This one’s been on the back burner for a while.  Just because it’s been slowly moving along.  Ah, my friend J.  He’s put me through absolute hell so many times since the spring of last year.  But I can’t chuck him out of my life.  I simply can’t.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not a total masochist (well…?) But seriously.  After so many incidents of sheer hell, I’ve had to cut him off completely.  He’s never really gotten it, though.  Not completely! He’ll stay away for a bit, but then come back in some form.  Then, I’ve had to very firmly remind him to bugger off! Strangely enough, in going through it all and doing that, I owe him some thanks for making me more assertive.  I have real problems with that.

However, all things being equal, I can sort of understand his incessant need to reach out.  He’s lonely with no one else to share his deep thoughts and feelings with, he’s frightened of being isolated and misunderstood, he does carry diagnoses that screw him up, and has a past history of trauma.  He’s also very impulsive and doesn’t think before he acts.  I can relate.  I understand.  As much as I don’t want to see these things in myself, they are there.  It makes it even worse, because for the first time ever in my life, I am on the receiving end of my own behaviour that has pissed people off in the same way! Thus, I am a real pain in the arse, as well!

However, all things being not-so-equal, J. is a Passive-aggressive, manipulative bastard! Whether he knows it or not, it’s true! I think he definitely knows it.  Why? Because after getting to know him over the last few years so well, he’s gotten to know me so well.  Too well.  He’s so much into my head, he can do this and it’s taken me ages to figure it out! Why? Because I’m naive and trusting and stupid!

But the “not-so-equal.”  I can’t relate, here.  I don’t see myself as a Passive-aggressive, manipulative bitch.  And please.  Oh, dear god.  If I am? Shoot me now!

I can’t ignore his positive qualities, though.  There are a lot of them.  Lord, if I was ever guilty of “splitting” it would be only seeing the “good” in people! I’ve been that way all my life.  When I “see” anything “bad” it has resulted in an almost, odd “pseudo-bad” as I’m entirely confused by the person’s behaviour.  When I “think” it’s “bad” it has to reach some kind of huge and epic proportion, in some way.  I don’t know if that makes any sense.  Basically, I have severe problems interpreting “bad.”

I also know if I needed him for anything, he’d come running! I understand that, as well.  I’m the same for people I care about.  Although, I know now there are only certain things he can handle.  He’s not so great with my mental/psych stuff anymore.  That’s fine.  Try and talk to others, but there really aren’t any left who “get it” because I’ve pissed them off with my above behaviour! I’ve mentioned this on my blog before.  Maybe that’s why I rant so much on this crazy space! *rolls eyes*

He asked me to do a small favour a little while ago.  Just write up a letter of recommendation to do volunteer work.  Sure, I could do that.  He’s off living in his own little world as he has been for a long time, but he’s still around.  Every time he contacts me, he’s actually not being arsey! That’s good.

I never toss anyone out of my life, even though it’s gotten me into awful situations.  I do believe everything is workable.  More naive, trusting and stupid thinking? So, that philosophy always adhered to, why should he be any exception? Unless for some reason that I can’t imagine happening.  A point when I’d be absolutely forced to do it someday?

Well, I am who I am? Be that naive, trusting and stupid? A complete pain in the arse for being just like him in certain ways? But also that person who will always believe all things are workable? Even if the hardest, and sometimes damn near impossible belief to hold onto, is that she is workable as well?

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  1. Butterflywings

    This is a really nice post. Don’t stop being ‘naive, trusting and stupid’.
    I feel guilty about being a pain in the arse to my friends, too. I’d do anything for them, though. I also never cut anyone out, and wouldn’t unless they did something truly heinous, like…I don’t even know what that would be.

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  2. Hi Butterflywings. Good to see you and thank you so much. Your comment really couldn’t have come at a better time! It’s also really reassuring that I don’t feel like a complete alien on another planet (at least in only this way!)

    It’s true, though. You are honestly the first person who has said they feel the same way. I’ve shared this “philosophy” I have of never burning bridges, always taking people back no matter…the whole lot. People just don’t get it. They think I’m just such a rube (well, I’m guessing.)

    As a matter of fact, I’m calling in a “return favour” from J. tomorrow. Like I said, if I needed anything, he’d come! This “favour” is right up his alley, though. Exactly something he can handle. And something I have trouble with!

    I’m very spatially challenged so I need to measure stuff for a potential new flat, then see if it will fit in said potential new flat (unless it’s too small at first glance.) Also, I’m still walking on my cane outside so good to have someone nearby so I don’t fall and get (another) brain injury? Lord.

    Still, you’ve got to hang onto any of those you care for, hey?

    Take care hon,
    PA

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  3. It’s tough when you’ve know them for so long.

