Since I can’t see Non-Arsey Neuro for a fair bit yet and things are escalating.  Or de-escalating if you look at things from another angle.  Like my brain function and why I never thought of this.  Go see Merlin #2.  I explained things roughly to his lovely Admin. and I am going in tomorrow afternoon.

This is a good thing.  Very.  I don’t quite understand why I am getting worse so quickly.  If there is or are any reasons, should they really matter, though? Here I am, anyway!

Last night, two Valium and Gravol could not settle me at all.  My anxiety was so high, I almost thought I was going to start having Panic Attacks! I don’t have Panic Attacks! It felt like I had reached an entirely new level of insanity.  Well beyond anything I have ever known before.  I was thinking it felt like my head (or brain?) was splitting in two, but that doesn’t even come close.  Also, I think people say that a lot.  No, it defies description.  Sorry.  I can’t tell ya what it felt like.  I wish I could.

Well, because of the “panic stuff,” I guess you could say scary.  People who have Panic Attacks, well, they are scary.  Gee, PA.  That was pretty erudite.  Very enlightening for your readers.

Brain, meet toilet.  Hand, meet handle. *Flush…*

Right now, I can barely do anything.  I need to work on copy.  I need to re-write and edit some things.  Earlier, yesterday evening, all I could do was make a few bullet points. *crosses eyes*  I don’t know if have the will to even open up Word right now!

Time for a Valium? If it will even work? *shakes head and closes eyes*

I have at least prepared my very long list of notes for our appt. tomorrow.  And you can be damn sure I’ll be pushing for one hell of a med titration!


  1. I hope Merlin #2 can help you. You’ve been suffering so much lately.

    And panic attacks really suck suck suck.

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  2. Hi katm. Thanks for responding to this. It really means a lot that you did. Seriously. I honestly don’t expect people to respond to these types of posts I am writing (again) or maybe even anything I write!

    I’ve been saying so much of this lately and also, for a lot of people, they just don’t know what to say! I think that’s completely understandable.

    Because, really, this entire situation is too much. I need some kind of medical intervention. It’s not going away. I’ve been desperately wanting to kill myself for over a month! I’m not exactly “feeling a little down.”

    I don’t know which I’m going to shoot for–the Lamictal or the Topamax. When I lost my job and simultaneously lost my mind, Merlin #1 and I did a rather “unorthodox” (i.e. fucking high!) titration of my Topamax by 100mg. I was fine. Just loopy for a couple of days. I’ve been on it for years, so it’s like Topamax is my bloodstream; not blood.

    Lamictal? Really good for Bipolar Depression but let’s all flip out re: SJS and “THE RASH” thus needing a slow titration. I’m like, screw that. If we go Lamictal, just load me up. I’m as messed up now as I was then.

    Both are fine for how I want to propose this from the neuro angle as well. At this point, I don’t care. Go ahead and titrate everything I’m on! Well, not the Concerta! That wouldn’t calm me down so much. Although, if I was so spinny, I may not have time to think about killing myself! *rolls eyes*

    Thanks again, hon. And yeah, I’ll bet Panic Attacks really suck suck suck. When I was feeling pretty close, it was scary.

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  3. Ahhhh.. . Topamax. Such a wonderful drug for making you feel like an idiot. I took it to help with the borderline stuff that was going on at that point. Yeah. It helped. But damn was I quite possibly the dumbest person on earth while taking it.

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  4. Ohhh… I should add, MY BED IS MADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, with sheets and a comforter and pillows and everything. Mostly because the bloody repair man for my a/c is supposed to come today. It’s now 5 pm and I’ve yet to see him. I’m pissed too. I wanted to go to the arboretum and take pictures. Instead I’ve been waiting around all day for him to stop the rain machine, AKA, my a/c.

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  5. Hi katm. Topamax and stupidity. I’m pretty stupid right now but no surprise after yesterday’s appt. Post coming up next, but slowly…I can barely type.

    Pretty much all of the Anticonvulsants make you stupid. It seems part of the deal. Granted, is it something that will diminish over time, or still linger like other meds within their own classes?

    OMFG, I’m thinking! Well, it’s med geek stuff so is that excluded from “Med-Overhaul-Complete-Loopiness?”

    I’m serious, though. Look at what we’ve got for at least some things that don’t seem to go away for certain meds:

    – Antidepressants: blunting of moods, loss of sex drive
    – Anticonvulsants: make you stupid and clumsy
    – (Atypical) Antipsychotics: weight gain, TD (Tardive Dyskinesia)

    I would say for me, some of the above for the ACs have remained. Not as bad as when I first started the drug, of course, but yes. Some residual. I love my Topomax, though. And my Lamictal. Plus, I need to be on ACs or I’ll die. Bipolar and epilepsy, right?

    That’s awesome to hear about your bed!!! W00t! I checked “The One And Only Nutcase Bed Poll” the other day, and it was up to 90 votes. Not too shabby!

    That is a pain, though. Waiting for repair people. We had plumbing issues where I live, and it wasn’t so much the first plumber (you starting to get part of the picture) but our idiot landlord that really held up the process.

    A/C is kind of important too. I’m not where you are–hot, hot, hot and humid, humid, humid! Still, our summer here has been pretty brutal. Not like the last couple of years back. And the three flats here? We have Central A/C. Sorries for pointing that out while you’re suffering! Bad PA!

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  6. You are so lucky you don’t have panic attacks, but do you think that taking valium when you just feel like it is a good idea?

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  7. Hi Daniel Murphy. Nice to meet you and welcome to my blog. I don’t think I’ve seen you here before, so thank you for coming by to comment.

    Yes, I have heard from so many others that Panic Attacks are just awful. Going through them is so brutal.

    My Valium is prescribed for anxiety prn bid. Basically, that is twice daily as needed. So, in the past when things were relatively alright, I wasn’t taking it at all. As things became less stable over time, I needed to take it somewhat regularly. Now, definitely on a daily basis as I have de-stabilized so much.

    I did go through a period when I “fought” against taking my Valium. I kept telling myself, “I can fend off this anxiety! I don’t need my Valium!” That was the stupidest thing I ever.

    My Valium is precisely prescribed to help me with Anxiety! I was getting myself more worked up by not taking it! I was being a total idiot.

    Also, I don’t have any problems with dependency. Before my insomnia became completely unmanageable and benzos were no longer strong enough, I would take them only when needed, as well. On for a few months when needed, then off for a few months, then back on for another couple etc…

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