I need them.  I do.  However, by and large, in their strictest, most basic, and even literal forms for me to survive.  This is due to several of my diagnoses.

If I can ever hope to get anything done, I must write lists upon lists.  Time is a concept that remains perpetually elusive.  I must continually plan travel routes over and over, hours or even days ahead of leaving (despite any fact I’ve been there before.)  These are just a few examples of how I must strive to maintain some semblance of order in my life.

Recently, I have become aware of a “Ritual” that has not been very healthy for me.  I will get up, perform my “Morning Rituals,” and incorporate it into those: posting on my blog.  Even if I don’t post on my blog daily, the act is still remaining so “Repetitious,” that it has become a “Ritual” on its own.

So, now you may all be asking: “PA, yet another blogging break? You’ll just come back 24 hours later, right?” No, I don’t think I will come back 24 hours later.  That is, to post.  I’ll still be around to respond to comments if they come in.  I am also writing this so none of you will think I’ve gone and offed myself, since I’ve been talking about suicide so much.

My “Blogging Rituals” have become completely ridiculous! My posts are nothing but “Repetitive” in becoming so “Ritualistic!” I mean, for god’s sake! The other night, I locked down my blog, then I unlocked it.  Then I wrote a post about it.  Then I deleted my post telling everyone I locked it, and then unlocked it!

What the hell am I doing? Clearly (for now?) blogging is not doing me any favours. *shakes head*  At least I am realizing it?

I’m thinking back to a blogger I knew (and one of my subscribers knew, too!) Granted, this subscriber could telepathically read all I’ve written here, as we’ve discussed this whole issue countless times, anyway.  Telepathy may or may not be required for the next, but this subscriber should definitely be able to ascertain, said blogger?

Oh, dear.  I’m sort of laughing when I think of this person’s “blogging mayhem,” but it’s not funny.  Maybe it’s a sort of odd, small laugh.  Driven out of you by a sense of pathos.

Some time ago, quite some time ago, this person’s blog was like a yo-yo on a roller coaster! It was up, down, locked, unlocked, email up and down, as well.  No contact, off the radar, then back, but maybe just for a few seconds.  Then back again, and all is fine.  Then a brand new blog set up.  Then it was taken down.

Gee, did I catch all of the history, there? I’m not sure as there was so much going on.  I may have actually added details that didn’t happen, based upon that reason.  Either way, I think I get the idea.  That person is long gone.

You see, I don’t want to end up like that.  Obviously, that blogger was going through a lot of shit.  It was made patently obvious to the entire, online world via their blog.  I’m going through a lot of shit.  I think more than enough of it has been shot all over the entire, online world via my blog.  I think my blog has become a PzH 2000 Howitzer for the Internet.  Only I’ve made some serious modifications to it, in the way that it fires and the projectiles it uses.

There are no “Rules” to blogging, as the whole notion of it is so utterly vague and completely personal.  Nonetheless, some things are often said.  One of which is, blogging is supposed to be: <insert positive word/s of choice here>.  The minute you start inserting any words that are even remotely negative, you need to do some hard thinking.

This thinking will be hard.  Trust me.  I do enjoy blogging, but…ahhh…  Well, at this juncture, let’s just say I enjoyed it a lot more in the past.

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  1. Psychology Student #-55

    *hugses* If you need time away from blogging, then that’s what you should do hun :)
    But we’ll still be here, your dedicated readers, if you decide to come back and post again :)

    ~You Know Who (I hope!)

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  2. Hi Psychology Student #-55. Yes, I know who you are.

    I’m not quite sure how many “dedicated readers” I exactly have (or have left) but if they do exist, I would like to keep them!

    Perhaps, it is only that I do need a break. My blog is making me…”sad,” these days. Yes? Useless word. What isn’t making me “sad,” these days? However, enough of that. This post, and subsequent comment space, is about my blog.

    I was thinking about “the good ol’ days.” Those being, when I started. Of course a blog has a life of its own and even a life cycle, but wow. Back then? *another small odd laugh driven only by pathos*

    I never thought I’d blog, but when I started, having no clue, it involved my instigator, my mentor or both. We still joke about it to this day.

    Sometimes, I feel I owe every single post to him, no matter what I may think of its content. I was his newly, found protege! Literally, introduced to the blogosphere via a post and this blogger had/has a huge following. This is not ego. It’s just how it was. The past.

