Wow.  I’m in such a state of utter shock I can barely type this.

The thought came to me last night, but it wasn’t until I could read this post that I was sure I was on the right track.  Now, having read it, let’s add barely able to breath, along with such shock.  I do not know if you will read it, but I am tempted to cut and paste the entire thing here, even if it makes this post the longest one I have ever written on my blog. *ponders for extremely long time*

I’m still not sure how to go about writing this.  That post was written almost three months ago to this day.

To “begin” with, it reads almost exactly how my day began today.  I was so depressed, I woke up early (typical) took my meds and went back to bed, not wanting to leave it for the entire day.  I actually slept for a few hours.  I cannot sleep once I am up, unless I am very ill with an infection or something pretty serious!

It further goes on to discuss choices in life, how much control do we really have, feeling “trapped” and such.  I used the word “trapped” in that post.  What are some things that I have been writing about lately?  In a recent post entitled “Cornered” I wrote the word, “trapped!”

Next, I entertained options of suicide.  How long have I been desperately suicidal now? I wasn’t as bad off then, as I was (and still am?) However, that is a moot point.

Last night, I was also thinking about how I see the world–and things in general you might say.  I’ve never been so good at “The Big Picture.”  My brain just doesn’t work that way.  It never has.  I focus in on the details.  I thought, no matter how much I would want to see shades of gray at times, I’d have something as black and white as a newspaper article reflected back to me.  In that post I wrote, “black and white!”

I don’t know if it makes sense, but in focusing so much on the details, and trying to see more, I’m just looking for “The Big Picture” within details.  Sometimes, my “Big Picture” gets so out of control (and so BIG!) my thinking becomes extremely warped.  I leap too far ahead into waters unknown, I can panic and everything just becomes a big, ugly mess! Beyond how my brain already works, perhaps I find “the details” safer.  Or maybe just some of them? I do not know.

This is the clincher.  It’s what led me to the post entirely.  I made a “wish” if you will, to have my world completely destroyed.  It’s a bit more understandable if you read the post.  Based upon that “wish” I wanted to be able to survive anything life could ever throw at me again.  I seem to have forgotten this.  I’m not seeing “The Big Picture.”  Life is wreaking more havoc and creating more destruction.  No, it actually is.  You don’t know as a lot of the things are too personal for my blog.  So, I haven’t noticed all the havoc and destruction, as I’ve been focusing too much on the details, right?

Now, should this actually happen and I get my “wish fulfilled” dare I wish for more? That’s a tough one.  Another “dichotomy” as a word within that post.  I used to make a lot of wishes in the past.  Then I stopped because I realized that wishes never came true.  But what if this one does? And what if wishes in my past did come true? I just wasn’t looking at “The Big Picture.”  Too busy with those finer details!

Who knows? Maybe I will start making wishes again.


  1. s. dweller

    You and I, let us go down together.


  2. Hi s. dweller. Good to see you.

    Okay, sure. It’s a deal. However, we do have the outstanding issue of RENT (no people we are not behind on the cost of our living arrangements–we do not even live together!) On that note, I just got a great idea for the “finale.” Me shoving a sword through my skull. What do you think?

    Screw DIY Trepanning.

    Also, speaking of just waking up for today, I found a comment in my spam queue. It was for a London Escort Company. I still have the idea of becoming an Escort in the mind, regarding not finding employment for so long–London or elsewhere.

    Wow, that could really destroy my world if I wanted my “wish fulfilled.” Maybe I should give it more serious consideration.


  3. s. dweller

    I considered prostitution for a number of years, and still think I’d make a damn good pro switch/domme, but then there’s the whole I don’t like most people thing, which’d render that career choice an impractical one. You seem to have better people skills than me, however.

    Impulsively I’d hitchhike my way to your city, so we could live our RENT fantasy, but then I’d be in the same situation as before. Why does this exquisite fantasy of ours have to involve such great distance between its two would-be participants?


