Archive for November, 2010

I haven’t really been blogging so much about the cast of characters here in hospital.  I did mention My Own Pet Depressed Somnambulist (who thankfully is no longer walking around and busting into my room at all hours anymore.)  I also wrote about the living hell with “Instigator immature girlhere and here.  How about some other interesting folks?

Well, our most recent arrival is AWESOME! She’s gay and from Devon! I know.  You’re now probably questioning the entire relevance of her being “gay and from Devon!” Even if you are a very long time reader, this may still fly completely over your heads.

The gay part? This goes back to hospitalization #6 where I met my friend P. (who is also gay.)  While he and I were there, there was also another gay man and a woman! It increased the gay population on our floor to a whopping 25%!!! Here, she and I only lift it to 10%.  Not so great but, hey.  You do the best you can.

Devon? Oh, dear.  This goes WAY back on my blog.  Wee PA having a huge “thing” for women with English accents! Oh, how my British, female readers would take the piss (okay I would too.)  However, I have since “broadened” my “thing” to women with “other” accents from around the world. *laughing*  Actually, I don’t think I was all that exclusive to begin with! *smirks*

Regardless, she is hilarious, quicker than lightening with wordplay, so now obviously a definite friend.  The two of us stumble around and look like a walking (stumbling?) Monty Python sketch a lot.

Also on the humour front is another girl I started calling, “Chica!” I say it really fast and almost like we’re both covert spies.  I don’t know why I started doing that.  Either way, we both have similar senses of humour.  If you think about it, we’d have to if I began addressing her that way.

We’ve had a couple of people here chugging down Methadone! I’ve never seen that during one of my stays! One younger girl was but has now been discharged.  However, another woman who’s guzzling it down her throat is still here.  She looks about 70-years-old! I’m serious! She is old! It just makes me think…someone that old taking Methadone? What the fuck???

There’s a lovely Orthodox Jewish woman who has Kosher meals brought in.  They have these nice ribbons on them.  She’s given me several and I have them hanging around my room.  So sweet.  She’s also given me some of her Kosher meal desserts! Definitely “sweet!” She’s having some ECT.

Another recent arrival is having ECT, as well.  Things proved a bit exciting regarding that last night and this morning.  I have very strong feelings about ECT.  Granted, I would never discuss them with a patient having ECT done! That would scare the shit out of them, and perhaps fry their brains more than the treatment itself!

Anyway, I am assuming it was to do with the ECT, or it may have been symptomatic of something else.  Whatever.  The end result was the same: WELCOME TO HER DELUSIONAL HEAD SPACE!

I was a nurse that was going “up north” to work.  Another patient became “me.”  That is, the woman thought the other person was wee PA.  The woman got VERY upset and yelled at another patient she was “an enabler!” I was also told later to, “Watch out for the sponge.  Don’t slip.”  Of course there was nothing on the floor.

We were in lockdown for a while this morning so she couldn’t run away.  From presumably what may have been chasing her.  Or, what she wanted to chase? They managed to get her settled somehow and she became lucid to a relative degree after lunch.

Then we have the typical rabble-rouser.  And surprisingly it’s not me (or at least this one’s just bigger than me.)  She let’s it fly no matter what.  Always shooting her mouth off.  Not anything bad, though.  Just the type of person who doesn’t give a shit and blah…blah…blah…  They’re always great.  A must have on a Psych Ward, for sure.

Save the worst for last? Not a personal worst.  An everyone worst!!! This woman…

Fine.  She is a wreck physically.  Needs a walker, leg supports, arm supports, cane, the whole deal.  Also, internally.  Chrohn’s so special diet and this and that…oh, Diabetes.  Mentally? I heard another detox situation.  She is so high maintenance.  Always whining and complaining.  Maybe even a hypochondriac, too?

She is not only driving all of us nuts but I think the nurses, to boot! She wants help with EVERYTHING!!! Even personal things that we, as patients, should not be doing!

I’ve heard her nurses say over and over again, she should be coming to them, not us.  Nope.  I can see the exasperation on their faces! I wonder how they decide who gets to take her on each shift.  Draw the short stick?

