I woke up extremely nervous with my stomach in knots.  In noting the time, I had to wait about eight hours before I started my travel to “The Big Bang.”  Then, it would take me about 1.5 hours of travel until “The Big Bang” commenced. I had taken all of my morning meds, and was about to drink my first tea.  Did I need to add a Valium to my first swig of Earl Grey? I have never needed a Valium first thing in the morning!

Plus, I’ve been shat on in the most unimaginable way within the last 48 hours.  If 100 geese flying south for winter simultaneously dropped their loads on me, it would have been miniscule in comparison.  Maybe if I can focus on “The “Big Bang,” it will take that issue off my mind for a couple of hours.

What’s “The Big Bang?” Tonight, I have to go (well, I don’t have to go, but it would be proper) to the reception held by the organization that awarded me my scholarship.  I have not attended any type of “function” since I was last working.  And even then, I was either organizing them or attending them with colleagues–not total strangers!!!

I’m not sure what to expect, but I have at least learned a little.  I know that guests of the recipients do attend.  I am attending alone.  Charming.  I emailed someone about this, and said I would look like: “A real loser of a winner!” Why did I say that?

They take photos of people and put them on their website.  I’m trying to imagine what my photo will look like.  Since I will be alone, probably a real loser standing by myself, while everyone else has family members and friends at their side.  Maybe they’ll toss in a person from the organization, to look like I have someone who supports me. *rolls eyes*

Also, what will I look like in it? I suspect I will displaying my Aspie-Flat-As-A-Pancake-Face.  That seems to be showing up more and more these days, whereas I used to smile quite a bit for photographs.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s because I’m not too happy at the moment.  Give me something to smile about, and I’ll smile for the camera.

Not that I’m unhappy about receiving this award.  Au contraire! I am incredibly, thrilled and honoured! I may not be able to smile for the camera, as well, because obviously I’ll be freaking out so much.  I don’t know if I have the energy right now to pull off an evening of faux schmoozing, too.  Let’s not forget how unpleasant and exhausting it is for Aspies to do social, right?

I fear I may be meeting even more challenging terrain.  After organizing enough functions, I know what “head count” means.  At the very least, food.  They need to know how much to order.  Food then, can mean one of two things: appetizer, finger-like snacks, or a full, sit-down meal.  I went to their website to see if I could figure out a bit more.  I found something that I had to read several times.  Don’t you just love that feeling? Seeing words that almost paralyze you, or that your eyes can’t believe, so you need to “reassure” yourself by going over and over them.

I saw the word “tables.”  OMG! We will be sitting at tables?! I can’t just hide away in a corner at the back of the room or something? Oh, dear.

The only thing that isn’t flipping me out is what to wear! Last year’s photos show a lot of people wearing casual clothes.  PA always prefers to be overdressed, rather than underdressed.  After the drastic weight loss of late, I don’t know if any of my skirts still fit.  If not, a nice top and pants? Whatever.

I’ll skip the Valium for now.  No, I won’t.  Although, I know I’ll definitely need another one prior to “The Big Bang!” Oh, dear again.


  1. May

    Good luck!


  2. Hi May. Thanks! It was okay. Post coming up all about it.


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