Archive for July 10th, 2010

I wasn’t even going to bother making a post, but I can’t sit long enough to watch a movie in a chair or elevate my right leg in it, so the best place to be is in bed.  It hurts too damn much, and of course because it’s neurological, NSAIDs don’t do crap.  I’ll get to my leg later.  However, I am hobbling around with Wonder Cane (that isn’t seeming so “Wonder”ful at the moment.”)

Initially, I was going to make a post.  Well, thinking about it this morning on the way to class.  Which, today, by the way, was my “official” last one. *shrug*

My blog has been somewhat of a disaster (somewhat?) so I thought I could at least write a simple “update.”  However, as the morning grew longer into the afternoon, I knew there was something I had to do.  I had to write a very difficult email to someone.  It is concerning events of late, things that have morphed into something that never should have (in my mind!) and thus, how I don’t think I can handle all of the ramifications.

I can only hope that this person will be able to handle what I said to them.  It’s about our newly, formed “business.”  I strongly suspect I will need to back out.  More than strongly? I would hate for it to ruin our friendship.  I must be prepared for that outcome, though.

Good friends are hard to find.  Definitely for me.  I tend to fuck up any and all relationships in my life.  I always have (hence, why I have so few of them!) Still, I actually am willing to place my sanity first.  I will be sad if I lose this person, but it only makes sense.  For if I am not capable of these things, all will fail, anyway? Then, surely, extreme conflict will arise.  I am already such a bomb with a short fuse in relationships.  Perhaps in doing this, we can either lengthen that fuse, or not even light it at all?

I do not know.

My leg? *shakes head*  My brain is up to its (not so funny) tricks, again.  I guess the stress of it all, the stress of my own life, everything…it decided to make my legs go a bit wonky.  I could feel it when I was walking home.  Heavy, like I had just run a marathon without properly stretching.  The muscles all tight.  Now sore.

I was very stimmy today.  Yes, the Asperger’s and getting overloaded seems to be causing such crazy misfiring, which then manifests itself physically–like some form of a seizure.

Do you know there is a proper way of walking with a cane? At least if you’ve got only one bum leg.  You place it down and apply the pressure and your weight in tandem with your “good” leg.  Don’t place it on the ground and lean on it while you’re using your “bad” leg.  It puts the actual weight of your balance and the strain on it.

I feel like such a useless wreck.  No, I do.  No pity, please.  I am deteriorating.  Mentally, physically…right before my very own eyes! Every time I turn around, another piece of me falls to the wayside! It’s like, what a waste! Who wants to be like this? Who would ever want to be with someone like this?

And you question why I want to kill myself?

Sweetie GP gave me shit about that when I went for my physical the other day.  She was around when it wasn’t so bad with the other “active planning stage.”  She said, “That’s when you’re supposed to come to me! Maybe something needs to be done!”

Meds.  She was talking about meds? She may actually have a point.  Even though Non-Arsey Neuro and I have become so resigned to my brain being utterly redonculous and beyond all hope, maybe…? I’m not sure.  Because it’s all so interconnected.  Would this work? Titrate something? Because the ACs cover so much for me, theoretically.  Well, not really theory, at all.  Even the Clobazam/Frisium that is actually a benzo, but used for seizures.

No meds Rx’d for Asperger’s but ACs for epilepsy and Bipolar.  Asperger’s overstimulation due to emotional overload.  Bipolar cycling due to emotional triggers.  Stress lowers seizure thresholds, but meds can’t eradicate stress.  Still, ACs are what is used to manage epilepsy.

Everything is due to the misfiring (miswiring?!) of my brain.  Maybe a stretch but I can go a hell of a lot higher than my current dosage for the ACs and the Clobazam.  Absolutely.  Hey, couldn’t hurt? Also, in light of me wanting off myself so brutally these days? Crank up the ACs for another Bipolar crisis? *shakes head again*

I need to call him about something else, anyway.  Mention it just for the halibut?

Okay, going to try and go knock myself out a bit (more.)  Rest.  Please? Feeling sick. *sighs*