Everyone’s so desperate to drive away painful memories.  Get them out of our minds and hearts almost as fast as they become past “tense” (or past paralytic.)  I read a passage in a book the other night roughly saying, despite such strong desires to escape our ghosts, it’s futile.  We need to have all our memories (and not just the pleasant ones) to build our futures.

Huh.  What if you’re a baby? Well, I don’t want to get into arguments when developing life reaches cogent awareness to form memories.  Maybe until then, you’ve got (messed up) Mommies and Daddies to build your futures for you.  That’s your reprieve until you become a (messed up) kid or adult on your own.

Did I ever become a messed up adult, tonight.  More like a Raving, Screaming, Fucking Cunt From Hell.  Gotta love it when that happens.  Which I really don’t think does so often for me.  Maybe I should put up a poll on my blog.

Christ, did I pull a good one, though.  After I got over the panic, I ran to my First-Aid Kit and grabbed a tiny band-aid you’d wrap around your finger.  I then attempted to apply pressure to the wound of the person I just eviscerated.  There’s still blood dripping all over my keyboard.  I’m still panicking but now also in shock.  Like I need to be hauled away in the ambulance, just like the accident victims after giving my witness account.

But now, I can only hope my victim doesn’t end up in the morgue, and I end up serving a life sentence for “Raving, Screaming, Fucking Cunt From Hell Homicide.”  Or having Karmic Retribution where someone emotionally eviscerates me in the same manner.  Either way, I’ll take whatever punishment is given.

Why did I do this? I obviously know this person so there are “memories.”  I don’t think any of my life’s memories made this happen.  If this person does actually live through their surgery requiring about 500 blood transfusions and possibly a few organ transplants, will we still have a “future?”

Because now, quite painfully, this will be another “memory” needed to keep building a future.  Charming.

So, this is a question I have to ask.  If we need our memories to build our futures, what do we do with our memories when we build them in the present?


  1. Huh?

    Okay. I am quite certain I did not understand the paragraphs leading to the question at the end. And now that I think about it, I am almost certain too, that I am failing at grasping the meaning of the question. Unfortunately for me, I do not believe it is a failure of communication due to a blurry language barrier. I think my IQ just doesn’t cut it. Oh, well. I was never that brilliant, anyway.

    In any case, I will attempt to answer given the limitations I have just pointed out.

    What do you do with your memories when you build them in the present.

    Uh…well, if you are building them *in the present* then, they are not memories, they are your present life. They are still not memories because they are happening as we speak…no?

    If you meant, building memories *into the present* then, it might mean that you need to remember them, you need to revisit them so you can evaluate your behaviour and that of others and choose what to pursue and reinforce and what to discard. That way, you -or so goes the theory- will not stumble on the same stone again. Sorta.

    Please forgive me if my answer is too…pedestrian. Like I said, my IQ might not be up to par.


  2. Hi Maria. First, I commend you for responding to these “obscure” posts of mine. Most people don’t. I fear either I don’t tie in things well (as you said) or in trying to sound so (pitifully) intellectual, things do get lost and people are left scratching their heads saying huge WTFs???

    You don’t need forgiveness. Your answer is great! Like I said, with posts like these, I’m the one that often needs forgiveness because people read them and say what in the hell is she talking about or trying to say?!


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