Archive for February, 2011

I don’t need to look in the mirror to know I need to get my hair cut.  No.  How do I know? When I eat, my hair gets tangled up with all the food that ends up in my mouth.  It’s incredibly annoying.  More than.

Now, it’s gotten so bad, food doesn’t even have to be involved at all.  Nor does the slightest breeze outside.  Nor, me walking and making a bit of a turn in whatever direction.  No.  My hair is now falling into mouth when it simply sit still.

I don’t suspect I’ll be working anytime soon (don’t even go there…) so, I won’t have to go for that “Professional Look.”   The type of haircut I’ve been having done or how long now? While trying to get a… (don’t even go there.)

I want an “Anime Haircut!” No, seriously.  I want to look like an Anime Character! I have had this desire for so long.

However, my hair is really thin.  However, I have a “Hair Guru.”  Really, he is.

I suck at hair (and a lot of other things girly, even though PA can pull off girly.)  I guess she just needs some help.  When I had no damn clue what to do with my hair, and bitching about about other extremely expensive salons, looking at pictures…  Do you know what “Hair Guru” did?

He looked at my face for less then two minutes and said, “Let’s get the party started!” He gave me the BEST haircut I’ve ever had.

My hair is driving me nuts.  Let’s see if we can do something radical and uber-funky.  I think I need it.

Well, I don’t know if I need it.  It just might be something kind of fun or nice? Because those two words are definitely lacking from my life right now.

Spock and Aspie Penguin are right.  I DID make a decision to take a break.  And yes, a SERIOUS one.  For the FIRST TIME EVER.

Although, I’m still around.  Just in bits.  I was cleaning up my Blogroll somewhat, as I knew people had shut their blogs down.  Then, I found a couple of posts I thought were really important, so I left comments.  I know.

Then, I was getting Twitter Follows.  I didn’t want my Inbox to explode! So, I had to check them out.  I know.

Then, a couple of my regular reads? I know! But the point is…well, I’m still taking my break from blogging.  No, I REALLY AM!!!

But I just read this.  Like, right now.  I think it’s hilarious.  You can decide for yourselves.

I don’t exactly live in a “posh” neighbourhood, but it is really great.  Everyone’s friendly (I live in a big city, but I still say we Canadians are known for being so wonderful, because we’re so polite, and this and that…we’re just so lovely!) I still think people from other countries put Canadian Flags on their rucksacks when they travel?

Anyway, where I live, there is very much a “community” feel.  As well as…HAPPY?!?!

I was just reading our “Community” newspaper and apparently a local church lost a Supreme Court Ruling.  Gee.  What on “earth” would have to happen for a church to bring it to the Supreme Court? Apparently the Court rejected the fact that smokin’ big fatties, not bogartin’ the dubage, and all else, didn’t bring the congregation closer to their maker.

What on “earth,” indeed.  Maybe a bit farther from it? They are a branch of “The Church of the Universe.”  Cool.

In the last paragraph, it said that two dudes from their Holy (Rollin’) Temple were going to open a cafe shortly.  Maybe I’ll soon find myself in a Canadian version of Amsterdam.  Double Cool.

Hey, we already have gay marriage.  I say, let’s keep moving.  Full steam ahead!

Alright, back to my break.  Perhaps at some point, I’ll head out and look for that cafe. *nods*

My wee PA is having some difficulty at the moment.  She is struggling with a lot of things that you may be aware of, if you have been reading her blog.

One of her struggles has been surrounding blogging.  She has had her fair share of “blogging crises.”  Some suggested solutions to that are, take seriously long breaks, mix up your posts a bit, and do not post every single day.

It is true that she has tried to write a few light-hearted posts, recently.  However, her own lack of judgement is now making her increasingly concerned with her own lack of judgement.  Most specifically, she is wondering how she appears to people when she writes.  She did write a caveat about it before.  However, to add such a caveat to every single post would be tedious for all.

Her immediate concern regarding all of these posts, is that they may seem to go back and forth, and be repetitive in nature.  Perhaps she may look like she has a better grasp of things, then there is a complete, 180 degree turn back to where she was.  She is now viewing such behaviours, attaching meanings to them, and certain connotations, as well.

She does not wish to be seen at all as attention seeking.  She does not wish to be seen at all as Passive-aggressive.  She does not wish to be seen at all as manipulative.  To her, these are extremely loaded, emotional types of behaviours, and extremely loaded in negative fashions.  For if PA was to act, or be perceived in any of these ways, she feels she might as well be dead altogether.