Christ, she was even bugging me for the most ridiculous crap as I’m hobbling along, dizzy, exhausted, wanting to barf, all post-“ick”tal© with Wonder Cane! I’ve managed to show her my version of an exasperated face (which is hard to do as I like to help and please everyone!) She backed off a bit.

So, I guess that’s all.  Or good enough? And don’t forget nutty ol’ me. *grins*

I’m finally back online a bit.  I’ve been trying to figure out just why the hell I’m so tired today and gee PA, have a look at the last post you wrote.  Then, think about the last several days that have passed.

Things got worse, folks.  A lot.  It got to the point where that immature girl became enough of an instigator that I was actually singled out due to being an Aspie.  Plus, in trying to “do the right thing” (because I have ethics and principles and other good stuff like that) I ended up facing my accuser/s.  Which naturally would only result in one thing.  A massive Asperger’s meltdown.

It wasn’t the worst I’ve ever had mind you.  No, no.  I didn’t end up in a fetal position on my bed for hours…  I’ll just stop there because it was bad enough.  Bawling my eyes out, pacing back and forth in my room, perseverating all sorts of crap (mostly negative things about myself) stimming like crazy.

A nurse came in and said it was lunch.  I started mumbling like a 4-year-old about not wanting lunch.  I was perseverating that, too.  Then I tossed in more perseveration about meeting with the Social Worker.

It’s all over now, thankfully.  Except the recovery period, I guess.  “Instigator immature girl” ended up discharging herself in (of course) the most immature and demonstrative way, yesterday.

In a word? Relief.  In several words? It’s like she was never here at all.  Tres bizarre.  No one is treating me any differently than the first day when I waltzed right through the door.

I won’t use a dumb cliche about spoiled fruit, but it really is amazing the power that one person can have over others.  A real cascade effect.  I can’t tell if it was a house of cards that fell on me, if I was the last domino, or a building was set for demolition and I couldn’t get out of the basement in time.  It sure felt like the latter.

What I can say with absolute certainty, is that I did get to enjoy my PTSD coming out to play with me for a while.  Oh, yes.  I was a kid growing up with Asperger’s, getting bullied all over again.  Such sweet memories.  How long has it been since I’ve cried so much? Probably all those years ago when it happened.  I was crying for days here.  Non-stop.

So, yep.  That’s why I’m tired.  That’s why I feel like I just can’t wake up today.  That’s why I can’t get motivated to go home and do stuff.  Maybe tomorrow? I think I’m so tired I’m having problems getting motivated to go lay down.

I thought I was a few days ago, but no.  Which is good.  And pretty realistic as I’ve never been paranoid in my entire life.  It’s the Asperger’s.

It was made explicitly clear this morning as I was making a mad dash home for an appt.  I made a horrendous social cue/whatever gaffe and OMG.  It was like the Aspie Heavens parted, and whatever was hiding in there, fell right square down upon my stupid, Aspie head! Holy, guacamole (that actually IS baby poo!)

I guess it just took me a little while to figure out as I have gone full on and completely into Aspie Mode.  Oh, yeah.  I’m destroying all communication everywhere I go (both with people in hospital and people I know outside of hospital.)  I’m stumbling all over and walking like Quasimodo’s cousin but I was actually born with three feet.  Anything else? Suffice it to say, I am SPAZ O.o SPAZ O.o SPAZ O.o  Then take that and multiply it by Pi (just to start.)

What happened this morning? Well, I won’t even blame it on me only having my meds gulped down for approximately five minutes.  I won’t even blame it on me not having any tea period.  I can only blame it on the SPAZ O.o SPAZ O.o SPAZ O.o multiplacation factor above.

I had an “incident” with this (not so young) girl (I refuse to call her a woman although her age would qualify her to fit.)  She’s nice enough but really, well, immature, flighty and…okay, I’ll say it.  Pretty stupid!

For example, she was trying to explain DBT to someone who is new and she called it “Diabolical Therapy.”  Which it could be depending upon your perspective.   Anyway, she said something and I asked for clarification. *head desk* (multiplied by Pi just to start.)

