TRIGGER ALERT: If you are suicidal, have attempted suicide or have known someone who has made an attempt or been successful, you may not wish to continue reading this post.  This post contains material that may be considered graphic about my own recent suicide attempt.

Although the title to this post may sound like this is a funny topic, it’s actually not.  I started writing it while in hospital and since then, it has needed many revisions.  That title and the post’s original first paragraph (about my “winning a contest” and “taking a vacation”) were only further evidence of how I sometimes write on my blog.  I use a lot of self-deprecation, and I have a very twisted sense of humour.  That still may come out here, somewhat.  I don’t know.  One thing I do know is that you are going to get as much detail as I can possibly give you.  That was always my original intent.

I was in the ICU for three days.  I had no idea I was even there because I was already unconscious upon arrival to the ER.  For the first two days, I was in a coma.  In fact, I may have even been in a coma in the ER.  Either way, I was not going to recover at all in the ER.  Why else would I have been transferred to the ICU?

When I say “coma” I do not mean “unconscious.”  Why? Well, there are many “degrees” to measure consciousness regarding a coma, for example, the Glasgow Coma Scale.  If you do not choose to look at it, you may choose to “look” at me.  As morbid as it may sound, I wish I had a photograph to see what I actually did look like.  Instead, I needed to rely upon at least some description until I did regain a bit of consciousness.

I was intubated with an endotracheal tube that was then connected to a ventilator so I could breathe.  That type of tube is inserted into your mouth externally and down through your trachea as it sounds.  I had a nasogastric feeding tube inserted.  I also had a catheter inserted to drain my urine.  However, the nasogastric tube may have been used in concert with the catheter to keep clearing my system of toxins.

There were several attachments to monitor my vitals, many IVs to provide drips of other solutions (perhaps things to balance my electrolytes.)  Most IVs come with extra tubes to insert needles directly and also to add solutions to flush the tubes and lines.  It would only make sense they would be there as well, since everything was running non-stop.

I was placed in restraints.  Only my arms and basically in cotton material.  This was more of a safety precaution should I wake up, start wondering what the hell was going on, and begin tearing everything out and off of me.  That would not have been good.  Most definitely while still being intubated.  However, the ICU nurses were on top of everything.

Intubation.  Extubation.  Nasogastric Tube.  Things are a bit fuzzy, here.  My condition must have changed and I stabilized, as I somehow recall things being removed.  They told me they were going to extubate me, and when they said to “cough” I should cough.  It may sound a bit silly, but I think I had a flash of all the medical shows I’ve seen in my life.  I wondered if it was really as bad as they made it seem.


No, it wasn’t so bad.

Blood.  Everywhere.  Were the nurses getting a bit excited? I don’t think they expected that to happen.  Or was it the nasogastric tube that caused all the blood? I once had a doctor try to insert a nasogastric tube when I was conscious.  It caused quite a nosebleed.  Regardless, either tube can cause some significant bleeding upon removal.

After that, I may have been oxygenated by both a mask and a cannula.  A bit fuzzy there, too.  The cannula would be done after the mask, as it delivers less oxygen through its smaller tubes, and does not cover your entire nose and mouth area.

The intubation also left me with some other issues that lasted a bit longer.  They are not uncommon, though.  I had a small cut on the right side of my mouth, my throat was very sore but I was only allowed small sips of water and ice chips for a long time.  My neck was unbelievably sore.  I think I had some chest pain, as well.  I think my throat still tends to get a bit sore now, still.

I became “conscious” on the third day but I was far from it.  Although, one thing confused me greatly.  When rolling over I felt something hard on the side of my face.  One of the nurses had braided my hair with surgical tape.  I thought it was…someone else…  You see, I had some very interesting “hallucinations” in the ICU.  That is all very complicated and too much to write about here.  I will say, though, that certain “someone?” I miss him.  I want him to come back.

Since being discharged and coming home, I was told I said and did some things that I have no memory of saying or doing.  I think that might only be reasonable considering I was in a coma for two entire days.  It’s not like I would have just “snapped to it” when I did finally open my eyes.  When someone from psychiatry came down, all I remember is just saying, “yes” over and over again, like a robot, to whatever he said.

When I did get up to the psych ward, the first night I slept I was in so much pain.  Every time I moved I wanted to cry out, but that would have just added to the pain.  I got up the next day and tried to walk with Wonder Cane but it was impossible.  I had to ask my nurse to get me a wheelchair.

Next: Perhaps some of the Five W’s and the H? I wanted to start you off slowly with this one.