What she is feeling most right now, is a lot of confusion.  She is struggling with how to return things to a state of equilibrium.  This has nothing to do with blogging, but her life.  She feels there is so much in a state of limbo.

She is also still sick.  At points she feels she is getting better, but then it is as if her mind plays tricks on her, and it is not so.  Although, it may be simply small steps to getting better, and that would be very good.  Yet, now that we have been up for a while, there are some signs and symptoms from the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus appearing.

Apart from the lack of judgement, she is having a lot of difficulty with regulation of emotions and thoughts.  Even if there is no trigger, they can sometimes change so fast, she feels there is no control.  She is working very hard to try and keep things as level as possible.  She told me the other day, after dealing with CBT and other types of similar therapies while in hospital so many times, “I’m CBT’ing myself all over the place!” She is having some success with that.  Nonetheless, this was another concern she had regarding blogging.

She has noted that her emotions can be regulated, and very much improved, when around or in contact with other people.  If they are understanding, or upbeat, or someone who will listen to wee PA and be supportive, it makes her feel much better.  That may seem quite an obvious thing to you all, but PAs processing is slow.

Also, speaking of processing and wee PA, I will leave you with this.  It does not really fit with the post material, but she is waving at me across the room, desperate that I include it here.  Last night, she had an extremely and incredibly important breakthrough regarding her PTSD.  She found a “Golden Key” as she likes to refer to them.  There is something that has been plaguing her for several years, and she thinks she has figured it out.  It all seems to make sense to her.  We are both happy for that, at least.

Then again, it is a Golden Key.  Gold is expensive, so you still need to pay a price for it.  Wee PA feels any price is absolutely worth it, however.  She feels it so strongly, that even if the cost requires your mind to slip to some degree in paying for it, that doesn’t matter one bit.

Despite it probably not being the best time for her to purchase her Golden Key, it presented itself and she had no choice.  It is one more thing for her to think about, but in looking at her keychain, I believe this is the first and only one she has ever found.

I’ve wanted to for so long.  I’ve been preaching it for so long.  I was there for so long before this blog took so many crooked turns and ended up here.

The Med Blogosphere is safer.  Science.

Not that Psych and Med can’t be combined.

Lately, things have been nothing but pain.

Maybe we all need a break.

Everyone’s right.  Sort of? I can’t keep feeling guilty (and everything else) for trying to take my own life.  At least not forever? I certainly hope not.  I know I have to keep feeling guilty (and everything else) if I’m ever going to have a chance to accept it and heal.  For as long as it takes.  I can’t keep feeling guilty (and everything else) for not being able to accept it and heal as fast as I want to.

Everyone’s right.  Sort of? I can’t keep feeling guilty (and everything else) as far as other people.  That in no way means I don’t care.  Far from it! In fact, the above is an easier a task for me to attempt.  I have always put everyone first my entire life.  I have always been a very distant second.  I can’t keep feeling guilty (and everything else) for them not being able to accept it and heal as fast as I want them to.

Everyone’s right.  Sort of? I can’t keep feeling guilty (and everything else) if people can’t ultimately accept it and heal at all.  This is the hardest for me to try and do.  Then, I can’t keep feeling guilty (and everything else) if it creates outcomes that can never be changed.  No, that will probably be the hardest for me to try and do.

Everyone’s right.  Sort of? I want to have faith in it? Because they’ve told me that if people really love me, everything will be alright with them.  My faith comes from the fact that I still love them.

I’ve spent hours and hours trying to write an email to my sister because we haven’t talked in months and months.  That’s just another person where I can’t stop feeling…

The title of the post says it all (and more?) Well, it will say more?

I wrote before that my posts may sound a bit, I’m not sure.  Alright, we’ll just say “strange” for now? That’s because my head’s getting worse, the necessity for the CT and my lack of judgement is a bit of a problem.  At least I’m aware of it, so I’m trying to keep myself in check.

Also, it’s always great for me to write posts when I’m not really awake yet.  My judgement can be pretty bad then, too.

Ah, what else? Hell, just “thinking” in GENERAL makes my judgement off.  Or is it the other way around? Let’s say both!

Wow, I can tell already it was such a wonderful decision to write this one! A real Pulitzer we’ve got on our hands, here!

So, back to lack of judgement.  When I had a bit more of a head, I’d called about a place to live.  It was a shared accommodation deal (scarrrreeeeyyyyy!!!!!) but maybe not so bad? Really nice house, people sounded great, not too far from my blessed neighbourhood.  I don’t want to leave it!!!