I have never, ever, never, ever, never, ever asked ANYONE for clarification of what they’ve said, despite how much of an Aspie I may be! I just let it slide!

Bad.Move.  Bad.Bad.Bad.Move.

She really got her back up.  She ran back to her room and someone even asked if she was upset! *PA wanted to die even though she apologized profusely had she offended said girl*  No, she had just forgotten something as a bunch of them were going outside.

Now I understand.  They don’t understand.  They have absolutely no clue what Asperger’s is.  What it means.  I suspect they all think of me as a total freak.  Which is kind of strange considering we’re all on a Psych Ward.  However, everything is strange on a Psych Ward.  Not even “kind of.”

At least all of the staff understands I’m a total Aspie.  Thank Zeus for that! If not, I would have discharged myself long ago!

Knowing this explains a lot! It’s made me see why things have been even more difficult for me here in hospital! I was wondering just last night, why were things proving SO much worse? Yes, I’m facing a lot but these issues aren’t exactly shocking or surprising.  They were already in my head and highly probable, anyway!

Now I’m sitting at home, having some tea before heading back to hospital, and writing this.  Tea, glorious tea! Drinking it and mulling all of this over in my head.

Current thoughts? The irony that I am on a floor with only women who deal with trauma and/or PTSD (along with their other diagnoses.)  And there I am, right in the middle of it, reliving growing up as an Aspie kid.  Getting triggered and remembering all of that crap everywhere I go! Unbelievable!

I guess I won’t hold it all inside as I really, really am tempted to do–as I always do? I guess I’ll tell my shrink there and some of the nurses. *sighs*

Let’s just keep it simple, shall we? This blog has been up for four years as of today.  Wow.  I have no clue how that happened.  Seriously, I don’t.

Thank you to all readers, new and old.  Thank you to everyone who once was a reader (although you’ll never read this, I suppose.)

However, most of all thank you to everyone for putting up with me! So, let’s see if we can make it five more years of you putting up with me.  What do you think? I have clue about that one, either.


I haven’t been online much lately.  Alright, yesterday I tossed a song up for MP3 of the Moment.  I also responded to a couple of DMs on Twitter.  I felt “responsible” somewhat in that area.  Because being responsible never goes away as far as I’m concerned! Oh, no! Despite it being VERY much to my detriment.  So, in terms of certain DM’ing, I should perhaps learn to be a little less responsible? *ponders*

Nonetheless, I am back to make a post.  A real one with actual words.  Well, the other one had words.  Just a song title and its accompanying artist/s.  This one? What can I say?

What can I say? I guess I’ll just say whatever I can say.  Which is pretty screwed up as far as I’m concerned.  Yet more uncharted territory in terms of a hospitalization for me! And I’m not fuckin’ liking it!

During Hospitalization #6 (this is Hospitalization #8) I developed agoraphobia for the first time in my life.  It was the oddest feeling.  It took me several days to be able to walk far enough from the property to make the streets simply visual enough to be navigable.  It took another day or two to actually navigate them.  Also, with someone else with me.

Here? Now? Something’s happening.

Is it “just” all the stress that I am under? There has been “new” stress, as well.

Remember my friend J.? You know, the one who put his sister and I through absolute hell roughly six weeks ago? Yeah, that guy.  The one who was in total denial about being homeless until he actually was.  Then I had to pull out all the stops to get him any and all supports (much to his continuing denial.)

Then his sister flew over from Paris and gave me a hand.  Although, things just got worse, so really, was there a point to her borrowing the money she didn’t have for the flight? Not to mention, throwing herself further into debt by paying for moving all his shit, tossing it into storage and covering that for months?

Well, guess who came back? Although, he never went away.  He “somehow” got kicked out of his temporary housing location dealing with concurrent disorders.  I see.  I received a text on my mobile saying he wanted to be admitted where I was.  How convenient! Meet you downstairs! *rolls eyes*

Guess who went into denial about wanting to be admitted (AGAIN!) Guess who is still badgering me every day since (FINALLY!) being admitted? I am ignoring him.  He’s not getting the hint.