  4. Hi s. dweller. Well, I suppose I could pull off the “people skills” but the thought of sleeping with…ugh. Wow, get those thoughts out of my mind!

    Maybe I could do it if I went off all my meds and then subsequently, totally over the edge. Then I wouldn’t care who the hell I slept with! *laughing* I mean, Bipolar does have that side to it, right? Even still…

    Although, I don’t think I’d last a week off my meds! With my head? Well, maybe a bit longer than a week, but I’d be dead before I finished crafting my ad for the newspaper.

    I know. Poor old RENT! Just sitting there. Wasting away in abandoned warehouse, desperately waiting to be rescued! An online RENT probably wouldn’t work, either. Technology is good but I don’t think so.


  5. s. dweller

    “Maybe I could do it if I went off all my meds and then subsequently, totally over the edge. Then I wouldn’t care who the hell I slept with! *laughing* I mean, Bipolar does have that side to it, right? Even still…”

    Right there, you just succinctly phrased everything I’ve been dealing with recently, in the 2 months since i went off meds.

    I think technology may be getting close, in terms of virtual RENT-ness. I’m thinking Caprica underground clubs. That would be way cool. We’d slip on our hologlasses, and there we’d be, in our abandoned warehouse, living the fantasy life.


  6. Hi s. dweller. Off meds, huh? I hope I didn’t succinctly phrase everything that well! How are you feeling?

    I know side effects can really suck, but a lot of the 20+ meds I’ve been on were also given to me when I was misdiagnosed. As you know, and many others as well, I can’t take ADs with my flavour or Bipolar. Also, there is the problem with the meds not working.

    Yes to the Caprica glasses! I was also thinking I could try and film myself when I was going through all my phases of insanity like you wanted to, but I may be too out of it to accomplish the task!


  7. s. dweller

    Yeah, off the meds. This pretty much sums it up. It’s possible at some point it’ll get so very bad, horrible, no good, terrible again that I’ll feel the need to go back on meds, but I hope not for a while. I was just as weird, bad with small talk, alone, out of work on meds as I was off them.

    Your situation is more complex, however, for which I do not envy you, and continue to salute your spirit in the face of things. I do wish we lived closer, but I think we’d have some darn good RL convos.


  8. Hi s. dweller. Thanks for the link. I have been so pathetic with reading anyone, but I think I did catch you on Twitter a while back saying that something was going on with your meds.

    Also, thanks for “saluting my spirit.” Oh, god. That kind of makes me think, if anyone wants to salute me, hang on until I get to the top of the flagpole with the flag tied around me neck as some kind of noose!

    One thing I do want to ask is that you’re only mentioning Tegretol/Carbamazepine. Have they not tried any other Anticonvulsants, or the only true, mood stabilizer Lithium? If so, that not only sounds completely odd but medically irresponsible.

    Also, sometimes an AC, if it shows promise, may need an Antidepressant or another AC as an adjunct. Topomax is a good example, as it hits the temporal lobe mainly, so most people might need something else to cover the rest (if it works at all–that meaning, your temporal lobe not being so much your neurochemical circus.)

    But when people get on Topamax and it works, it’s a match made in heaven! They love it! I Love It!!! I was also a bit of neurological weirdo (any surprise?) as I was on it monotherapy for at least five years.

    Also, not an issue for me, but one significant side effect is it may promote weight lost and not gain. Another reason why people love it but mental health should trump vanity? However, we know that isn’t always the case! *laughing*

    EDIT: I thought I’d better add this as I had basically just woken up when I wrote it. I didn’t want the above to seem like a barb to you or anyone else. I too have fallen into the vanity vs. mental health trap. I tossed my Zyprexa/Olanzapine out the window after gaining a significant amount of weight and losing all of of my wardrobe.