Well, the woman called me back yesterday.  Oh, wonderful!!! Man, did she talk fast, too! That wasn’t the worst of it though, either (well, apart from my broken head and trying to bounce from mute to mumbly during the conversation.)

Of course I ‘fessed up about applying for money from the stoopid guvmunt.  Some people assholes may not take kindly to that.  In fact, I’m still waiting for a call from some guy who “had to check with his father and call me back.”  I guess I got my “answer.”  Whatev.

I think she had a problem with that.  She said, “So you’ll be home all day???” Uh, yeah.  Then, I made a boo boo and didn’t read the ad properly.  Extra costs for utilities.  Well, holy fuck-o-rama! It was like I had insulted her beyond all forgiveness in the world.  She told me the new cost in her rapid-fire, Drill Sergeant speech and I didn’t hear it.  I asked again.  Oh! Well, make we PA clean the entire house’s floors with a toothbrush for renting there FOREVER!

And the house! Thousands of ft. of utter Victorian Beauty! She kept drilling that one, for sure.  Which was also in the ad.  All other amenities, too.  But then, she totally contradicted herself!

She asked me how long I wanted to stay, when I could move, all of that.  I said I’d like to give proper notice here but…  She cut me off mid-sentence and said she had a guy ready to move in long term.  I wanted to say it so bad.  Soooo bad.  In the ad, it said: short term, long term, travellers, all welcome!

Pushy, lying bitch.  I don’t care how cool you think you are or how beautiful your house is.  Shove all those thousands of ft. of it straight up your ass!

So, maybe it’s actually a GOOD thing my judgment is off–to whatever degree? At least my bullshit detector was working fine enough with her.  Unless her bullshit “scent” was so strong it didn’t matter, and I just couldn’t smell my own. *sniff sniff*  Hmmm… *ponders*

I’ve just gotten home from a really exhausting, anxiety-provoking, off-kilter…you know it… 


I didn’t even know if I could pull it off, but no choice! Hobble, hobble to Non-Arsey Neuro!

I forgot some forms for the stoopid guvmunt when I saw him the other day.  When I called this morning, “Come in anytime! He’s here until 3:00 p.m.!”

*PA immediately freezes*

Anyway, I just went to one person’s blog and I read their three most recent posts.  They were unbelievably shocking in comparison to some I’ve written.  Perhaps with slightly different details here and there, but it didn’t matter so much.  Also, the comments? Due to both, there was no way on earth I could say a peep! I felt if I did, well, I don’t know!

I just sat there reading everything, and how it sounded like me and things I’ve done.  Serious stuff, and so many commenters were already freaking out! If I said anything, I might drop some kind of bomb, or say something stupid? The other commenters who were on fire would end up hating me? I’d get banished from the blogosphere?

Well, alright.  But it really was all too much to bear.  It wasn’t just like reading a heavy duty post.  It was like someone else living and writing my life!

It reminded me of another blogger that I knew, as well.  A post they had written a long time ago that got me thinking about the above.  When I read THAT one over again???

Wow.  I feel like those four posts have just given me a sucker punch to the gut by a 300lb. guy wearing lead gloves.  Not that it’s anyone’s fault!

I can’t write any more about this.  I’m just going to make it worse by going around and around and around…  Because that’s what happened.  It’s messy, and it’s kinda messed with my already messed up head, and made it even more messed up, so who knows what future messes I’ll create! You see? Around and around and around…

Things were getting a bit stale on MP3 of the Moment, so time to add something else.  I love this song by Erasure.

Several years ago, I saw them in concert and Andy Bell was as full of beans as ever, even though he is HIV positive.  It made ME full of beans, too! Maybe even more, because I’d volunteered for quite some time at an HIV/AIDS Hospice.

It was such an amazing experience to do that.  Certainly not just because I’m gay.  Although, there was always a significant gay population of clients, so I could empathize with them on that level.  Nonetheless, the entire place, and so much that happened there is (and was) indescribable.

However, let’s still all be clear that the HUGE connection (and even only for you cretins?) between acquiring HIV and it further developing into AIDS is not due to being gay.  If you think so, stop reading my blog immediately!

He’s still going strong.  Bless his little (or big) soul.

“Rescue Me” by Erasure

I don’t know how many of you scroll down far enough to see my current reads.  I haven’t done this sort of thing in a long time (not scroll down far enough to see my current reads.)  Wow.  I’m having some serious (both written and real life) Aspie, literal issues.

