Yeah, yeah.  It’s my blahg, don’t censor myself, write whatever I want, but fer feck’s sake.  Even I’m getting tired of this.  I can’t even imagine what you guys must be going through.

A funny thing happened when I looked into the mirror today.  For just the briefest instant, I almost felt like I didn’t recognize myself.  And I’m not talking about some kind of “Self-” or “Auto-” prosopagnosia.  No.

This business about the suicidality in such serious form, has been going on for too long.  With a short respite, it’s been at least three weeks? This is telling me that something is wrong.  If you have not been following, it is a lot more than suicidal ideation.  I have, for the second time in my life, reached an “Active Planning Stage.”  This time, it is…worse? That word, “worse.”  It can barely do it justice.

I have attempted to explain the gravity of what this actually means.  To reach this point.  At least for me? I’m not sure how many people may have been able to grasp it.  However, at least I know (despite the fact that I do not know how to deal with it.)  But I now have decided to at least do something.

Then, we have the physical.  My brain.  I have less of an understanding of just what is going on there, but I do know that it is neurological–in part? Tricky, tricky…  That would be my brain!

So, what exactly am I going to do? I am going to see Non-Arsey Neuro, and suggest some sort of med tweaking of my Anticonvulsants.  It may or may not help.  It may help some things.  Regardless, I have nothing to lose.

My rationale for doing this is because things are just that complicated, and things are overlapping so much.  Non-Arsey Neuro and I constantly laugh and banter back and forth about how utterly insane my brain really is.  Because it is.  So many damn comorbidities.

Now, though, I think it’s time to sit down and for me to make a proposal.  Yes, it is complicated, will sound complicated but…

The suicidal business.  I have dropped far too low, for far too long.  Bipolar.  My moods.  Some assistance required, there? This probably sounds like more of a psychiatric issue, but the overlap.  When I am now becoming too overstimulated emotionally (did you get that–emotionally?) due to the Asperger’s, my neurons are going completely nuts.  They’re misfiring all over, and my brain is basically “telling” my body that I am having a seizure.  My body is even acting like it.  The same thing is happening when I have had some recent migraines.  In fact, it might not even be without the realm of possibility that I may be having seizures! I am just unaware of them!

Of course you do not take Anticonvulsants for Asperger’s! To me, that seems a trifle absurd unless there would prove reason such as comorbid Bipolar or epilepsy? That “absurdity” is off point.  May I ask you to stop and read the above paragraph, again? Now that is absurd.  Plus, Non-Arsey Neuro knows all about this, already.  I spoke to him over the phone about it.  We just let it go, but it is happening with greater frequency.  As a further point, albeit a minor one, perhaps, Anticonvulsants are used for migraine prophylaxis.

Finally, we come to my last point for Anticonvulsant titration.  My new pattern of Reflex seizures.  My epilepsy is idiopathic, and now even more difficult to treat.  Still, this may be the last of the trifecta.

I also want to talk to him about cross-polarized lenses, and what not, but that’s incidental to this post.

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  1. Damn, wish I’d taken the time to read this before. Got your letter and you seemed to be doing better so I’ve been working on one to Ada instead of a reply to you! :( WORRIED GEEK!

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  2. Hi Canageek. Try not to be so worried. Although, I have learned over the years to try not to “tell” people how to feel. Everyone is entitled to feel however they wish, and even though emotions can be incredibly inconvenient at times, they can actually serve a purpose during those times.

    However, back on point as I just woke up (and you know what I’m like then, completely without my tea etc…) This is certainly one of those times where I don’t understand just what purpose my feelings seem to be fulfilling…yet?

    Nonetheless, I am still here. I’ll explain more about that in your other comment as it seems to fit better with that post.

    My letter? Well, you see I was doing better for a while. I was climbing out of this soul-sucking, evil, dark place, but no. I got “soul-sucked” back into it, I suppose.

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