Archive for July, 2010

Following up with Merlin #2 being surprisingly a total ass, my meds have been changed.  I actually had to fight to get it done as per that post, which is astoundingly stupid.  Nonetheless, on with the show! What’s up with my bean, and what is happening after getting down on my hands and knees?

As I had preferred, a titration of the Lamictal/Lamotrigine.  It’s known for having a fairly, solid reputation for kicking Bipolar Depression in the ass.  That is what I need.  How high? I was on 200mg, so up to 300mg? Add another 100mg? That might be a little too much–at least all at once! I was aiming for another 50mg.  That’s what I got.  Even some doctors might think that’s pretty high right off the bat.

I won’t bother moaning and groaning, on and on, more and more, about “THE RASH!” and SJS.  I know I can handle 50mg straight away, and I really, rather would.  I need to get out of this awful place where I have been for over a month.  I can’t do it without meds.  So, I’ll deal with any/all side effects in the meantime.

We also upped my Seroquel/Quetiapine another 50mg that I take at night for sleep.  I’m not sure why.  It doesn’t carry over into the day to ease any anxiety.  My 150mg has been alright for sleep, lately? I think? I don’t know because I am completely out of it, right now.  This is not surprising in the least.  I am still feeling a lot of anxiety, but I doubt that has anything to do with the side effects.  My anxiety has been through the roof for ages.

What side effects did I nail? Well, pretty much all the basic ones you would expect for an Anticonvulsant, but a couple of surprises.  I’m dopey as hell, dizzy, not so stable on my feet, so Wonder Cane is at my side as I’m moving around.

Although, it’s not so much that I’m “unstable.”  It’s not like I have ataxia or anything.  That is one possible side effect.  That means you can’t coordinate your movement, and it’s more of a neurological problem.  It’s probably the combination of being cognitively impaired, dizzy and more clumsy.  I need Wonder Cane as a “safety precaution!” I don’t want to fall down and get injured!

My stomach is off.  Typical.  Nauseous.  I have a wee headache.  Dry mouth.  Yep, that’s a biggie.  Need lots of water!

Here are the two surprises.  Now, you would think with jumping up to 200mg of the Seroquel from 150mg, I’d be knocked out like a sledgehammer hit me to the head! I thought so, as well.  The Lamictal is causing insomnia! There is a massive battle going on for sleep in my brain, right now.  I only got a few hours of completely, broken sleep last night.  I couldn’t believe it.

The other surprise? It is listed as a side effect and may not be that common, but…  Increased libido! Yes! My sex drive has shot up amidst all of this other stuff! *laughing*

Ah, meds…

I couldn’t believe what happened yesterday.  I still can’t! For the second time in three years, Merlin #2 and I had a fight about him prescribing me my meds! What the…? Holy…  Forget burning me in effigy.   Just toss me up there on the pole, doused in gasoline, and toss the match! And at a goddamn time like this??? When I have completely lost my mind???

See PA in crisis? See PA explode! Oh, no.  It was bad.  I was yelling at him, I was in bawling my eyes out.  At one point, he said to me: “Well, what do you want me to do?” I screamed back at him: I WANT YOU TO FUCKING HELP ME!!!

Now, it is not unusual for me to use profanity when speaking to Merlin #2.  In fact, I can swear in front of all my physicians.  They’re cool.  We’re all a laid back bunch.

I generally tend to let it fly mostly with Merlin #2.  That is because I get more pissed off because of my psych shit than anything else.  However, I never yell, cry and swear.  Hell, I never raise my voice with anyone! I don’t feel it necessary when in conflict.  May we please sit down and discuss this as mature adults? It needn’t get this far! In fact, I’ve never cried in front of Merlin #2, or any of the others, either.

Well, apparently and unfortunately, it bloody well did have to get that far, yesterday! I had spelled everything out for him but nothing was getting through! He kept saying (as that one time before) only Non-Arsey Neuro could prescribe and/or change my meds!

It’s too complicated to get into how I managed to find all of my team, but prior to that, I only had Arsey Neuro and Sweetie GP.  Since Arsey Neuro was so completely Arsey, Sweetie GP was there to cover me if he dropped the ball–which he so often did.  Thus, I yelled at Merlin #2, if he would not help me, I would run straight to Sweetie GP as she would!

I told him the entire point of this appt. was that things were getting worse–FAST! I could not hang on until my appt. with Non-Arsey Neuro, that was over a week away! That is why I was thankfully fit in within 24 hours! I was desperate!

There is so much additional that I am leaving out for brevity, but I would say we spent half our appt. or more, arguing with each other.  It was truly insane.

Finally, finally, he “decided” to go with what I had originally stated as the best option.  I burst out in tears again (out of more frustration, relief…probably both!) Still, at the top of my voice, I basically told him: “Thanks for actually listening, you nimrod! Why did I have to go through all of that, you asshole!”