No, I’m talking about my ADD, here.  Usually it’s with one book.  If the material is relatively easy, I may only make it through a limited number of pages.  Concentration still not so improved with the Concerta, but better.  However, I can’t devour books like I used to.  Quel, quel, quel drag.

Or, if the book is still relatively easy and I’m really into it, I may tend to bounce all over to see what comes next, skipping hither and yon, even if I don’t like to do that.  I have to go through the book from beginning to end! I’d never understand any of it if I didn’t!

Now? Again, not in a long time.  I’m reading three at once! I’m finding it pretty funny, too.

I usually read when I’ve popped my pills and flop into bed.  Try and relax a bit and help me get to sleep.  Since I’ve got three on the go, I’m now I finding I stare for a fair while, quite indecisive about which one I should pick up.  Last night, I chose the closest within reach!

I wrote in this post that I was now reading three, plus I had bought three new Graphic Novels! I’m trying very hard not to touch those.

So, if you don’t know what I end up fighting with every night, here you go:

“The Boomer Bible” by R.F. Laird
“Speaking of Sadness” by David A. Karp
“Wuthering Heights” by Emily Bronte

I’m not sure if we could do any sort of “dissection” based upon my choices.  Maybe only this.  Number one: Humour.  Number two: Mental Health.  Number three: Classics.  That’s as far as I think you could go.

My next thought is this, ultimately.  Number one: Humour (being the overall–except, perhaps “pseudo-history?”) Number two: Depression.  Number three: Depression.  Indeed.  The latter two aren’t really so funny at all, are they?

Although, some of the peoples’ quotes of their experiences with Depression are kind of funny.  One guy said that if there was a million dollars across the room, with Depression, you’d never be able to get it.  Depression’s so bad, you just can’t get out of bed, so forget that nice, cool million.  Well, I think back on some of my worst episodes of Depression, and sure as shit, I’d get out of bed for that amount of money! Probably even less!

So, what can you say about that? Sure, Depression’s awful.  It is debilitating.  However, I would still take money if I became depressed.  Am I a “Depression Gold Digger?”  No.  I don’t think so.  I’ve yet to see my Pot of Gold or any other financial reward when I still get depressed.  I suppose I can keep hoping, but I’d rather avoid Depression altogether and buy lottery tickets instead.

But back to humour in Wuthering Heights.  No, not so much.  Unless you’re quite a sadistic creature and you really get off on storybook character’s pain and misery.

It’s one of my favourite books of all time.  I lost my copy way back so I had to go and pick up another one.  It’s been on my mind so much lately.  Like a “Literary Earworm!” And before you ask, I’m not a sadistic creature who’s getting off on all the pain and misery of it.

I’m just sitting here.  I’m fucked.  Forget being scared of writing that post.  Now I’m scared for my goddamn head.  My landlords called and they said they didn’t get my cheque for this month.  It’s in my little, ledger book.  If I wrote it, why wouldn’t I have mailed it? I can’t find anything here.  I’ve called my mother as I don’t remember.  Fucking retrograde amnesia.

I mentioned in a comment that my writing may sound kind of weird.  Things may be a bit hard to decipher.  I may have to keep saying that over and over.  I don’t know.

I got my form from Non-Arsey Neuro.  The one for the stoopid guvmunt.  He said he paid good attention to all the notes I gave him.  Looks like? Bless.

Then I told him.  I started crying and I just couldn’t believe his empathy.  Crying now.  He kept telling me it was okay, it was okay, in acceptance and not judging me.

We talked about my head and my current neurological issues.  I told him I wouldn’t bother if things were just staying the same.  But they’re getting worse day by day (at least from today’s account.)  We decided upon a CT because they are faster to get than an MRI.  Although, I’ve been pretty lucky and gotten my MRIs fast.  But not for this.  Faster.  I’ll wait for the hospital to call.  I had an EEG done there and it was within two weeks.  I wonder if they bump you up for a TBI.

I got up to leave and said I’d call him if things got worse or crazier.  He looked at me with an ear to ear grin and said, “Come on, let’s have a little smile.”  I told him I didn’t know if I could ’cause I couldn’t control things.  I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, tried, and probably looked like scared puppy who pissed on the carpet, hoping their owner would forgive them.

We increased my Clobazam to 60mg (30mg b.i.d) for the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus. That’s exactly what I wanted.  It’s the last thing that’s killing me in terms of regular, seizure control.  Otherwise, seizures good.

Oh, yes.  I told him about Merlin #2 being such an idiot of late and things getting worse.  He was shocked and agreed that I should find someone better.  What a guy.