Does anyone else out there know someone similar? If you do, I’m sure you can relate to how irritating, upsetting and UNHEALTHY this can be when you are dealing with issues of your own!!!

I think any other “stressors” that may be lingering in my life at the moment are alright? I suspect so?

Moving on to the direct content: AM I FUCKING PARANOID???

I’m not joking.  Either that or I have entered some unbelievable Aspie existence that is barely comprehensible.  Even to me.

My normal “Hospitalization Pattern” is to go inpatient, become a hermit for a few days and then be a total arse.  I’m fine, cracking jokes, all is right with the insane world.  And I was like that.  Until a couple of days ago.

I’m still being friendly(?)  I’m still being upbeat(?)  I’m still engaging everyone else in conversation(?)  But the feedback I’m getting (or my perception of it?) is not good.

Examples of Fucked Up Paranoid Feelings:

  • I’m no longer part of the “In Crowd” where I was before (everyone making jokes and having fun like I do and did)
  • Individuals I got along with before are no longer talking to me
  • I was complaining about something that was pissing me off a lot and the person said: “Are you still upset about that?”
  • I made a comment about liking something that most people wouldn’t like to eat.  When I walked away, immediate laughter erupted all around
  • No room is being made for me at the tables where people are sitting during meals when they made room before

I guess that’s it.  I think? There are other things but they’re irrelevant because they are clearly out of bounds as far as Aspie territory goes, anyway (like not being asked to go out with others.)  Right.  I’d really have a tantrum if I couldn’t go out for a walk with a group of people.

I went out for a walk alone today, actually, as I thought I was going to…I don’t know…I have no clue.  I took a Valium, something for my pounding head and just got out as fast as I could! I was gone for almost two hours.  Where I am is an interesting area, so I explored some places I hadn’t been to in a while.  I also picked up a couple of special, little things…

I don’t understand this.  What’s going on? Right now, I’m just not talking to anyone.

“Wrong” by Depeche Mode

Well, no.  I won’t take back everything I’ve said about being in hospital.  However, I will take back a few things.

There’s lots of stuff that I’ve been meaning to write; to keep you up to date and that.  I’ve gotten derailed somewhat, though.  The longest “derailment” happened today.  That’s why I want to take back a few of the nasty things I said about being here in this hospital.

Where I’m staying is basically the biggest, best, hot shot, mental “institution” in…well, could we go so far as the country? Certainly the entire province! Still, its size and presence is rather “ominous.”  So, I’d say pretty significant “big, best and hot shot” ratings for the country. *nods*

My derailment today? I only got out of my bed unless absolutely necessary.  I couldn’t believe it when I made the joke.  I’ve made this joke to Occupational Therapists before.

The only portion of the “biggest, best, hot shot” and the only floor of sooo many (they have two locations.)  I was in Aspie/AD(H)D HEAVEN!!!


OMFG.  Now do you understand why wee, Aspie, ADD PA didn’t want to get out of bed all day??? Plus, toss in some more post-“ick”tal© Gravol/Dimenhydrinate and Valium/Diazepam?

This afternoon, I almost fell asleep! When do I fall asleep during the day??? I had to put on some relaxing music to wake up! *laughing*

Speaking of sleeping, I just had to say goodbye to my new, little best friend.  I can’t sleep with him. *makes sad face*  They’re afraid someone might get smothered and die.

So, I gave him a goodbye hug at the Nursing Station.  I told him I loved him and that I’d see him tomorrow.  I thought I’d better do it a couple of hours before bedtime, because drawing it out longer would have made it all the more painful!

After trying the real thing instead of DIY versions all my life, I MUST get one of these! I absolutely have to get one!

Here, they have several different weights.  I started with 14lbs. but that was a bit much for wee PA! I dropped down to the 12lb. one and it seemed alright.

I have no idea how much they are, but they say you can never put a price on your health? Or something like that? I wrote down the name of the company but I’m sure you could Google loads of them out there.

