An Electronic Vanishing Act, Like That’s Gonna Work.
I am so fucked up it’s gotten to the point of epic embarrassment. I’m serious. Hey, at least I’ll admit it? Christ, I admitted I was an alcoholic on Twitter last night! Points for that, too? Although, after so many years, self-restraint if I drink at all. Near Beer is a good thing if I feel like a taste.
I’m not afraid to be honest. Well, being honest does scare me at times but I’ll still do it. Lies don’t get you anywhere in the end.
Not that I’ve told a “lie” here. This is the truth and more of a confession, really. I don’t know if anyone has noticed, and no one has contacted me since, but it’s not like I’m such an epic figure online. However, I certainly did act like huge, fucked up, epic ass last night. So, if any of you did notice, this is why.
As far as that Tweet about me stating I’m an alcoholic (or anything else you’d like to read) they’re all gone except for anything dated prior to the end of October. That action lends itself to the above title. In my deletion madness, I even accidentally unfollowed a follower, then had to re-follow them! They may have noticed as they probably got an email to say I was following them (again.) You see? Fucked up epic embarrassment!
That’s not all I did, though! I decided to make my blog private! Everyone knows I NEVER do this unless there is a very serious reason for it. Such as, the safety of readers, to deal with trolls or other people trying to cause a ruckus, but not for me to pull some asinine shit like last night! There is no “reason” to keep people from reading my blog other than the above. There is no “sensitive” material on it as far as me!
No. The only thing I wanted to achieve last night, is that I wanted to vanish. Completely. From everyone. In the entire world. And I don’t mean killing myself. *shakes head* I’m not suicidal. However, I had to fight off doing a cutting with all of my strength last night. That was pretty rough.
So, this whole weekend pass deal hasn’t exactly turned out quite as nicely as I thought. What I had thought (or planned) to do were the obvious practical things. Tidying up, see what condition the place was in after not being around for so long. I also had some small and simple ideas of things to do that would hopefully make me happy. Things that I had continued before I left, or things that I wanted to start before I went to hospital. Nope.
Instead, I ended up sleep deprived because my schedule went completely off. Along with the crazy sleep, nightmares (one that I could interpret within about 45 seconds after having it.)
Two damn near panic attacks but fighting off taking my Valium because the nurses are starting to drill it into my head that I’m developing a dependency–plus I already get stubborn in that area as it is. I play the game: “I’m strong enough. I can get through this. I don’t need it.” That’s just a mindset from how I was raised. I keep doing it as stupid as it is, and then keep paying the consequences for being as stupid as I am. The anxiety gets too out of control and then I’m royally screwed.
Still, to have anxiety so high to reach a degree of such panicky levels! Further, I don’t know if it was two, or one massive, panicky freak out with a bit of a break in between. Also, beyond that, my moods were all over the map. Depressed, frustrated, feeling like I was just going to implode. Last night, I curled up on my bed and bawled for about an hour until 0200hrs. I was adamant about not going to sleep! I even had a couple of cigarettes inside my flat! Out.Of.My.Mind.
A bit of the Bipolar, perhaps? At least the Ultradian Cycling keeps it short, but bloody hell! Pretty bad go around this time? I haven’t cycled in ages if memory serves. Not since the summer, maybe?
This weekend pass. I kept thinking yesterday, ‘Things will be better tomorrow.’ But here it is “tomorrow” and I have to head straight back to hospital. And just for two days!
I was questioning all along the point of this weekend pass ever since it was suggested two weeks ago. I was questioning it even more so last week, as I’m being discharged on Tuesday. Then, should such a disaster have happened like this, I could have dealt with it in a better fashion. I’m quite sure things wouldn’t have gotten this far. I would have had suitable time to handle things properly and I wouldn’t have gone so over the top.
I don’t even want to be bothered to go back to hospital now that I’m here. No choice, with that. AWOL!!! The police would come and bust down my door. I’d be dragged out of here so fast I wouldn’t be able to attempt to say I’m fine.
Anyway, if any of you did notice, I’m fine. All things considered. Relatively. Kind of. You know. Yeah. Plus, I’m still completely embarrassed for being a total, epic fucktard. Which then resulted in me really going off my nut in the worst way possible in the online world to date.