Is He Dead Because I’m Crazy?
When P. and I get together we spend a lot of time talking about hospitalizations–especially ours. That’s how we met. That was #6 for me. We both agree that it’s very difficult to maintain friendships when you’re discharged.
I met another man during Hospitalization #7. R. He was the only good thing that came out of my four day stay. It was barbaric. Completely traumatic. You can read about it under my Hospitalizations Category.
It’s miracle that R. was still alive after what happened. He was nearly crushed by a bus, left confined to a wheelchair (although he could walk a few steps with assistance and great effort.) He lost his hearing, became almost completely blind, and had numerous seizures on a continual basis. Despite all of this, he was an extremely, intelligent man with an awesome sense of humour.
Hospitalization #7 was last summer. R. and I would speak on the phone via operator-assisted calls since he was deaf. He still had enough vision to read what the operator would type, but we had to take things slowly. He had learned to speak again after his hearing loss, but with so much therapy.
We communicated via pen and paper while in hospital. I wrote that I rather liked it, being an Aspie and going non-verbal at times. He retorted that being deaf did have its advantages. I asked him why on his notepad. He wrote back that so often, what people say is just a bunch of bullshit!
I actually visited him last summer. I can’t remember, but I believe we spoke last fall and then lost contact.
I’ve been thinking of him. A lot. For a long time now. Considering his condition…was he…
Because you see, I’m crazy. Simply to begin, I live in ADD Hell where so many things get lost. I couldn’t find the letters he wrote me. I couldn’t even remember where he lived. I wasn’t even 100% sure of his last name. It was French and started with a “B” but was it this…or was it that…
One of the most beautiful creatures I have met in my entire life could be dead. And because I’m so crazy with all of my diagnoses and head crap, I can’t even remember their last goddamn name! Even when their life depends on it???
I spent a significant (extremely) amount of time searching everywhere for any shred of paper with his handwriting on it. I was panicking so much I don’t even think I knew how much I was panicking. Then, I had to bring myself to read what I had found. Here is a letter he wrote me. I am going to leave his errors due to his brain injuries, however, I will add paragraph spacing and lower case etc… This will lengthen the post considerably.
I met tremdous woman on June 11/09 she brings such joy to my heart she is such a great person to be around she has such great qualities that bring the best out in me she loving caring understanding and such a giving person
We have many things in common we are around each other alot I taught her this card game we play it alot
We sit outside have smokes and talk and share with each many things I didn’t think was possible PA you make me feel so at ease with you I didn’t think was possible we both have gone through similar hardship where it has caused trauma for both of us
It is hard for me to normally approach a woman but with you it was this gentleness and your beauty that made me feel at peace you know the old saying where have you been all my life I think that saying is very true but when it happens thats what makes its very special and very pure that nothing can corrupt it
Already I miss you and I know you are having good time and I know you feel the same thats why it will always be special when we are together I have such peace and joy when I?am around you.
Different people have different views on joy. But for me joy is, an inner thing where it bubbles over and comes to the surface, where other people may see that and are trying to understand it but they can’t, why because they don’t have it, so they don’t know what joy is.
I look forward to spending as much time together, whether sitting talking playing cards going to the beaches, movie coming over to my place watch T.V. or movies on my T.V. even though your not here, in spirit you are and that is what counts
It is a very rare thing when two people care about each other, but when they do they must take advantage of it if they do not they may never find it again and may lead to regret and sadness. You boost my confidence and self esteem PA and it is my hope, that I do the same for you.
I can hardly wait for us to get out of hospital although I won’t rush it. Maybe meeting each other hear will help speed up our recovery in getting out of here. You are a very special person and a wonderful lady I want you to always remember that and don’t let any one tell you different.
I know we both have been treated bad and I don’t believe for one minute that we would dilberately do any thing to hurt each other because that is not part off our make up too our personalities it just isn’t if we did we would be lying to each other and that just isn’t who we are
You are the first woman I have written in decades. That is how you touched my heart I hold you within my heart, I want to say a special word to you that I deeply care about you please forgive me starting to stutter, and stammer I love you PA but thats how I feel.
I believe god pus in each other path for a reason don’t worry not religious freak but do believe in him. May god always grant you the desires of your heart
That is why we must make the most of this oppurnity I feel that you feel the same way I know deep down that we would not deliberaletly hurt each other I just want a chance to be kind and gentle with you and to continue
I care deeply about you PA you have such a pure and gentle heart I want to be with you as much as I can. Please don’t feel presurred because I don’t want to do that. It just how my heart feels and I can’t change how I feel.
Our time here is short on earth
I found him. He’s still living where he was last year. I have his direct line for operator-assisted calling.
I’ve learned my lesson. I’m going to try as hard as I can to not lose touch when other such beautiful creatures come into my life. *wipes tears from eyes*