Hey, it’s me. Holden Caulfield.


I just finished reading about part of my life I already talked about ages ago (it’s in this thing called “The Catcher in the Rye”) and I’ve now confirmed that I have definitely been reincarnated.  Just as a woman.  In fact, I think this could be a seventh version of me somehow, as I seem to have had seven hospitalizations at this point! Maybe I actually did come back as a guy before, but I don’t mind being a woman, so much.  Although, getting a period is kinda weird.  All this blood coming out of you.  Every month, too! Wow, it can hurt.  That’s another thing.  Wow, it can hurt.

I don’t want to bore you to your own death, by retelling my whole story for the one thousandth time.  In fact, if it’s all just the same, I’d rather not repeat it ever again.  However, I know you’ll all want proof that it’s actually me so I’ll just mention a few things I said.

We used to go see my younger brother Allie, well not see him in the cemetery, but you know, go there all the time.  I hated it.  We’d even go in the rain. The goddamn rain for Chrissake! That made me hate it even more.  I still don’t know how I feel about this but what I thought was:

It’s not too bad when the sun’s out, but the sun only comes out when it feels like coming out.

When I was thinking about heading out west somewhere, just ditching New York, altogether, I had to see old Phoebe before I left.  She’s my little sister.  She’s something else.  Smart as a whip.  The things she comes up with sometimes.

I went to her school to leave a note to meet me at the Museum of art during her lunch break.  I met two kids while I was waiting who wanted to see the mummies.  I had some extra time, so I showed them where they were.  I know this is going to sound so weird as I’m talking about death and cemeteries again but this really got me going.  It’s not just what it was but I saw the same thing at Phoebe’s school right before!

I was the only one left in the tomb then.  I sort of liked it, in a way.  It was so nice and peaceful.  Then, all of a sudden, you’d never guess what I saw on the wall.  Another “Fuck you.”  It was written with a red crayon or something, right under the glass part of the wall, under the stones.

That’s the whole trouble.  You can’t ever find a place that’s nice and peaceful, because there isn’t any.  You may think there is, but once you get there, when you’re not looking, somebody’ll sneak up and write “Fuck you” right under your nose.  Try it sometime.  I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it’ll say “Holden Caulfield” on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, and then right under that it’ll say “Fuck you.”  I’m positive, in fact.

Actually, right now I’m looking down to see if someone’s sneaked up when I wasn’t looking and written a big “Fuck you” on my shirt.  Yeah, right under my nose.  So far, so good.

I’m just going to say one more thing.  That’s because I told you right from the beginning I didn’t want to tell you anything.  This is the last thing I said when I was in the hospital ward but I can’t remember which time.  Because I’ve had seven or something, now, right? Maybe I’ve even had more and gone back in time five hundred times and each time, I had millions of hospitalizations.  Anyway, the last thing I’ll tell you is the last thing I said when I was in at least one of those psycho wards.  It’s not something I’m going to say ever again, either but I guess that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense if I keep getting reincarnated or backincarnated or something.  I guess I can only try though and I really feel this way, I do, Mr. (or Ms.?) Holden Caulfield Esq. I do.  My last words, the last words, I ever spoke:

Don’t ever tell anybody anything.  If you do, you start missing everybody.

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