I’m sitting here waiting for some sweet relief, trying to find some way in hell to calm my sorry, sad ass down.  I’m thinking about making a post or not and, well, I guess there’s no thought involved.  Here I am typing.  I’ve got this Irish accent running through my head even as I’m doing it.  But I’m not writing it phonetically.  Or, even in any other “linguistic manner” that you could recognize it that way.  But that’s not even the point.  Why the hell did I even bring that up?

I don’t know what happened today.  All I know is that as soon as I left the house, I need a Valium immediately.  Even that didn’t make sense.  So far, I’ve taken three today and they haven’t done shite.  Well, maybe the third made a slight dent.  Now, I’m home and had downed all my sleep meds, plus some Gravol.  It’s late again and I have to get up early for that part time job thingy.  That I don’t even care about anymore.

After today, hell, even before today it was bad enough.  Trying to hang on to the tiny things that have been good lately has been tough.  Now? I fake a laugh.  But it’s really more a maniacal cackle.  Although, tonight, it became downright evil.  Evil PA.

Did I ever know I had an evil side? If I did, was I in denial or just too fucking stupid to not see it! Well, I did tonight! I don’t get physically violent.  I NEVER do!!! But at my friend J.’s tonight, I told him that if I did, his apartment would have been destroyed while we were having dinner.

Then, on the way home, I saw this couple.  They were beautiful.  So attractive looking.  They looked so in love.  And you know what? I wanted to bash their heads in, and bleed them to a bloody pulp! I wanted to yell at them, “Go fuck yourselves!” Then, I sort of laughed in my head.  “Go fuck yourselves.”

Right.  That’s what you do–every night when you go home together.  Fuck yourselves.  Well, in me kicking the shit out of you and telling you to go fuck yourselves, maybe I’m sending you a message.  It’s the reason why I’m staying away from relationships.  You just get “fucked” in the end.

Postscript: there was a hell of a lot more “Evil PA” going on tonight.  I just didn’t write about it here.


  1. Angry, are we?
    Have you ever tried to let it out?
    Girl, it feels great!
    You CAN actually voice it and give its full intensity.. Maybe not to that couple LOL they ‘probably’ would not understand LOL… But do let it out! Go out in the middle of nowhere or in a gym, kick a sack LOL, run a mile, listen to some music, take a drive, and let the flow come out. Whether what you say may make any sense or no, does not matter… it’s the let-out that matters. Unload.

    Then, breathe the fresh air :-)


  2. awww, feeling any better yet? You know you are really evil, someone evil would act on their impulses. Or should I not look in your basement. #joke


  3. Hi Eric aka Myautisticson. Gee? Do ya think? *rolls eyes*

    Yesterday, was a very bad day. And apparently, yesterday is not over yet. It appears, today is still yesterday. I just got off the phone, sobbing like crazy to someone, regarding the event that basically was the final nail in my coffin. That person didn’t “officially” hammer that nail, however, I am now feeling like they are wielding their own hammer–and it is aimed directly at my head!

    I have problems letting my anger out. I always have. I am trying to get better at it, though. Perhaps, in other ways, than flinging it all over my blog?

    Yesterday. What the hell was it about yesterday?

    Another online person asked me about Asperger’s/people on the Spectrum and heat. It’s like we’ve suddenly been teleported to some tropical country over the last week or two! First, we’re getting bloody earthquakes that hit 5.5 on the Richter, now this! I’ve been waiting for a goddamn monsoon to come around the corner any second!

    Anyway, I couldn’t find anything in “the literature,” but we Aspies are sensitive to all kinds of shit. Maybe the outrageous heat drove me completely batty!

    Or did I venture into Bipolar Land? I don’t think so. Granted I cycle so fast as an Ultradian Cycler. Even uber-fast for our clan! Within 24-48 hours, so I usually don’t catch it until I’m right in the hellish middle of it! But no. It didn’t feel like it.

    Now, let’s also remember that I am just climbing out of the worst place I have EVER been, in terms of suicidality in my life (so far…) That said, I might be a bit…fragile? Again, do ya think? So, maybe the slightest trigger (or even a succession of them) would knock me maybe…a TAD off kilter?

    Because that’s just how my day went. A succession of things that may not have been a big deal. But they just kept coming and coming and coming… Then, that big blast of a one!

    I could go on and try to respond further to what you’ve written in your comment, but now, because of that phone call…I’m buggered all over again.

    Hi canageek. Well, as above, no. I am not feeling any better. In fact, I am feeling worse. Well, I don’t know. Definitely horrid. How’s that?

    Yes, my basement. I don’t have one, but should I manage to acquire one where I live someday, you definitely know there will be a dungeon!


  4. arifaery

    Hey PA.

    I’ve been thinking about you. I’ve been in this place before and it is not pleasant at all. I don’t know what helps you, but if you do I hope you are able to do it. I really just hope you feel better.


  5. Hi arifaery. Thanks for thinking of me, hon. You are always such a dear. And of course, thank you for your support, as always. I do want to feel better. I really do. Oh, yeah.


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