I’m Not Paranoid!
I thought I was a few days ago, but no. Which is good. And pretty realistic as I’ve never been paranoid in my entire life. It’s the Asperger’s.
It was made explicitly clear this morning as I was making a mad dash home for an appt. I made a horrendous social cue/whatever gaffe and OMG. It was like the Aspie Heavens parted, and whatever was hiding in there, fell right square down upon my stupid, Aspie head! Holy, guacamole (that actually IS baby poo!)
I guess it just took me a little while to figure out as I have gone full on and completely into Aspie Mode. Oh, yeah. I’m destroying all communication everywhere I go (both with people in hospital and people I know outside of hospital.) I’m stumbling all over and walking like Quasimodo’s cousin but I was actually born with three feet. Anything else? Suffice it to say, I am SPAZ O.o SPAZ O.o SPAZ O.o Then take that and multiply it by Pi (just to start.)
What happened this morning? Well, I won’t even blame it on me only having my meds gulped down for approximately five minutes. I won’t even blame it on me not having any tea period. I can only blame it on the SPAZ O.o SPAZ O.o SPAZ O.o multiplacation factor above.
I had an “incident” with this (not so young) girl (I refuse to call her a woman although her age would qualify her to fit.) She’s nice enough but really, well, immature, flighty and…okay, I’ll say it. Pretty stupid!
For example, she was trying to explain DBT to someone who is new and she called it “Diabolical Therapy.” Which it could be depending upon your perspective. Anyway, she said something and I asked for clarification. *head desk* (multiplied by Pi just to start.)
I have never, ever, never, ever, never, ever asked ANYONE for clarification of what they’ve said, despite how much of an Aspie I may be! I just let it slide!
She really got her back up. She ran back to her room and someone even asked if she was upset! *PA wanted to die even though she apologized profusely had she offended said girl* No, she had just forgotten something as a bunch of them were going outside.
Now I understand. They don’t understand. They have absolutely no clue what Asperger’s is. What it means. I suspect they all think of me as a total freak. Which is kind of strange considering we’re all on a Psych Ward. However, everything is strange on a Psych Ward. Not even “kind of.”
At least all of the staff understands I’m a total Aspie. Thank Zeus for that! If not, I would have discharged myself long ago!
Knowing this explains a lot! It’s made me see why things have been even more difficult for me here in hospital! I was wondering just last night, why were things proving SO much worse? Yes, I’m facing a lot but these issues aren’t exactly shocking or surprising. They were already in my head and highly probable, anyway!
Now I’m sitting at home, having some tea before heading back to hospital, and writing this. Tea, glorious tea! Drinking it and mulling all of this over in my head.
Current thoughts? The irony that I am on a floor with only women who deal with trauma and/or PTSD (along with their other diagnoses.) And there I am, right in the middle of it, reliving growing up as an Aspie kid. Getting triggered and remembering all of that crap everywhere I go! Unbelievable!
I guess I won’t hold it all inside as I really, really am tempted to do–as I always do? I guess I’ll tell my shrink there and some of the nurses. *sighs*