Good Pains in the Arse are Hard to Find
This one’s been on the back burner for a while. Just because it’s been slowly moving along. Ah, my friend J. He’s put me through absolute hell so many times since the spring of last year. But I can’t chuck him out of my life. I simply can’t.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a total masochist (well…?) But seriously. After so many incidents of sheer hell, I’ve had to cut him off completely. He’s never really gotten it, though. Not completely! He’ll stay away for a bit, but then come back in some form. Then, I’ve had to very firmly remind him to bugger off! Strangely enough, in going through it all and doing that, I owe him some thanks for making me more assertive. I have real problems with that.
However, all things being equal, I can sort of understand his incessant need to reach out. He’s lonely with no one else to share his deep thoughts and feelings with, he’s frightened of being isolated and misunderstood, he does carry diagnoses that screw him up, and has a past history of trauma. He’s also very impulsive and doesn’t think before he acts. I can relate. I understand. As much as I don’t want to see these things in myself, they are there. It makes it even worse, because for the first time ever in my life, I am on the receiving end of my own behaviour that has pissed people off in the same way! Thus, I am a real pain in the arse, as well!
However, all things being not-so-equal, J. is a Passive-aggressive, manipulative bastard! Whether he knows it or not, it’s true! I think he definitely knows it. Why? Because after getting to know him over the last few years so well, he’s gotten to know me so well. Too well. He’s so much into my head, he can do this and it’s taken me ages to figure it out! Why? Because I’m naive and trusting and stupid!
But the “not-so-equal.” I can’t relate, here. I don’t see myself as a Passive-aggressive, manipulative bitch. And please. Oh, dear god. If I am? Shoot me now!
I can’t ignore his positive qualities, though. There are a lot of them. Lord, if I was ever guilty of “splitting” it would be only seeing the “good” in people! I’ve been that way all my life. When I “see” anything “bad” it has resulted in an almost, odd “pseudo-bad” as I’m entirely confused by the person’s behaviour. When I “think” it’s “bad” it has to reach some kind of huge and epic proportion, in some way. I don’t know if that makes any sense. Basically, I have severe problems interpreting “bad.”
I also know if I needed him for anything, he’d come running! I understand that, as well. I’m the same for people I care about. Although, I know now there are only certain things he can handle. He’s not so great with my mental/psych stuff anymore. That’s fine. Try and talk to others, but there really aren’t any left who “get it” because I’ve pissed them off with my above behaviour! I’ve mentioned this on my blog before. Maybe that’s why I rant so much on this crazy space! *rolls eyes*
He asked me to do a small favour a little while ago. Just write up a letter of recommendation to do volunteer work. Sure, I could do that. He’s off living in his own little world as he has been for a long time, but he’s still around. Every time he contacts me, he’s actually not being arsey! That’s good.
I never toss anyone out of my life, even though it’s gotten me into awful situations. I do believe everything is workable. More naive, trusting and stupid thinking? So, that philosophy always adhered to, why should he be any exception? Unless for some reason that I can’t imagine happening. A point when I’d be absolutely forced to do it someday?
Well, I am who I am? Be that naive, trusting and stupid? A complete pain in the arse for being just like him in certain ways? But also that person who will always believe all things are workable? Even if the hardest, and sometimes damn near impossible belief to hold onto, is that she is workable as well?