Did he revert to some kind of “aboulomania?” I know he certainly wasn’t suffering from “doromania!” Actually, I think his problem was definitely “potichomania!” Yep, that one makes total sense.

Since this is pretty long already, I’m going to make another post about how the meds I had to fight so hard for are affecting me.  I’ve got lots of time (even if only a few brain cells.)  Not surprisingly, I’m bedridden.

OMG.  I never keep up with WordPress, and their Widgets, and what they do, and everything they change…  My blog seems cluttered enough.  I just saw the word “Like” up there where I can access my Dashboard.  A (1) was sitting beside it.  Huh? I clicked on it and it told me I liked a post or something.

I’m an idiot.  I’ve seen the whole “Ratings” business on other people’s blogs, but for some reason, I didn’t think my template had it or…? Mine does, though.  Gee, everyone’s does! *laughing*

So, since I’ve been complaining endlessly that I think my blog sucks these days, I thought it only fitting that I activate this whole “Ratings Concept!”

This should be interesting.

Since I can’t see Non-Arsey Neuro for a fair bit yet and things are escalating.  Or de-escalating if you look at things from another angle.  Like my brain function and why I never thought of this.  Go see Merlin #2.  I explained things roughly to his lovely Admin. and I am going in tomorrow afternoon.

This is a good thing.  Very.  I don’t quite understand why I am getting worse so quickly.  If there is or are any reasons, should they really matter, though? Here I am, anyway!

Last night, two Valium and Gravol could not settle me at all.  My anxiety was so high, I almost thought I was going to start having Panic Attacks! I don’t have Panic Attacks! It felt like I had reached an entirely new level of insanity.  Well beyond anything I have ever known before.  I was thinking it felt like my head (or brain?) was splitting in two, but that doesn’t even come close.  Also, I think people say that a lot.  No, it defies description.  Sorry.  I can’t tell ya what it felt like.  I wish I could.

Well, because of the “panic stuff,” I guess you could say scary.  People who have Panic Attacks, well, they are scary.  Gee, PA.  That was pretty erudite.  Very enlightening for your readers.

Brain, meet toilet.  Hand, meet handle. *Flush…*

Right now, I can barely do anything.  I need to work on copy.  I need to re-write and edit some things.  Earlier, yesterday evening, all I could do was make a few bullet points. *crosses eyes*  I don’t know if have the will to even open up Word right now!

Time for a Valium? If it will even work? *shakes head and closes eyes*

I have at least prepared my very long list of notes for our appt. tomorrow.  And you can be damn sure I’ll be pushing for one hell of a med titration!

Well, it looks like I’m officially back blogging.  At least I think I am? Or maybe? I don’t know. *shakes head*

One thing I do know, is that when I wasn’t writing, I certainly needed to take care of this if/when I came back.  Another thing I know exactly at this moment (regardless of my blogging state) is I definitely want to write something to hopefully offset that doozy from last night! That wasn’t a very “happy” post.

So, thank you very much to Svasti for this wee, blogging award.

Thank you Svasti!

Thank you Svasti!

I have added it to my sidebar along with others that I have received.  At least with this one, I remember who gave it to me! The others? Oh, my.  Just to prove I have remembered, I have added a “Thank you” hover!

This award came with “attachments.”  Sorry, bad joke.  I am supposed to pass it along to five people.  I am awful at doing this and memes, as well.  I think I still have two outstanding memes from a year ago.  One may be floating around on a scrap of paper where I think I answered the questions, at least.  So, please pardon me whoever sent that one.  Maybe partial points for trying?

I’m going to go back to all of my other awards received, and create hovers for those, now.  Even though I’m not quite sure who gave them to me.  So, pardon me if I get you wrong! Some may remain as blank as the expression on my face as I’m writing this, if they really stump me.  Please feel free to let me know if I get anything mixed up and I’ll fix them.

I’ve ventured back out into the online world, now feeling like I want to run away all over again.  Gee, did I “push” myself by making a single post and pissing about on Twitter tonight? Writing a couple of measly things, and chucking up a bunch of songs on

Truly, I was only bored.  I had cabin fever.  I’ve been trying to write (when my brain is willing to cooperate) so I “ventured” out of my flat.  Yes, try to escape my hermetically sealed existence.  Oh, alright! I confess! I poke holes in the bag to breathe!

More “Truliness.”  I’m pissed off.  I know.  More repetition in my posting.  I’m not only pissed off with my life, but I’m pissed off with a bunch of other shit, as well.

Even more “Truliness.”  If I thought it would help, I’d toss my sorry, sad ass into hospital right now! If I met any other person in the state I am? I’d drag them by the roots of their hair if I had to get them to go inpatient.  So, why do you think I may be a tad hypocritical, here? Well, even if I explain, you still might see me as a hypocrite.