I’m still pooped.  Right now, out of it again on post-“ick”tal© protocol Gravol and Valium.  Total Space Cadet.  Also, people are starting to get sick in here like wildfire! I’m actually feeling a bit of a sore throat, I think, too.  Eep! Hand Sanitizer everywhere I go!

So, I’m going to lay down again.  Without my new best friend.  Oh, well.  He’ll be waiting for me tomorrow when I get up.

Well, I can’t really interrupt my stay too much.  I’m still here.   Also, since what I am about to tell you has in fact transpired while I’m still in hospital…oh, whatever!

Excuse the fact that I am not making much sense but there is good (but not so good) reason.  However, some good (or possible good) has come about by the fact that I’m not making much sense.  Comprendé?

The thing is, I’m post-“ick”tal© (again.)  That would account for the inherent incoherence.  I’m completely out of my mind for just one reason alone, that being some Gravol/Dimenhydrinate taken…some time ago.  However, that one reason alone is not the only thing that is putting an incredibly goofy smile on Dr. PAs face right now.

Considering she’s walking around with Wonder Cane, she’s actually Dr. PA/House.  She’s been impersonating him all day as well.  Much to her chagrin.  Apparently, she’s not doing such a good job or a lot of people don’t watch House.

More importantly, she has been doing a much better job as House in his specialty of, acerbic sarcastic wit (despite what Cuddy as her boss, not girlfriend, told others what to think) diagnostician.  She may have found a pattern for what may be lowering her seizure threshold, tickling her brain in a very undignified manner (is there such a thing as “dignified tickling?”) as far as her NCSE.  Despite still following all of those Medical Dramas while eating coma patients’ food, she’s still taking decent notes.

The NCSE events may be in alignment with her cycle.  Things may be happening when she gets her period and when she ovulates.  It’s just been too hard to tell, because the post-“ick”tal© problems have been what’s so difficult to monitor and keep track of.

“Increase her Clobazam/Frisium by n mg.  Well, don’t just stand there looking at my Yahtzee game if you think that dose is too low.  Or maybe you’d prefer Scrabble if you’re REALLY competitive and want to pick alternate medication while she just remains in a continual post-“ick”tal© state.  Now go!”

*swings cane across table knocking everyone’s mugs off except her own*

Seriously, though? Clobazam is widely used for catamenial seizures.  The dates aren’t perfect but neither are hormones.  Nothing is exact.  Nonetheless, a few days off here and there, yet a pattern demonstrated repeatedly does justify further examination.  Plus, I’m already on Clobazam! At a VERY low dose, too.  Let’s crank up the volume, Non-Arsey Neuro?

I’m not shooting for the stars.  No.  But if this is something, it’s huge.  The titration of my Lamictal/Lamotrigine shut down a lot of other seizure activity.  Now, it only seems to be the NCSE that is so hard for me to deal with.  Which would make a hell of a lot of sense if the above is true.  Think about it! I’m seizing roughly every two weeks?

I swear to fucking god.  One more reason to get out of this place!!!

I’ve been here three nights now.  There’s this one girl.  She’s Korean.  Which makes absolutely no difference.  Why am I mentioning that.  Probably because I’m pretty much a somnambulist due to this tale.

Fer each uh’ mah three nights, she’s come a’ walkin’ raight throo mah door, raight as I’m snoozin’ away!!! It’s some a’ yer darn, tootin’ best fun, y’all!!! Okay, clearly I’ve lost it.

Even still, it’s true! Right in the middle of the night! I finally talked to her today (I mean seriously, actual words.)  She apologized and I asked her if she was seeing a Neurologist.  I felt that would be a really good idea.  Just my two cents.  A stab in the dark? *groan*

Oh, dear god.  Keep your mouth shut and just sleep! Well, perhaps I shouldn’t fault her if she’s walking around all night, bumping her noggin and doing who knows what else.  She sounded like the biggest junkie (still high) on the planet (also talking with a mouth full of marbles.)