    What do you let go and what to you make an issue out of?

    If he’s amenable to it, keep helping him unless the stress starts to derail your wellness. You have to take care of yourself before you can help others without falling apart yourself.

    Oh, you need to make the line at money. Don’t lend him money, you don’t have any to spare, and who knows what he’ll do with it.

    Wuv you Cheeky Wee OX

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  4. Hi SpaZinQuefty. This is a very lengthy story and it is on my blog. All of it? Well, mostly I think? It’s hard to remember since all of the trouble goes way back to over a half a year. In thinking back, some of it was so brutal, I don’t think all of it is on my blog.

    Basically, I had to stop helping him as his issues kept him from getting the help he needed. The help that I provided for him over and over again. It reached insane proportions due to his denial where his sister had to fly over from Paris, help me get him out of the worst fix of his life (this was in the fall) and he still refuses to seek the help he needs.

    All of this had still been an ongoing issue with me throughout the summer! Also, during the summer, our relationship actually got to the point of becoming abusive and toxic. I was faced with the decision of possibly ending our friendship then. However, after a VERY serious talk with him, we managed to patch things up.

    So, after all of these months, he is still refusing to get the help he needs. I have revoked Power of Attorney that I actually did have, I have told him I will no longer give him access to mental health system supports (because I kept doing it and he kept pissing them away.) In fact, I won’t help him period!

    Here’s one thing he did (or two if you count them separately.) When I was in hospital in November/December, he showed up TWICE to get me to help him with being admitted. Of course he never took proper advantage of that help and blamed “the system.” Now what kind of “friend” pulls this crap TWICE, when I’m in hospital trying to get well myself? That’s just one thing he’s done.

    Money? I don’t have any to lend him! He’s living in a shelter now because of his own arsiness! If he wasn’t so far in denial and would actually GET help, he’d be in a much better situation! Now do you see why I have to keep him at a far distance?

    Wuv back,
    OX

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  5. Butterflywings

    Hey,

    Aw, I’m so glad my comment was of some help. It does seem quite a rare thing to be accepting and tolerant enough to never cut people out – maybe we have more empathy than most people. I tend to pick my friends carefully anyway…meh. I have zero spatial awareness too!

    Reading the later comments, wow, I know you said he’s put you through some stuff but…wow. Setting boundaries is definitely a good thing. In the end it’s because you care – if you held his hand all the time, you wouldn’t actually be helping him. People have to work things out themselves sometimes, even if everyone who cares about them is thinking ‘FGS get help you fool!’ or whatever.

    Take care too, hon. BFW

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  6. Hey Butterflywings. Thanks. Glad, you’re glad. *laughing* Kind of like the “silliness” exchange on your blog, hey? Ah, no worries about either.

    Why do I do it. The never cutting people out/off of my life. I have questioned it a lot. I think there are many reasons. It was (and still is) so hard for me to make friends. When I actually manage/d to do it, since it is/was so unbelievable, perhaps I felt like had found a Utopian version of Atlantis for two.

    How funny that you have problems with spatial abilities, as well! Yet, even though I can be a real disaster in some cases, I’m a pretty good driver!

    I haven’t owned a car in about 10 years, as I never needed to anymore. The last few times I drove was several years ago. It felt it bit odd behind the wheel for a bit, but not long. I have no problems parallel parking and that. HA!

    Yes, all of that hand holding resulting in nothing but the sheer hell demonstrates the need for those boundaries. Along with being assertive, boundaries are a huge issue for me, too. Ironically, another thank you to him? But ultimately, it was just destroying me so I had no choice. It also helped that I had at least one person open my eyes to it all.

    Take care again!

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  7. Butterflywings

    *Laughs* glad you’re glad I’m glad… gah :-)

    That’s interesting – at 30 I still can’t drive, my spatial skills, not to mention ability to do most practical/ physical type things, are non-existent. I tried to learn several times but it ended in frustration, tantrums, shouting and tears (and that was just the instructors…) Luckily I live in London so have no need to drive.

    Yeah, assertiveness and boundaries are issues for me too. You’re right, if you give more than you have to give it will destroy you in the end.

    Take care again (again!)

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  8. Hi Butterflywings. Yes, (our) the “backing and forthing” as we are doing here. Still alright. Just like I’ve titled my listing of comments on my leftmost sidebar.

    Oh, dear. Your driving lessons don’t sound very good at all. I was rather nonplussed when I was failed the first time after making a defensive driving manoeuver. I saved both the instructor and I from being killed. Otherwise, everything was ace. Perhaps I should have let him die while jumping from the car at the last second.

    Oh, I just keep giving and giving. When will I ever learn? However, this may be a start.

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