After seven hospitalizations, it really is pointless seeing a shrink that doesn’t know me from their own interns (actually, they may know me better than their interns.)  Scary thought, that! Even better demonstrated? Dr. PA knows her own screwed up bean.  Dr. PA’s Team knows her screwed up bean.  They work together on her screwed up bean.  Even if a shrink that does know me better than their interns tries to help, they still won’t have a clue and listen to Dr. PA.  This was proven by her last hospitalization!

After four days, I went from being in crisis to not, then immediately discharged.  This was all due to me having Asperger’s and due to that, being (or appearing) so bloody smart! Well, I am Dr. PA so I do understand my illnesses, disorders and psychiatry.  Nonetheless.  They said I was so smart, they didn’t deal with Asperger’s and I needed outpatient therapy–despite the fact that I still wanted to kill myself.

“Truliness,” I very much would like to go to hospital right now.  I really would.  But another thing I’ve learned in navigating our system for so long.  Harder to talk your way in and go voluntary.  Yes, fight to get help! Exhausting.  So, even if I were to…? I have to hang on until I see Non-Arsey Neuro on the 9th of August to go over meds.  That was the earliest appt. they had.

I’ll try and go to bed in a bit.  My mind is racing.  My head is hurting.  Please not another “overstimulated-migraine-brain-thinks-you’re-having-a-seizure-whack-out.”  I should have something to eat.  Try to relax.  See what the hell tomorrow brings.  Probably nothing different.

I’d like to say thanks to anyone/everyone who’s still been checking in, or reading since I haven’t been writing.  My stats haven’t completely plummeted, so I know some people are out there taking a ‘boo at PA.

MP3 of the Moment has definitely gone stale, so I thought I’d toss up a song.  Appropriate on two fronts.  I have so much trouble finding words in real life, and I’ve obviously been having a lot of trouble finding words around here.  Also, lots of problems moving forward, and my mind going in so many directions, and who knows where in both arenas, as well.

“Compulsion” by Martin Gore

The “fun?” I put up a pic on my outer, right sidebar by my email address.  I find it amusing.  Perhaps you will, too.

So, since I’ve written this, I suppose I am not throwing my blog out the window? However, don’t expect a plethora of posts, or for me to be exactly prolific in the immediate future.

Thank you again, to whomever you may be.

I need them.  I do.  However, by and large, in their strictest, most basic, and even literal forms for me to survive.  This is due to several of my diagnoses.

If I can ever hope to get anything done, I must write lists upon lists.  Time is a concept that remains perpetually elusive.  I must continually plan travel routes over and over, hours or even days ahead of leaving (despite any fact I’ve been there before.)  These are just a few examples of how I must strive to maintain some semblance of order in my life.

Recently, I have become aware of a “Ritual” that has not been very healthy for me.  I will get up, perform my “Morning Rituals,” and incorporate it into those: posting on my blog.  Even if I don’t post on my blog daily, the act is still remaining so “Repetitious,” that it has become a “Ritual” on its own.

So, now you may all be asking: “PA, yet another blogging break? You’ll just come back 24 hours later, right?” No, I don’t think I will come back 24 hours later.  That is, to post.  I’ll still be around to respond to comments if they come in.  I am also writing this so none of you will think I’ve gone and offed myself, since I’ve been talking about suicide so much.

My “Blogging Rituals” have become completely ridiculous! My posts are nothing but “Repetitive” in becoming so “Ritualistic!” I mean, for god’s sake! The other night, I locked down my blog, then I unlocked it.  Then I wrote a post about it.  Then I deleted my post telling everyone I locked it, and then unlocked it!

What the hell am I doing? Clearly (for now?) blogging is not doing me any favours. *shakes head*  At least I am realizing it?

I’m thinking back to a blogger I knew (and one of my subscribers knew, too!) Granted, this subscriber could telepathically read all I’ve written here, as we’ve discussed this whole issue countless times, anyway.  Telepathy may or may not be required for the next, but this subscriber should definitely be able to ascertain, said blogger?

Oh, dear.  I’m sort of laughing when I think of this person’s “blogging mayhem,” but it’s not funny.  Maybe it’s a sort of odd, small laugh.  Driven out of you by a sense of pathos.

Some time ago, quite some time ago, this person’s blog was like a yo-yo on a roller coaster! It was up, down, locked, unlocked, email up and down, as well.  No contact, off the radar, then back, but maybe just for a few seconds.  Then back again, and all is fine.  Then a brand new blog set up.  Then it was taken down.

Gee, did I catch all of the history, there? I’m not sure as there was so much going on.  I may have actually added details that didn’t happen, based upon that reason.  Either way, I think I get the idea.  That person is long gone.