    I wrote better then. Certainly much better than I do now. My topics were more broad, more interesting, more fun. The other bloggers I knew and what we did! The shenanigans! It was a real hoot, even though I still maintained a psych angle. And yes, I do understand the changes in the blogosphere but…

    I don’t feel my posts are of so much use, now. At least not the recent ones. I know there are lurkers. There always are. However, when I get new comments, they tend to show up on the older posts–the ones that I feel carry more weight and are and were more useful, helpful, interesting etc…

    Thanks for your comment, though. I don’t know what else to say right now. I suppose I don’t want to go away, though.

    Anyway, I won’t bother deviating back into the personal. That’s what I’m trying to avoid!

    Like

  3. I hadn’t been reading other people’s sites much for the past few months. Too busy. I settled into a groove of writing on my own site while pretty much assuming nobody reads it. Then today I started cruising blogs and this is the third post I’ve come across that talks about the frustrations of blogging. What once seemed like a great thing to me now seems almost masturbatory. Why do I even write when so few people read? Am I helping myself? With so few readers I can’t be helping others. So why? Anyway, we all seem to have our own reasons for questioning the blog as a form, but the question is in the air in a way I’ve not seen before: Why blog?

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  4. i was telling my psychologist about my blog just a few days ago, how sometimes I feel better after even a small blog entry and he seemed…or made me feel like blogging wasnt a good idea…
    well the part about exposing my self to possible mean and shady people..

    i was really pissed.

    Like

  5. Why don’t you have a freind lock the blog for you & only give you back the password at a set time?

    Trying to help

    –Canageek

    Like

  6. Hi WillSpirit. Good to see you. I know all about not reading other blogs. I’ve been stuck in that groove (or non-groove) for ages. Aeons.

    The question of, “Why blog? or “Why do I blog?” has been around the blogosphere for aeons, as well. I even wrote a post specifically about it in a more detailed manner here:

    https://patientanonymous.wordpress.com/2010/05/29/why-the-hell-do-i-blog/

    However, this is the first time in my blogging history where I’ve had such a “blogging crisis,” that I’ve actually taken a serious break.

    Thanks for your comment. You’ve got a lot of it nailed down, I think.

    Hi panicmonster. I think that’s a really awful thing to say, even if it was only implicit. Or, explicit regarding “mean and shady people?”

    I won’t argue that there are trolls and flamers all over the place. Sometimes, that just can’t be avoided. I have been extremely lucky in that area! I’m not sure why.

    It may be the content of my blog, how I write it and comment, my readers. Again, maybe I’m just lucky. Although, I do know how to deal with them in my own way, plus my wonderful readers also have come to my defense when it has happened. I owe them a million “Thank you’s” for that!

    I think you have every right to be pissed off. I say, keep blogging as much as you want! Don’t let it stop you. I was seeing someone for therapy when I had just started my blog several years ago, and she thought it was a great idea. So, nuts to your therapist!

    Hi Canageek. Thanks, but it’s not an issue of impulsivity or anything. I really do think I need a break (at the very least.)

    Another thing I realized I was doing, was just sitting around staring at my computer, not doing much of anything. I was just “living” my online life. I was completely ignoring my real life. So, apart from all I wrote above, that’s not a good thing, either!

    Nonetheless, these comments that are coming in do help and they really mean a lot to me. While I am trying to sort all of this out, there is quite a lot of emotional upheaval going on. That may indeed sound strange considering this is “just a blog.” Read the link to that post I made above, and you will understand why.

    This blog has impacted my life in so many ways. If I actually were to stop blogging, it would be like a death occurring in my life. Well, not like, it would be. And a part of me would die with it. The amount of sadness and grief involved in that would be immense.

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  7. thanks for the reply.
    i absolutely love venting on my blog. i hold nothing back and tell it like it is.
    there are only a handful of people in my real life that know of my blog and i want to keep it that way
    but youre right, sometimes someone comes along and replied to an entry and im like YESSSSS SOME ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!!!
    and really, at the end of the day, that is all i want <3
    oxoxox

    Like

  8. Hi panicmonster. Oh, you are more than welcome for the reply.

    I understand. I am very open and honest here, as well. Although, at times, I do feel like I whine so much! I think that has more to do with where I am in life right now–and I’ve been stuck here for far too long.

    It was funny as my blog both began and kept growing. I gave people I knew the url but they never even bothered to read it! *shakes head* So, now? Well, what’s the point?

    Yes, it does help and mean a lot when people come by, and there is a form of mutual understanding. Absolutely. I know, for me, it’s gotten me through a lot of hard times just with blogging alone! You read that correctly–just one reason.

    Thanks for the hugs and kisses. Right back at ya!

    Like




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