I’ve been out in the rain and have just come home.  My jeans are clinging, damp; tight against my legs.  This may be the first “feeling” of any said “reality” I’ve had in a while.  Even better that it is tactile; appealing to my senses.

I am not changing my clothes.  I want to feel the coldness of the rain against me for as long as I can.  I may go outside to soak myself in that rain more if it hasn’t stopped.

I said today would be a New Day.  A (Bit of a) New Me.  I don’t think I will ever be “New” but some changes need to be made.  Absolutely.

I’m trying to figure out how I have arrived where I am right now.  I’m not sure how important that is.  What is most important, is getting myself out of a very, terrible fix.  You see, I have become extremely unstable.  Did I get tossed into a rather nasty, Bipolar Cycling whirlwind? This would not surprise me at all, by several actions of late.  I have so clearly not been acting as my “regular” self.

I have begun to engage in somewhat “ritualized” cutting.  Or at least “regular” cutting.  Yes, yes…let’s be honest and bring it out of the closet.  What on earth? What am I doing??? I have done two cuttings in less than a week! I have NEVER done that!!!

The suicidal thoughts have come back, too.  Although, the other night, I sat amongst them and tossed the one of many arguments across the table.  No, to kill myself would hurt some people I would leave behind.

Have I done some kind of bizarre and twisted, mental-out-of-your-mind, bait and switch? Nonetheless, this all has to stop.  I can’t keep going on like this.

I’m going back out in the rain now, to try and feel more “real.”


  1. May

    Rain is awesome. Hoping you’re feeling better… (hugs)


  2. Hi May. Yes, rain is definitely awesome. Ah, feeling a bit better than when I wrote this. Yes.

    Hugs back.


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