Disseminating the Real
I’ve been out in the rain and have just come home. My jeans are clinging, damp; tight against my legs. This may be the first “feeling” of any said “reality” I’ve had in a while. Even better that it is tactile; appealing to my senses.
I am not changing my clothes. I want to feel the coldness of the rain against me for as long as I can. I may go outside to soak myself in that rain more if it hasn’t stopped.
I said today would be a New Day. A (Bit of a) New Me. I don’t think I will ever be “New” but some changes need to be made. Absolutely.
I’m trying to figure out how I have arrived where I am right now. I’m not sure how important that is. What is most important, is getting myself out of a very, terrible fix. You see, I have become extremely unstable. Did I get tossed into a rather nasty, Bipolar Cycling whirlwind? This would not surprise me at all, by several actions of late. I have so clearly not been acting as my “regular” self.
I have begun to engage in somewhat “ritualized” cutting. Or at least “regular” cutting. Yes, yes…let’s be honest and bring it out of the closet. What on earth? What am I doing??? I have done two cuttings in less than a week! I have NEVER done that!!!
The suicidal thoughts have come back, too. Although, the other night, I sat amongst them and tossed the one of many arguments across the table. No, to kill myself would hurt some people I would leave behind.
Have I done some kind of bizarre and twisted, mental-out-of-your-mind, bait and switch? Nonetheless, this all has to stop. I can’t keep going on like this.
I’m going back out in the rain now, to try and feel more “real.”