  1. Splinteredones



  2. Hi Splinteredones. Thank you and hugs back.

    I think you may have liked my certain “someone.” There were others too, but he was the best.

    Everyone basically blew it all off except one psych nurse I had. She said get straight to writing EVERYTHING down about it all! You’ll need it when you get to therapy!

    I was like, okay. Somebody else realizes this might actually be kind of important? Maybe?


  3. Shit, just read this. Didn’t click what the letters ‘ICU’ stood for right away. Fuck, I wish I could help. Is there anything I can do? Write you another letter? I know in past you’ve mentioned that phoning makes things worse, but I could text or something if you want.

    Let me know, ok?


  4. Hi Canageek. Thanks, hon. Your letters always give me a grin. You can send me one if you want?


  5. Alrighty, I will try to start work on one. I don’t have a commute or long periods in the lab anymore though, so I will have to make time. It might be a little bit though. Will try not to forget that I have one half written for 2 months like I did with Ada though.

    Any topics I should babble on about? I can’t really remember what I had in the last couple, and I didn’t get a response to reply to (which I understand).
    Did you like the postcard at least? With the happy apples?


  6. Hi Canageek. Oh, don’t worry about time or anything. Just your offer was sweet enough. Also, write about whatever you’d like. Just babble, if you feel so inclined?

    Yes, I meant to respond but I’m not so great at letter writing as I used to be. I was really keen on pen pals as a kid, though. Perfect for an Aspie? *nods*

    And yes. The apples were lovely.


  7. The world would be a sadder place without someone who can observe so clearly and describe so vividly.

    Please replace suicide attempts with more writing!


  8. get well soon!


  9. Hi Bob Hayes ( @purplehayz). Nice to meet you, and welcome to my blog.

    Oh, my. A double hit with the compliments. *crosses eyes* I’m still working on accepting them with (more) ease. Thank you so much for your support.

    Also what you said about my writing. I don’t quite know what to say about that! The words that you used are so powerful. I’ve read so many other people’s blogs and I really feel I pale by comparison. So, that is a huge compliment!

    I will keep writing. Even though I know I’ll have more “blogging crises” and want to stop (or even take down my blog altogether!) However, one day I might. I don’t know if I’ll keep blogging until I’m an octogenarian or something. Again, thank you so much.

    Hi misterecho. Welcome to my blog, too, as I haven’t seen you before, either.

    More support from more people. More support from people that I have never even seen before! Thank you so very much as you are one of them. I may be running out of words now and that never happens to me. I’m extremely verbose on my blog!

    Take care and good to meet you, too.


  10. I came to your post from Canadageeks. I hope you’re doing better now. I think the humor your display in your post (even as you point it that it really isn’t funny) will serve you well, not only with dealing with illness, but with people reactions to it.


  11. Hi trey. Nice to meet you and thank you for coming over. It means a lot. So much.

    Thank you too about my use of humour. I do use a lot of it here. I’m pretty twisted, sarcastic and use a lot of self-deprecation. Some people don’t like so much the latter. They think I’m beating myself up but not really. Just making fun of myself.

    Take care and thanks again,


  12. Heh, well now that someone has said it, thanks to everyone for coming an wishing my friend PA well. ^^

    Also *hugs* to PA.
    (Also I’m very complimented that Trey reads my blog, as one of the bloggers I respect the most.)


  13. Mmmm, so I don’t need to sic my friend the penguin on you for making self-deprecating comments?


  14. Hi Canageek. You are right. Thank you for having people come over via your link/Pingback, and thank YOU for adding it.

    Aspie Penguin fully understands how I write and is fine with it. He just tries to keep me on the straight and narrow when I beat myself up and feel bad. Unfortunately, he and Spock were taking a vacation together when all of this happened.

    That was too bad. Sure could have used ’em.

    And yes, Trey seems pretty cool (at least as I can tell since the two comments he’s left.)



  1. 1 Send a freind of mine some support? « Ruminations of a Canadian Geek

    […] However, I’m going to copy the warning she placed on her blog post here, before the link: TRIGGER ALERT: If you are suicidal, have attempted suicide or have known someone who has made an attempt or been successful, you may not wish to continue reading this post.  This post contains material that may be considered graphic about my own recent suicide attempt. Alright, if you still want to go on, please, drop my friend a comment. Thank you ever so much.… […]


  2. 2 Survivor Guilt « Patient Anonymous: Just Another Head Case

    […] like me.  In fact, we’re just one neat ugly little package right now.  I know before in this post I said I’d probably get into some more detail about what happened.  However, when I woke up […]


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