I’ve got to get this up fast while he’s not around.  I got doped up, and tossed into bed, again.  Yeah.  Now, he’s in the goddamn kitchen, trying to find me something to eat.  We just had our fiftieth, goddamn fight today about that! I don’t want to eat.  He’s probably gonna ram it down my goddamn throat!

If you’ve been paying any attention to what’s been happening on my blog today, well, he’s kicked me off it! Yeah.  What a bastard! For Chrissake! Even reading his writing irritates me.  It’s so corny.  I may have flunked out of everything else, but I did fine in English.  I know corny writing when I see it!

In his post, he called me an “ABSOLUTE BRAT!” Fine.  I’ll own up to that, fair and square.  I have been.  I’ve been being an “ABSOLUTE BRAT” a lot this week.  Actually, I can be an “ABSOLUTE BRAT” a lot of the time.  When I’m an “ABSOLUTE BRAT” I don’t kid around.  I’m pretty serious about it.  But I’ll take my punishment for it all.  I believe in being responsible for my actions.  I’m a very responsible person.

Man, he’s mad at me, though.   If he knew I was on my blog right now? There’d be so many feathers, and so much bird shit all over! Like it already isn’t a huge enough dump around here.  Man, this place is really crumby.

I wanted to say something though.  I was thinking about it, and it’s kind of weird.  I don’t know how to describe it.  It’s not because I’m doped up and maybe sounding a bit odd, either.  I do know I’m a moron.  Everybody knows I’m a moron because they call me it a lot.  Maybe I am a female reincarnation of Holden Caulfield.  I don’t know.  Maybe that’s because I’m a moron. I’ll let you all know when I’m done reading Catcher in the Rye.  As far as I can tell, the only thing I’m confused about, is when I worry.

You see, when I worry, I don’t kid around.  I’m pretty serious about it.  Although, I don’t really have to pee when I’m worried.  But I might? And if I do, well, I don’t think I worry about peeing.  But I probably still might not be able to pee when I’m worried.

I don’t know.  I’m a moron.

Anyway, what I was trying to say, was that sometime back in May, I was talking about my life becoming a totally, decimated, nuclear wasteland.  I kind of like that idea.  It fascinates me in a gory, sort of grotesque way.  I swear, sometimes thoughts like that really kill me!  But what I meant was, if I could get through something that made my life like that, I could get through anything!

Back when I talked about it, things weren’t as bad as they are now.  Sure, I got kicked out of Pencey lost my job way over two years ago. There’s also been much more going on since then.  Obviously.  So, maybe with things getting much worse, I’m heading in that direction again.

Anyone want to play Checkers?

Signed, Holden Caulfield PA

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  1. May

    I randomly decided to try chanting awhile back cause I saw something about it in a magazine (and I was bored). Mostly just started doing it cause it gave my brain something else to fixate on beside my problems (and how big an ass I was). It was like praying the rosary, which I’d done for a while when with my ex/husband cause he went back to being Catholic and I liked Mary… but the patriarchal god stuff in there always kinda bugged me. I feel like the chanting broke me out of my negative thinking patterns. I’ve felt much saner since I started it…

    Don’t let AP catch you ((hug))

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  2. I’ll play checkers…you will win though, I suck at it Also: *GIANT SMOOSHY HUG*

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  3. Hi May. You’re funny. “…and I was bored…”. “…and how big an ass I was…”. *laughing*

    I can’t do the chanting thing out loud. Even alone! That makes me feel like an ass! Although, I do love Buddhist Mandalas. I don’t have one/any. Well, okay…I could chant silently in my head. I’ve done the meditation thing, though. Absolutely.

    Sometimes? Really hard. I find it so hard to concentrate when in the throes of who knows what! I’ve said that a lot on this blog.

    I agree. Patriarchal, god crap. I’m an Atheist but when I can get my head ready for it, I have a book I want to read that approaches Agnosticism from a philosophical perspective. Which really makes total sense.

    And no, he didn’t catch me. I was pretty slick. I was very sneaky. Trust me, when I’m sneaky, I don’t kid around. I’m pretty serious about it…

    Okay, I’ll stop butchering Salinger now.

    *hugs*

    Hi Canageek. Well, I just might win if you play like good ol’ Jean Gallagher! Man, there she is, again! She just popped right into my head all over again. She always kept her kings in the back row…

    *hugs back*

    Note to May: sorry, just can’t stop with the butchering.

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  4. May

    Oh goody! I made you laugh :)

    I can’t chant outloud either. Makes me feel ridiculous! I just repeat it over and over in my head. It’s better than saying “Your such a stupid loser” to myself over and over, that’s for sure!

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  5. Hi May. Thanks. Yes, you do have a tendency to make me laugh.

    Righty-O about saying weird, repetitive things out loud! Unless I’m perseverating or doing my palilalia gig. I don’t mind verbally stimming in public, but there’s no way I’m going to chant! Even at home alone!

    Now, how crazy Aspie is that? Plus, I’ve made repetitive, verbal utterances that probably DO sound like chants because they’re not even words. And yet, I don’t care! Man. You could buy me a 10 kilo. bag of chestnuts, and I couldn’t fly off them fast enough!

    You are right though, negative self-talk isn’t so great. I need to work on that. I can’t pretend that’s a stim.

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