I popped up something on Twitter earlier while at my friend J.’s place.  I had a feeling I needed Wonder Cane but I didn’t bring it.  I was right.  I was so goddamn stupid and right, I had to buy a cane while at his place! That’s what I put up on Twitter.

This isn’t a way to live.

But it doesn’t end there (and I won’t bother to get into our evening…just my medical shit.)

I had another seizure where my airway was pretty much cut off.  AHA! You didn’t know about those ones did you! Kinda scary, don’t you think?

Loss of postural tone.  My head, neck.  I’ve had that before.  Difference is, three times lately, it’s gone backward.  Before, it was only off to the side.  As a result, my head falls so far back, it feels like I can’t breathe.  The last two times, I was okay and my consciousness wasn’t altered to such a degree, so I could basically either straighten my head, or literally pull it up with my hand.  Tonight, I scared the shit out of J. by telling him to do it.

I didn’t mean to.  I just wanted him to be aware of my new seizure pattern.  And you know what?

This isn’t a way to live.

I’ll call Non-Arsey Neuro, I guess.  Combine the fact that “This Isn’t a Way to Live.”  He doesn’t know how much I want to die so, okay, ramp up the ACs for the Bipolar? The goddamn Asperger’s overstimulation is making my brain think I’m seizing? Migraines, too? Stress…oh, fuck stress! That’s been the whole premise all along!

I’m sick.  I know I am.  Very.  Extremely. Mentally, physically…  I do have the foresight to see it, at least?

It still doesn’t mean that I don’t want to die.

I’m trapped.

This isn’t a way to live.

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  1. Shiv

    Tigger-girlie! I am so sorry things are unbearable for you hunnie, and I sincerely wish I could help somehow, anyhow :( we are sending over some cuteness to bring a little light to your day – I hope it at least brings a smile :)
    *hugs* am thinking about you sweetie!
    -ShivBear

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  2. theaspiepenguin

    Hello Shiv. Yes, it would seem that wee PA is slipping again. She was starting to come out of the hole she was in, but now, somehow, she is sinking back into it. I am rather disappointed with it all. However, I understand, of course. I am not disappointed with her! Although, I am sitting back and watching her own frustration and the disappointment she is seeing in herself.

    All people who have mental illnesses, developmental disorders, or both, have larger challenges in life. Life is challenging enough for everyone.

    PA does not think that she is far more special, or greater a person in this arena. Nonetheless, her brain is very complex due to her multiple comorbidities. I believe there is a key issue here. It may be the entire issue. I am not sure.

    There has been too much change, at too rapid a pace. It has occurred within too brief a time period for her to handle.

    Within two years, PA has gone from someone who could, for the most part, successfully manage her mental and physical health. This is no longer the case. Her physical health may prove less of a problem, but the mental health issues have increased exponentially.

    She is happy to hear of a pressie coming in the mail. You are too kind and generous. She thanks you so much already, just hearing about it. She already knows it will brighten her day and put a smile on her face. It wouldn’t matter what was inside the packaging one bit.

    Take care,
    AP

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  3. May

    “This isn’t a way to live.”

    Basically what I’ve been feeling/saying myself lately (but just to Matt): “I don’t want to live like this” (i.e. with Asperger’s). I try very hard to look on the bright side of things, but knowing I will always have this much trouble interacting with people makes me feel trapped and hopeless.

    Sorry to hear about your seizures. ((hug))

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  4. Hi May. I’m sorry for you too. *hugs* Misery loves company, I guess? Ah, look at us! We can always relate to something the other says, huh?

    I have always tried to never let my diagnoses get in the way of me doing things either, but Aspie Penguin makes a good point. There’s been too much, too fast. Maybe just too much altogether? There isn’t much that I feel I know at all, right now. Although, I think I may have clued in to one thing that isn’t making me feel so great. Stay tuned for today’s post!

    With the Asperger’s, I have talked to people, or heard them talk, just as you do, now. How painful it is to interact with people and you do feel it totally hopeless. I have thought about that myself.

    Perhaps, I don’t feel it that hopeless because I don’t interact with anybody! Although, should I try to do so more, I may experience that feeling.

    Thanks about the seizures. I don’t seem to have much control over those so… *shrug* But thanks again, anyway. Hearing it still is important.

    *hugs*

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