Yesterday was exhausting.  Does learning lessons make you exhausted? I suspect so, under extremely, emotional circumstances.

I woke up early to go to the Food Bank (for the second time.)  I wanted to try and get there as soon as they opened, as last time I arrived about half way through, and was one of the last people to get taken.  I did make it, but still ended up #13.  Last time I was #85.  They also said that Thursdays were less busy then Tuesdays as they had less food.  I guess I’ll have to try to get there before they open and line up.

The first time, I was the most frightened hen in a house as soon as the fox marched in.  I guess the fox lined up early and was #1 for our Hen House Food Bank.  I didn’t speak to anyone unless absolutely necessary except this one woman.  She was really nice and so worried as I had Wonder Cane with me.  I’d had a seizure the day before.  She wasn’t just worried about me getting my food up the stairs, but also my health.  We talked about epilepsy, the rest of my “head stuff” and she told me her husband had epilepsy, as well.  She also looked like she was a prime candidate for a Food Bank.

This time, I felt a tad more at ease, but only a tad! She was there, so I talked to her again–but only after waiting for a significant period.  I was still feeling rather a “tad” like that frightened hen.  I found out her husband was actually the man who would run upstairs and grab all of our food boxes.

So, the three of us talked together.  We went deeper into our personal details, our life situations, all sorts of things.  This couple was so honest.  They didn’t hold back about how crappy their lives were (and they kinda were.)  I didn’t hear much of his story as he kept scooting away for the food, but she told me how she had been physically abused as a kid, was hauled out of school at such a young age she was illiterate and couldn’t read a damn thing.  However, she was working with a community group to learn.

They spoke so freely.  They didn’t complain.  They accepted things as they were.  They even seemed, maybe…content? I don’t know.

A lot of people there in the same boat as me, sit around bitching and getting frustrated.  I don’t.  The wait doesn’t bother me.  If anything, I only try and relax.  I’m still not exactly thrilled about having to go to a Food Bank.  Although, something happened yesterday.  Something completely unexpected.

I cried a little on the way up.  I don’t really care if people see me cry in public.  I just felt so low about it all.  I cried on the way home, too.  The tears going home were somewhat different, though.  After talking to that couple, it had such an impact on me.  It felt like I had made friends with them.  I even made a joke to the woman about being late again and missing the “good stuff” on the produce table.  They had eggs and I told her my dietician wanted me to eat an egg a day.  She dashed back upstairs and then came back.  She apologized and told me that there were no more eggs.  Her kindness and generosity made me almost fall on the floor at that point.

So, when I shed those tears, it made me feel like I had become more “humanized” by making that second trip.  It was a feeling that, well, I don’t know what to say about it.  I think it justifiably goes beyond description.

There’s another thought or feeling that I’ve had lately.  How can I describe it?

It’s not as if I no longer care about future outcomes.  Of course I do! However, I think I have been pushing to hard for them, or at least some? It’s like I’ve started attacking the Universe with such a vengeance and/or violence, that in a way, I may perceive it somehow deserves it? Yet, I’m not someone who sits around and says: “Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I’m such a good person…” Or have I been saying this on some level and just not been aware of it.

Regardless, it feels like I’ve been running around lately, wreaking havoc everywhere I go.  I fear I have been doing a great deal of harm as a result.  In fact, I know I have in some areas.

I think it’s time to let the “Universe” have its way with me.  For a little while? Again, that doesn’t mean I don’t care.  I won’t be taking my hands off the steering wheel.  I’m just going to try and loosen my grip a little.

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  1. Hi Original Commenter. I had to alter the first post and rewrite this again, so your comment was deleted. I’m sorry about that.

    You’re welcome to come back and comment another time, but I wasn’t really sure what to say to you. Your comment wasn’t really relevant to the post’s content. It was about some band and finding a song.

    So, again, I’m not really sure what to say about that, but you’re welcome to hang around and read my blog.

    Take care,
    PA

    Like




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