    It was only when I started the Topamax that I was quite small and it dropped even more weight off me. Now, I’m so ridiculously small, I yearn for a med that would make me gain weight! My Seroquel/Quetiapine hasn’t done it so maybe I should swap it out for the damn Zyprexa!

    And if we were closer, yes, we would have some awesome conversations. And some silly ones if you’d put up with me being a total dork at times times.


  9. s. dweller

    I would totally put up with you being a total dork. I am quite one myself.

    Long time ago, was on Depakote, with various antipsychotics. Didn’t do much, life was still very unstable, mood swings all out of whack. Off drugs for a while except for ativan when I could find it for mixed episodes. Then November, got put on Tegretol. I thought it was an awesome drug, but had a major wake up call when I realized it’d been 6 months, I couldn’t move, think, had gained a lot of weigh, getting sicker & sicker, on this medication supposedly making me calm, but my life was still shit. So why deal with the side effects?

    I’d put up with 2 months of really bad side effects to try a Wellbutrin adjunct a second time, and Wellbutrin went very badly, almost immediately put me into tailspin, even at minimal doses. Back early spring, the clinic for broke people psychiatrist I saw, I told him Wellbutrin wasn’t gonna work, but it was made clar he could only see me a short time, and there wasn’t time to try other meds.

    Then I was left with these medications that are doing very bad thing sto me, unable to get psych care because of being broke and out of work, and decided if I ever do decide to go on meds again, I need to have access to competent psychiatric care, and have a doctor.

    I will gladly give you the weight that the Tegretol made me gain, but then we’d get into creepy Shakespeare territory.


  10. Hi s. dweller. Thank you for accepting my dorkiness. That is only one side of many, however…ah, you read my damn blog! If you think it’s alright, then somehow you must think I’m okay too, then! *laughing*

    Depakote/Divalproex Sodium can work well for the mania side of things. It’s good that they gave you that and not Depakene/Valproic Acid!

    A lot of people get the “Depa’s” confused. The former consists of both the Sodium and the Acid, and thus, can handle Bipolar, epilepsy and work as migraine prophylaxis. That latter can only take on epilepsy.

    Well, there are no black and whites: “only?” You can read monographs or perhaps other sites that say it can do the same as Depakote, but nuh-uh. Not in Dr. PAs opinion. Or at least not as well as the Depakene!

    That is a true bummer about the Tegretol. Sort of a mini-med poop out, or maybe not so mini, as it was six months. Disappointing and almost heartbreaking, really. I’m wondering if Wellbutrin/Bupropion made you go nuts so quickly, whether you may be in my camp. You may not be able to tolerate ADs. Have you ever tried any other ADs before?

    The Atypicals can do very good things if you’re flipping out all over and benzos won’t cut it. At least that’s what I’ve found for me. You mentioned being sort of hither and yon about Ativan/Lorazepam. Not sure how that went.

    I was in such a mode once, my benzos weren’t doing a thing! That’s when I was put on Zyprexa temporarily (although Dr. Asshole kept pushing it permanently back then–no thanks–screw you!)

    I made a new name for the class of the Atypicals. “SYADs.” That would be: “Sit Your Ass Downs!” Boy, Zyprexa sure did that. But the never ending hunger and weight gain. The former was the worst.

    All the Antipsychotics? Both new and old? They all have the same efficacy, and the newer that were supposed to have less side effects, not necessarily true. I met one girl who was on Chlorpromazine/Thorazine, that makes everyone think you become a total whacko who can barely walk (hence “The Thorazine Shuffle.”) She was bright as can be!

    Anyway, APs can be helpful but not as first line treatment. I totally disagree there. ACs or Lithium.

    I’m with you that competence is good in a doctor with all of this, but so is your health. I hope you can get a job soon to handle the financial aspect. Well, I hope you can get a job for more reasons than that, of course! And funny about the weight. I joke about that all the time, but I know it’s just not possible.

    Whoa. Long med geeky comment. I’m not awake yet. Brain moving in one line. Need tea.


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