You see, I don’t want to end up like that.  Obviously, that blogger was going through a lot of shit.  It was made patently obvious to the entire, online world via their blog.  I’m going through a lot of shit.  I think more than enough of it has been shot all over the entire, online world via my blog.  I think my blog has become a PzH 2000 Howitzer for the Internet.  Only I’ve made some serious modifications to it, in the way that it fires and the projectiles it uses.

There are no “Rules” to blogging, as the whole notion of it is so utterly vague and completely personal.  Nonetheless, some things are often said.  One of which is, blogging is supposed to be: <insert positive word/s of choice here>.  The minute you start inserting any words that are even remotely negative, you need to do some hard thinking.

This thinking will be hard.  Trust me.  I do enjoy blogging, but…ahhh…  Well, at this juncture, let’s just say I enjoyed it a lot more in the past.

Yeah, yeah.  It’s my blahg, don’t censor myself, write whatever I want, but fer feck’s sake.  Even I’m getting tired of this.  I can’t even imagine what you guys must be going through.

A funny thing happened when I looked into the mirror today.  For just the briefest instant, I almost felt like I didn’t recognize myself.  And I’m not talking about some kind of “Self-” or “Auto-” prosopagnosia.  No.

This business about the suicidality in such serious form, has been going on for too long.  With a short respite, it’s been at least three weeks? This is telling me that something is wrong.  If you have not been following, it is a lot more than suicidal ideation.  I have, for the second time in my life, reached an “Active Planning Stage.”  This time, it is…worse? That word, “worse.”  It can barely do it justice.

I have attempted to explain the gravity of what this actually means.  To reach this point.  At least for me? I’m not sure how many people may have been able to grasp it.  However, at least I know (despite the fact that I do not know how to deal with it.)  But I now have decided to at least do something.

Then, we have the physical.  My brain.  I have less of an understanding of just what is going on there, but I do know that it is neurological–in part? Tricky, tricky…  That would be my brain!

So, what exactly am I going to do? I am going to see Non-Arsey Neuro, and suggest some sort of med tweaking of my Anticonvulsants.  It may or may not help.  It may help some things.  Regardless, I have nothing to lose.

My rationale for doing this is because things are just that complicated, and things are overlapping so much.  Non-Arsey Neuro and I constantly laugh and banter back and forth about how utterly insane my brain really is.  Because it is.  So many damn comorbidities.

Now, though, I think it’s time to sit down and for me to make a proposal.  Yes, it is complicated, will sound complicated but…

The suicidal business.  I have dropped far too low, for far too long.  Bipolar.  My moods.  Some assistance required, there? This probably sounds like more of a psychiatric issue, but the overlap.  When I am now becoming too overstimulated emotionally (did you get that–emotionally?) due to the Asperger’s, my neurons are going completely nuts.  They’re misfiring all over, and my brain is basically “telling” my body that I am having a seizure.  My body is even acting like it.  The same thing is happening when I have had some recent migraines.  In fact, it might not even be without the realm of possibility that I may be having seizures! I am just unaware of them!

Of course you do not take Anticonvulsants for Asperger’s! To me, that seems a trifle absurd unless there would prove reason such as comorbid Bipolar or epilepsy? That “absurdity” is off point.  May I ask you to stop and read the above paragraph, again? Now that is absurd.  Plus, Non-Arsey Neuro knows all about this, already.  I spoke to him over the phone about it.  We just let it go, but it is happening with greater frequency.  As a further point, albeit a minor one, perhaps, Anticonvulsants are used for migraine prophylaxis.

Finally, we come to my last point for Anticonvulsant titration.  My new pattern of Reflex seizures.  My epilepsy is idiopathic, and now even more difficult to treat.  Still, this may be the last of the trifecta.

I also want to talk to him about cross-polarized lenses, and what not, but that’s incidental to this post.

PA has asked me to pass along a couple of messages to all of you.

First, she wishes to thank all of you for your patience with both her, and this blog.  She knows that both have not been very pleasant of late.

Further is her second point, which relates to the above.  If you think a person’s frustration levels are limitless, you are more mentally ill than she is.

This second point is not such a good thing for wee PA, right now.  She needs to reach a point of frustration, the end of the line, as you might wish to call it, but she cannot do so.

I fear she is not seeing any “lines,” or really much of anything at all, at the moment.  She is still in some post-ictal netherworld.  She is telling me that her head feels like it is floating around all over the room, and her stomach is very upset.  I need to get her ready to go shopping with Grocery Man soon, too! She has no food in her flat!

She is trying to work on, perhaps, an amusing post today, as well.  That is, if her brain can clear up.  She thinks it would be good to try and lighten things up around here.