I just put up a new song on MP3 of the Moment.  I was staring at things yesterday and had no clue.  Then, I got interrupted by all sorts of annoying things like emotions.  Mostly overwhelming panic and fear.  Then a lot of guilt and confusion.  I also got a visit from my Case Worker.  She’s good to have but always calls and says, “Can I come by? I’ll be there in about…”  She actually calls on the way over.  Not much time to get prepared.  But I’m not so much prepared for anything at all right now, so I suppose it didn’t matter.

Anyway, I hadn’t listened to this one in ages.  You know those types.  They just sit in your iTunes (or other) library forever collecting dust.  So, I did.  It was sent to me.  Hmmm…just when was that? Whoa. Exactly a year ago.  Exactly! To the date!

I’m sentimental.  I will admit it.  Or maybe “semi-sentimental?”  I’ll hang on to things forever if they have certain meanings regarding certain people.  Or, there may be a shelf life.  Or, if enough time passes, and I really don’t give a shit about the person anymore, I’ll just chuck everything out altogether–especially if bad memories are attached.  I mean, why keep them then? Actually, I’ve got some “chucking” to do now, as a matter of fact.

Memories are funny things.  However, when they keep coming back? Over and over? Trying to keep them at bay? Hard. *sighs*

“Ring, Ring, Ring” by Aaron Soul

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  1. Hi patientanonymous, welcome to your own post. What’s up?

    Well, I’m totally out of it and feeling like crap. Which may sound irrelevant but it’s not, really. I said on Twitter earlier that I was going to lay down and rest but I haven’t.

    The last thing I wrote up there (no, not the song title and artist!) has had me thinking for hours! It sounds pretty dramatic. Like, ALL memories that can come flooding back to you are so painful and awful! That’s not true! More evidence that I’m totally out of it and feeling like crap.

    I’ve been through a lot of shit with a lot of people and reliving it can sometimes be really rough so…? Yes. That would apply. Memories? Please go away.

    I was just reading some journals and other writing and stuff. Memories. Well, okay memories. Go ahead and still run over me, like a you’re a manic three year-old, trying to drive a tractor. That’s fine. Even if some of you are still kinda icky memories.

    The person who sent me this song years ago, crushed me like a manic three year-old, trying to drive a tractor. It totally sucked.

    I wish we still talked, though. Even if we both acted like manic three year-olds, trying to drive tractors (which we actually did at times.) I understand a lot more about them, now. It would be nice if I could share that with them.

    *PA heads off to find nearest tractor*

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  2. Butterflywings

    Good to see you back honey, I’m glad you survived, although sorry you still feel crappy but guess that’s not surprising. x

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  3. I too am glad to see you back posting. I’ve been soooooooooo worried about you. You have my email. Drop me a line if you need to talk. I’m the queen of sucky memories.

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  4. Hi Butterflywings. Thanks. Yes, I’m kind of back I guess you could say?

    Yesterday’s crappiness was primarily due to restarting my Concerta after being off it for two days. It’s the only psych med that you can safely discontinue for brief periods. I can only go without it for two days. Then, when I restart, all hell breaks loose with my body and brain. So, we’ll just write yesterday off to that? *raises eyebrows*

    As for anything else, there’s still a lot going on in my head. I’m doing a lot of processing and thinking about a lot of things. I guess that should not be so surprising, either?

    Thanks again, hon.
    x

    Hi katm. Oh, I feel so sick about all of this! I really do. Worrying everyone so much and wreaking so much havoc and just GAH.

    I NEVER thought I would try to kill myself again. Well, the possibility was always there. In fact, the possibility has been so strongly “there” just recently! But I managed to fight it off.

    Crazy sentence but I just want to die because I wanted to die! And another. I want to die because I tried to die! I’m going to start blogging about it all today, I think. It’s not like I wouldn’t being me, and this blog being this blog.

    As above with trying to sort out a lot in my head, my outpatient Social Worker came by for a visit on Friday. I think SHE was about to die when she saw me!

    I had mentioned in my VM to her that I had been in hospital and this and that, but she was not prepared for wee PA laying in bed, unable to make eye contact, having trouble speaking… *shakes head*

    I spent a pretty intense two hours with her. I shouldn’t mention “dying” again but holy crap. I think my head was going to fall off my shoulders.

    I got up to walk her out and she said I didn’t have to. I was a total wreck and she gave me a hug! Well, she asked first but that is mega boundary crossing for professionals and clients. Crazy, Aspie me just stammered, “Okay.” She held me close as I started to cry.

    Fuck.

    Yes, memories. Sometimes it’s really hard to know what to do with them, right? Yes, I do have your email so thanks, doll. You have mine too.

    x

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  5. Well, I’m really glad you survived. I can understand you’re still having a lot of issues, and it takes a lot of hard work to process stuff. I’m sorry you are/were feeling like crap and the Concerta withdrawal was causing you problems. Hope you feel better once back on it for a few days.

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  6. Hi Astrid. Thank you. Everyone is saying that. Oh, it makes me feel even more guilty. I’ve caused everyone so much goddamn pain and I can’t fucking stand it. *sighs*

    I’m back on my second day of Concerta so my brain isn’t so melty. That’s one thing at least.

    Thanks, again.

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