleep deprived, my head seems ready to blow up for lots of other reasons and I’ve been “denoting” for two days.  I’m finally done.  Tagline, to boot.

I don’t really know what the hell I’m doing regarding this at the moment, but thankfully, I’m not doing too much of it.  For now.  I’m just hanging back, somewhat.  Letting someone else take the lead.  I suspect I won’t be blogging at all about this, however, benign enough for this single post? It’s in its infancy.  Though, as time passes, highly doubtful.  I am anonymous, and highly undoubtful, it would bore you to death!

I’m starting a business.  Well, not on my own, as per the above.  Which is a good thing, as I have spent so long simply trying to name it.  It’s also good that I’m not doing it solo, as it would have zero chance of even getting off the ground.  Trust me.  In fact, I can hardly believe that I’m doing this at all.  At first, I was merely going to be an “employee” for this person.  After tossing some ideas across the table, then tossing some more approximately 18-25 kilometers into the air above said table, it was decided I would run it with them.  Apparently, I did have more to offer than originally thought. *smirks*

My “partner” has done all of this before.  I wouldn’t be touching it with a bargepole, if not the case! Thus, we’re both not walking into this blind.  Well, I am.  My bean’s so completely fried, at present, I’ve had to ask him about 500 times just what are we going to do? And sorry, I’m not going to tell you.  Granted, I could throw out some simple buzzwords (or regular words) and you’d probably have no clue.  Alright, alright…I’ll do it.

“Analytical and Strategic Platforms.”  “Customer Focused Deliverables.”  “Management, Consulting and Outsourcing.”  “Back End.”  “Front End.”  “In The Middle.”  “I Have A PDA.  Personally, It’s My First One And I Love It! But I Guess I Won’t Be Using It Much.  Bummer.  That’s Because You Won’t Really Need To Contact Me, Since We’re Just So Fabulous!”

So, there you go.  Any idea as to our services?

This is pretty screwy, I must admit.  I’m in such bad shape, I can’t even get my act together to find myself a real job.  Obviously, I need to do that! I’m still trying to process a lot of really, heavy,”life stuff.”  It’s rather draining.  I keep waking up, drenched in sweat, dreaming…dreaming…are they even nightmares? I’m having so many of them, I can’t tell anymore.  I’ve set up a journal for them but is it becoming almost pointless now? I can’t tell that either, but I’ll still keep trying to use it. *shakes head*

My partner anticipates that this will fly, although the majority of small businesses don’t make a profit (or a decent one?) when they first start out.  That’s fine.  We’ll keep throwing those receipts into the cardboard box, already sitting on my living room floor.  Write off as much of your entire life as you can! Nonetheless, money is money.  We’ll take it if it comes our way.

What is secondarily screwy, is that, so far beyond his “pick your brain” contacts, partner there, has now hooked up with more “significant” contacts.  Things are moving a lot faster than anticipated. *sighs*  Partner needs to be reigned in.  Despite never coming close to anything like this, with what I have done in my past work experience, up to this point, I’ve been managing to keep us on track in a logical, sensible fashion.  I think. *rolls eyes*

Out of the 270 shots I took of a Fireworks Display not long ago (yes, 270) I have managed to whittle things down to 43 possible selections to place on my blog.  That is still quite a lot.  I think I will have to post them as Pages.

I also suck at digital manipulation.  Well, the photographic kind. *evil grin*  However, I believe I have come up with a solution to make at least some of those 43 “fit” on my blog.  You see, my Digital SLR shoots even basic .jpgs at 1936×1296 pixels.  Dependent upon the image, it can run anywhere between 200 and 300 or so KB.  I love my camera, I really do, but I do not love that aspect of it.  It may not matter so much to people that can “do” things with digital images, but I cannot!

While I was waiting for the show to begin, I took a picture of the Moon.  So, while you are waiting for me to post the shots of the all of the others (and no doubt you will be waiting a very long time) here is the Moon for you to stare at.

Say hello to the Moon.  “Hello, Moon.”

Sorry, I wasn't close enough to see any cows jumping over it...