At least last night I was heavily into REM sleep and happily dreaming away when she came in.  I think it actually was a happy dream.  If I’m remembering what it was, and it wasn’t something I was just thinking about before going to sleep.  Which could have been the same thing as that’s how you can kind of “induce” a dream.

Yes.  It was a good thing I was in REM sleep last night.  Also, maybe I’m getting used to it.  I just sat up and said: “<Name>, you’re sleepwalking again.”  She started apologizing and walked out of my room.

It sure was better than the night before when I was NOT in REM sleep! I woke up to see her sort of standing there and started screaming, “AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!”

No, I did.  I felt like I was the star in some really bad slasher flick. *laughing*  She turned around and slowly waltzed out.  I took a couple of moments to compose myself and then stormed my way to the nursing station.

I wonder what’s going to happen tonight.  Last night, she was looking oddly like she was about to sit on my bed.  She was sort of reaching out toward the end of it.

Oh, shit.  Please DO NOT let it get to the point where she starts thinking it’s her own bed!

Sorry! Occupied!

NOTE: I started writing this yesterday but I got sidetracked.  I was hogging the computer room too much, but I was also too busy trying to figure out if I was post-“ick”tal© or not.  Then I kept getting interrupted by annoying things like nurses and food.

Then (but this one’s actually really important!) I finally got in touch with someone where technology has been kicking our arses to the moon and back! It’s like our mobile phones had become Faberge Potatoes.  Shammadamma. *grins and laughs*

So, continuing from yesterday’s events…

I finally had caffeinated tea today.  You all should know I love my tea.  In fact, I am probably more addicted to it than any other “naughty” things I may consume (tobacco, alcohol…I’m not including sex, sorry.)  Tea does have healing and medicinal properties.  However, I won’t go so far as to say it will cure a person of all ills when they go inpatient.

Unless, perhaps, that person is me.  Which I don’t think you really want to be.  Because: I am incredibly stupid, completely insane or both! I’m not sure how I’m even doing in post-“ick”tal© land but I’m not walking with Wonder Cane around the Ward so much, anymore! I think I might be feeling a bit sick as lunch was pretty unpalatable.  Blech.

And so.  Here we are.

I just went through this massive computer file/survey with my shift nurse.  I’d done the exact same during Hospitalization #6, as this is part of the same facility (just a different location.)  It takes F.O.R.E.V.E.R.  But that was okay.  Because we were having a hell of a time laughing our faces off at questions such as these: “Has wee PA ever sexually assaulted someone?” *laughing so hard again*

I know what you may be thinking.  I’m cycling.  I’m now flying high, surfing some Bipolar, euphoric (hypo)manic wave.  No.  Well, I sure as hell hope not!

Seriously, though.  I think I’m just seeing the light (as awkward, embarrassing, stupid etc…) as it is making me feel.  It’s not like my caffeinated tea (that I hadn’t had in days) has magically solved all my problems.  If I felt like that, then you’d KNOW I was way out in Bipolar Land.  Even though I never get delusional!

I think I’ve made a boo boo.  A big one.  I’ve been wrestling with the whole issue of “Why am I here?” ever since I was admitted.  I even talked more and more about it with my nurse during the form as we were working on it.  I now think I know.  That is, I now think I know, what I didn’t know.

I shouldn’t be here.  At least not for the reasons on the face of it.  I know this.  I “knew” this.  I always have.

NOTE: Added next day…

I’ve drafted up some things to discuss with Shrinky Dink tomorrow.  Hell, my nurse has already been harassing me about continuing with the “program” here, and we’ve just finished breakfast! Granted, she was the one I was having laughs with regarding how on earth I would have the ability to sexually assault someone! I’ll review it all with her.  She doesn’t know.

However, she is now questioning my privileges to even go outside on my own to have a cigarette! Shrinky Dink didn’t write it down “specifically!” I can only go outside with friends, family and staff (and yet staff don’t take people outside.)  Well, why the fuck would you write it if it doesn’t happen???


I’m gonna get my incredibly stupid, completely insane or both, ass out of here.  Get what I need from them, junk what I don’t and skedaddle.