It’s been approximately three weeks that are sorely lacking suitable adjectives.  I’m too exhausted to reach for my Thesaurus.  Let’s say: “Insane” “Unbelievable” “Helter Skelter” “Frustrating” “Confusing” “Terrifying” “Depressing.” Fair enough? Then, take them, magnify them all to such a degree until they’re so blurry, you can’t even recognize them anymore.

When I last left off, we managed to get J. into another facility.  He will be there for 30 days, so it’s only a longer, short term solution.  However, it’s better than a shelter.  We (his sister and I) hope he stays there! J. has extreme denial issues (just one of the reasons he ended up in this disaster!) Also, as I mentioned before, once he is in any kind of place where things seem remotely settled, he thinks everything is fine.  More denial.  He’s lived on “quick fixes” all his life.  I think I know why, but no point in elucidating here.

The next day.  The move.  Get all of his stuff either into the trash or storage.  Definitely no words to describe this!

Now, I knew J. was a pack rat.  I’d see piles of “stuff” and even though broken, still useful.  A lot of electronic components but he used them to fix things.  He’s even fixed things for me.  Okay, trash that! There was also a storage locker in the basement, so tackle that.  Even though J. had moved to that other facility, we hoped they’d let him come and help us.  His sister and I wanted to preserve at least some of his dignity, as all of this was his! So, he came.  Great.

Not great.  Why not great?

Just off the side of the living room, there was a closet.  I had never gone in there.  No reason.  His sister opened it and we barely avoided a hoarder’s avalanche.  It took us about 2-3 hours of pulling stuff out, trying to decide what was total garbage, what things were absolute keepers, and what things we needed J. to look at and make a final ruling.  We obviously had to cancel the movers.  Get them to come back the next day.  We were still going on and on into the night.  J. left at 1800hrs.

The next day? The movers screwed us over in costs because movers always do? Or most? J.’s sister lost it and had a total meltdown! J. chose a storage unit that was WAY too small.  Had to fix that! She’s paying for everything and she is NOT flush.  She wouldn’t take just a bit of money from me.  I felt like total crap for her and could barely hold back tears.  I just kept hugging her and giving her tissues!

She and I talked for a while last night.  I probably wouldn’t have made this decision without her.  We’re cut of the same cloth.  We put everyone first, our own needs don’t matter, all of that.  We both agreed that we need to step back from J.  It’s taken us too far.  Further than we thought, I think.

As soon as she gets back to Paris, she’s seeing her Psychiatrist immediately and going back on her meds! Clearly, that indicates what all of this has done to her! Her state of mind?

I still can’t sleep very well because of all of this.  I feel nauseous and like I want to throw up every day.  The tremor I somehow developed, plus the hives as well, haven’t gone away.  My cognitive functioning is blown to bits.  Just two hours after I woke up, I already needed a Valium (I haven’t taken one…yet?) Here comes the mental crash I wanted to avoid.  Oops? I think I was already crashing right through everything, but didn’t even notice.  One day I thought I had seized and was post-“ick”tal© but I wasn’t.

I’ll always do anything for the people I love and care about.  However, with J., (and only J.) at this juncture, I can’t have daily or regular contact with him.  And he will contact me daily.

His sister and I are already at the brink and barely hanging on.  This is a very hard decision for me to make, but J. is going to make me really sick right now.  More than I already am? In fact, just thinking about this decision is making me cry and wanting to throw up.  Like his sister needing to go back on meds, this may be clearly indicative of my state of mind, as well?

Time for that Valium, now.  And more Benadryl for the hives.  Maybe some Gravol later if tummy won’t settle, too.  And please no NCSE.  The myoclonic activity in my legs and maybe one arm has increased, as well.  Significant sign/symptom of the diagnostic criteria.

  1. May

    Sounds miserable. Hoping for the best and sending you love.


  2. Hi May. Thanks for your hopes and love. There’s another adjective, too. Miserable?

    I won’t say that the entire thing has been negative all the way around. Just most of it? *rolls eyes*

    I sent an email last night to J.’s sister as she’s flying out today. Actually, she’s sitting on the plane right now!

    I told her that one of the hardest parts to it all was for us to say goodbye to each other. Even though the circumstances were so awful, within the week she was here. she may have become more of a big sister than the one I already have! She definitely became a good friend!

    I also told her we should try to remember the laughs that we did have. She has a very warped and twisted sense of humour, just like me. Also, I have a standing invitation with accommodation to Paris! I just have to let her know when I coming! *shakes head and sighs*


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