It’s Not Always Just an ADD Day

I said that yesterday.  It was a real “ADD Day.”  I could just as easily say the same today.  No.

Most times I have no idea how my day will be for a few hours after I wake up.  In fact, I generally feel quite fine as soon as I am vertical.  I’m still rather slow, I definitely need my caffeine, and I do putter around a lot.  You might think that affords me a certain “luxury” in being able to lounge about to see what greets me.  That is not true.  After those few hours, I may not feel as fine as when I first woke up.  Therefore, it really isn’t always a luxury so much.

At best, I need a routine.  And a very strict one at that.  I will need to wake up at the same time every day.  I will need my Concerta/Extended Release Methylphenidate to kick in as it should.  I will need at least some caffeine.  Then, my routine must be so strict, it will involve me doing something constructive on a regular basis every day.  Like leaving the house and doing something with a purpose.  Like having a job?

At worst, I have no routine period.  My mind is left to its own devices.  It may become so bad, that those devices break down, need repairs, or fall apart altogether.  I cannot create a regular routine for myself no matter how hard I try.

My mind has been preoccupied with several things.  Not just what I have already written about.  I wasn’t even going to write about this.  However, I realized, what’s the point? It may even become future blog fodder, should it come to fruition.

I am quickly becoming closer and closer to our Stoopid Guvmunt’s funding for people who are “Disabled.”  It will radically change my life.  I have more information (a little more) than what little I had before.  What I already knew is that it can barely sustain people who are single.  I cannot bear to even do the research.

Another thing I “know” is that people have had to face bad times much worse than me.  That makes me feel a whole lot worse, than how bad I feel right now! Why should I be complaining so much?

Last night was another “Cry Myself to (Sorta) Sleep Night.”  My sleep meds weren’t working, so a Valium/Diazepam needed to be tossed into me after an hour and a half? I don’t remember.  A few more tears came and then finally, sleep.

Other things, too, are on my mind.  More “wait and see’s.”  More fears surround them.  I need to be patient, I do.  I know that, as well.  No one can ever know the future.  Still, time becomes so warped when you lay in wait for its outcome.  I keep looking at the calendar as each day passes, trying to remind myself of that fact.  Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn’t.

  1. licoriceroot

    Dear PA,

    You are not alone. I spent hours this morning applying for disability on the computer. It’s something I never wanted to have to do, and never imagined, but with my physical illness, I am missing so much work from being sick and in the hospital that I know I won’t have the small job I have for long.
    I was so depressed when my doctor told me that working at *that* job was like standing in a fire for me, I look at myself and just want to die. I never thought it would be me. I had a great education, worked hard, did everything right. Then I got sick. Now, it’s up to some government dick to decide my future. Just once, I’d like to decide my own. Good luck PA. Let us know how it turns out.


  2. Hi licoriceroot. Good to see you. Been a bit. Well, true to post, here I am awake, feeling fine, will probably take a nosedive later.

    Wow. Thank you for your comment. It sounds a lot of how I feel right now. Pretty damn useless, pathetic…you get it, I’m sure.

    People keep telling me that this can/could only be temporary as well. Until I find a job? I don’t know. I mean, I certainly would like to think so! Maybe you too? Find at least something else?

    I’m just so confused and overwhelmed. JDP should probably be able to help or give me some advice, I suppose. They work with people on the funding all the time. I would guess they know how it works.

    But I should know. I’m good at this stuff. I can fucking research bullshit like this or anything else in life.

    But I can’t though. I’m “stuck.” I just can’t “do” anything. I was moving along fine before, even a week or two before and this was still a looming reality.

    There’s too much going on and I can’t “un-stuck” myself.”

    Thanks hon, and I hope you’re managing okay with all of this, too. Or at least as okay as you can.


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