The Closest Death
R.’s dad dying last Saturday had more of an effect on me than I thought it would. I’m not surprised at the fact that it would have a serious effect on me, but I didn’t know how or what that would be.
Perhaps, “more” isn’t a suitable word. Because everything I felt, feel–they can’t be “measured.” The only “more” I can toss in, is that it affected me to a greater degree than my own Nana’s death! My mother’s mom. That shouldn’t be surprising with my screwed up family. But with her, I didn’t shed a single tear. I felt nothing, really. Just sheer insanity from sorting out all the details. Here? Different story.
To start? Massive flip out when I heard. Bawling all over. Then I seemed to settle after a couple of days. Today? A veritable onslaught of “The Strange?”
And to add, I’m not going to the Funeral tomorrow. Not for lack of want, it’s just time, logistics, their plans.
It took me approximately 1.5 to 2 hours to get there. The service is going to be extremely brief! Then, they are leaving the city for a reception. No one knows who has a car that can fit me in, who else may have a car that will show up. Plus, the only people I am there to see are family. If any friends attend the Funeral, I don’t need to pay my “condolences” to them!
Today. Anxious, so a Valium/Diazepam before I left. No Gravol/Dimenhydrinate, as I needed to be coherent (I am still post-“ick”tal©.) Speaking of that, walking in with Wonder Cane’s brother, I didn’t even want to whisper the words: “epilepsy” or “seizure!” They all know I have epilepsy (or at least the immediate family) but good grief! The man had a brain tumour and was seizing like crazy!
I saw R., but he was busy talking with some others, so I immediately moved on to his mom. Immediate stab to PA. She is a very strong woman but she looked so weary, and like she’d aged years since I saw her last summer! Almost teary, but in stoic way due to that strength. However, a bit shaky. It felt like she was somehow going to break at any second. Dear, god!
Quick shift to chat with cousins from out of province, their mom. They were all happy to see me as it’s been years. They were okay.
Downstairs with R. for some coffee/tea and a bit of time alone. We talked and shared some stories. I got a bit teary. I asked him about the poem I wrote for him and his family. He said he really liked it but had only showed his sister and not his mom. Well, from the above, no kidding? He didn’t mention his brother.
Then R.’s brother who still lives here. He was completely fine! I’ve often wondered if he’s an Aspie like me. Not like that’s relevant to his father dying and how he’d feel about it! He knows all about mental me and my rainbow of diagnoses. We’ve talked about them. I know he understood why I was walking around with a cane!
R. He’s upset. No matter how hard he tries to hide it, I can tell! I’ve known him for years now. Even if he’s spent so many of them overseas and we hardly ever see each other, I still know him.
On the way home, what did I feel? What did I feel? Initially, I was depressed as hell. This was the closest person to me that has died (so far.) However, not because of him being who he was to me. It was because of them. I was a part of their family.
Then I felt cold. I was dressed fine. No. I felt COLD. Like I was DEAD. I can’t explain it. I wasn’t numb. I could think. I wasn’t dissociating or anything. No PTSD stuff going on. But…this physical manifestation of being cold like you are dead. That’s all I can say about it!
Extreme exhaustion was pervasive throughout my entire trip back, but then it began to envelop me like a blanket made of lead. I couldn’t wait to get home to my dear Gravol! Also, some Advil/Ibuprophen for my pounding head if it would make a dent (in my already dented head.)
Now, I don’t know. Confusion. I feel lost (but not because I’ve lost something.) At least I don’t think? Some sadness. Fear and worry about the family–well, the mother for sure. R. said she’s going to have to sell the house.
But one thing I “know” and not “feel?” I’ve got to get my bloody affairs, papers and directives in order. I’ve been putting that off for way too long!
NOTE: This post was in no way written under the mind altering effects of Gravol. I have been completely clear in my thinking with only one exception. That would be: I am somewhat confused about my emotions and what I feel. However, this state of mind is irrelevant, as it is absolutely consistent with my cognition.