I haven’t been online much lately.  Alright, yesterday I tossed a song up for MP3 of the Moment.  I also responded to a couple of DMs on Twitter.  I felt “responsible” somewhat in that area.  Because being responsible never goes away as far as I’m concerned! Oh, no! Despite it being VERY much to my detriment.  So, in terms of certain DM’ing, I should perhaps learn to be a little less responsible? *ponders*

Nonetheless, I am back to make a post.  A real one with actual words.  Well, the other one had words.  Just a song title and its accompanying artist/s.  This one? What can I say?

What can I say? I guess I’ll just say whatever I can say.  Which is pretty screwed up as far as I’m concerned.  Yet more uncharted territory in terms of a hospitalization for me! And I’m not fuckin’ liking it!

During Hospitalization #6 (this is Hospitalization #8) I developed agoraphobia for the first time in my life.  It was the oddest feeling.  It took me several days to be able to walk far enough from the property to make the streets simply visual enough to be navigable.  It took another day or two to actually navigate them.  Also, with someone else with me.

Here? Now? Something’s happening.

Is it “just” all the stress that I am under? There has been “new” stress, as well.

Remember my friend J.? You know, the one who put his sister and I through absolute hell roughly six weeks ago? Yeah, that guy.  The one who was in total denial about being homeless until he actually was.  Then I had to pull out all the stops to get him any and all supports (much to his continuing denial.)

Then his sister flew over from Paris and gave me a hand.  Although, things just got worse, so really, was there a point to her borrowing the money she didn’t have for the flight? Not to mention, throwing herself further into debt by paying for moving all his shit, tossing it into storage and covering that for months?

Well, guess who came back? Although, he never went away.  He “somehow” got kicked out of his temporary housing location dealing with concurrent disorders.  I see.  I received a text on my mobile saying he wanted to be admitted where I was.  How convenient! Meet you downstairs! *rolls eyes*

Guess who went into denial about wanting to be admitted (AGAIN!) Guess who is still badgering me every day since (FINALLY!) being admitted? I am ignoring him.  He’s not getting the hint.

Does anyone else out there know someone similar? If you do, I’m sure you can relate to how irritating, upsetting and UNHEALTHY this can be when you are dealing with issues of your own!!!

I think any other “stressors” that may be lingering in my life at the moment are alright? I suspect so?

Moving on to the direct content: AM I FUCKING PARANOID???

I’m not joking.  Either that or I have entered some unbelievable Aspie existence that is barely comprehensible.  Even to me.

My normal “Hospitalization Pattern” is to go inpatient, become a hermit for a few days and then be a total arse.  I’m fine, cracking jokes, all is right with the insane world.  And I was like that.  Until a couple of days ago.

I’m still being friendly(?)  I’m still being upbeat(?)  I’m still engaging everyone else in conversation(?)  But the feedback I’m getting (or my perception of it?) is not good.

Examples of Fucked Up Paranoid Feelings:

  • I’m no longer part of the “In Crowd” where I was before (everyone making jokes and having fun like I do and did)
  • Individuals I got along with before are no longer talking to me
  • I was complaining about something that was pissing me off a lot and the person said: “Are you still upset about that?”
  • I made a comment about liking something that most people wouldn’t like to eat.  When I walked away, immediate laughter erupted all around
  • No room is being made for me at the tables where people are sitting during meals when they made room before

I guess that’s it.  I think? There are other things but they’re irrelevant because they are clearly out of bounds as far as Aspie territory goes, anyway (like not being asked to go out with others.)  Right.  I’d really have a tantrum if I couldn’t go out for a walk with a group of people.

I went out for a walk alone today, actually, as I thought I was going to…I don’t know…I have no clue.  I took a Valium, something for my pounding head and just got out as fast as I could! I was gone for almost two hours.  Where I am is an interesting area, so I explored some places I hadn’t been to in a while.  I also picked up a couple of special, little things…

I don’t understand this.  What’s going on? Right now, I’m just not talking to anyone.

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  1. Cynthia

    You need to settle down for one thing. I have and still am Agoraphobia for over fifty years. My first attack was when I was just fourteen. I did go throught everything you did. It wasn’t until I was in my late thirties that I took charge of my problem. First off its all in you mind. One side is fighting the otherside. You have to just, as much as this sucks, go through with it. But write it down, keep a journal. After awhile maybe you see a pattern. See what is triggering the freak attack. Show this to your doctor. I am not on drugs for this anymore. I am handeling this myself. I know it start when I am in a very crowed place and I hear the ceiling cracking. My last attack was Easter Sunday last year in church. It was horrible, but I knew enough to go to a courner and wait for my husband to find me. This is my best help for you. But first you need to settle down. You are just asking for it to keep coming on. Good luck!

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  2. Hi Cynthia. Thank you very much for sharing your story here and letting me (and all my readers) know how you have dealt with your problems of Agoraphobia.

    Back when I did feel the feelings of Agoraphobia during Hospitalization #6, they were for the first time and not as severe as others that have it as a chronic problem. In fact, I may have only experienced it a few times later on, but only in minor forms. Again, nothing like people who have to deal with it almost every day of their lives.

    Also, do you mean “settling down” as trying to slowly work my way through the issues of Agoraphobia? The ones that hit when I was in hospital?

    That is exactly what I did. Perhaps not in the same way as you, as the time was so compressed. After all, I was hospitalized, and I also had the pressures of my inpatient psychiatrists trying to “force” me to deal with it when I wasn’t ready.

    They kept trying to send me outside and even send me home! The first time I went home for a simple day pass, I was so riled with it all, I forgot the keys to my flat! I explained to them I clearly wasn’t ready to travel properly if I couldn’t remember to bring my keys! They didn’t care at all! However, I did my best to stay calm and do things at my own pace to tackle the issue in the end.

    As far as this post and the feelings of “paranoia?” Well, a few things here, too. I was hospitalized again, but that may not matter so much. I was under a lot of stress, but I wasn’t so out of it that I couldn’t recognize an almost 180 degree change in certain peoples’ behaviour.

    I have Asperger’s, and can make some pretty, incredible, social gaffes and have issues with social cues. Despite that fact, I was spot on with being bullied–and about the gaffe/cue business, as well. I’ve been bullied all my life (so very much due to having Asperger’s) and still can find myself in such a place. Which was exactly the case here. Plus, it was irony at its worst!

    I wrote a couple of posts after this one that basically “confirmed” that I wasn’t “paranoid” at all. I had successfully read all of their social cues (verbal and not.) Further, I confirmed what was true by my own actions (things I never do as an Aspie!)

    I was being bullied! I was being singled out by certain women on the floor! The irony? It was a floor that consisted of women exclusively, that had all dealt with trauma. Some even had a diagnosis of PTSD, just like me. So really, by what was happening, I was getting to relive my own PTSD on a floor where that shouldn’t be happening.

    One more confirmation that I was right? I was SO lucky that the nurses and my inpatient psychiatrist at this hospital understood Asperger’s. They also understood what was going on. When the girl who started it discharged herself earlier one day, I told my night nurse. I don’t know who was happier, my night nurse or me!

    Anyway, thanks again for coming by to share.

    Take care,
    PA

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