Survivor Guilt

February 7, 2011 in ADD, Asperger's, Bipolar Disorder, Facts About Patient Anonymous, Head Injury, Health, Hospitalizations, Medicine, Meds, Patient Advocacy, PTSD and Dissociative Disorders, Seizures, Therapy, Uncategorized

TRIGGER ALERT: If you are suicidal, have attempted suicide or have known someone who has made an attempt or been successful, you may not wish to continue reading this post.  This post contains material that may be considered graphic about my own recent suicide attempt.

I just woke up from yet another night of disastrous sleep.  Tears flowing from my eyes.  They still are flowing.  I probably had more nightmares but I can’t remember them.  I won’t even delve further into my emotional state…wait.  LOOK OUT!

Perhaps this post may become a bit more clear as my morning moves on.  I’ll start drinking my tea, my Concerta will kick in but I wanted to start it right now.  Right in the moment.  Right when I felt the feelings.  The immediacy was that important and for now, this is just a free flow blog post (with maybe some Google references?) I’ll probably have to edit it, though.  No, I will.  I just made an edit.  Regardless, I’m still going to let it pour out of me.

I am experiencing Survivor Guilt for recently attempting suicide.  I never, never, never, ever, ever, ever thought I would seriously make an attempt again.  The possibility was always there, of course.  I’d be surprised to find anyone with a psych diagnosis who has not pondered suicide.  I mean, there are loads of stats out there.  Although, I think the stats “lie” in terms of people thinking about it.  The problem exists with self-reporting (possibly?) because suicide is still far too taboo an issue.

Enter my Survivor Guilt.

I’ve tried to commit suicide before twice in my life.  Both were pretty bogus and ridiculous attempts but that doesn’t matter.  The actions were what counted.  Those were done in 1999.  The first time I actually thought about committing suicide was when I was 13.  I was very close to trying but “guilt” held me back.

In 1999? There was no “guilt.”  No one gave a shit about me.  Who the hell would care if I died? Whether that was true or not, I did not know at the time.  I still do not know to this day.  It was a long time ago.  There were few to depend upon.  Just as today. But during that time, my life was also full of many, unsavoury characters.  Some of them may have cheered if I offed myself!

Further, I took a sort of “life moves on” attitude.  Even if anyone cared, they’d get over it soon enough.  People die all the time! So you grieve, for as long as it takes, but then you just get on with it.  Get back to your life.

Hmmm…  Well, what’s that all about? Me never having to grieve anyone? Me not giving a shit about myself so thinking why should anyone else–just like more of the above? Me not even caring about the people that would still be living their lives away after I was dead and gone? Was I so consumed with me? Only me? I’m not like that.

There are so many angles you can debate until you die of your own natural death, and one of them is that people who commit suicide are selfish.  I don’t believe that one.  It’s usually pulled out by the folks that are still alive after the person died.  Anger is one part of their grief, so that’s where that comment can be said.

Enter my Survivor Guilt…sorry.  My current Survivor Guilt doesn’t seem to want to come out of the shadows and enter the real world.  Just like me.  In fact, we’re just one neat ugly little package right now.  I know before in this post I said I’d probably get into some more detail about what happened.  However, when I woke up and from some events last night, I felt writing this was more important.

What is Survivor Guilt? Unfortunately, for a long time it got tangled up like versions of PTSD.  You had to survive something catastrophic to end up dealing with the guilt of surviving the event.  Not true.  Pretty much anything that would apply to you as traumatic fits the bill.  Still, a lot of examples out there still use catastrophes.  Drive the point home so people can “get it?” So essentially, in its most basic form, it is dealing with the “guilt” of surviving a traumatic event.

However, it’s more complicated, there are many more layers and it’s multi-faceted.  It doesn’t just affect one person.  It’s not just affecting me.  Nonetheless, I’ll try to stick to just my situation.  Which is still complicated, has a lot of layers and is multi-faceted.

On my side, I’m guilty as all hell.  I feel like I’ve fucked up massively for not being able to fight off being suicidal.  I’ve done it so many times for so long.  Do the math.  1999 to 2011.  That’s 12 years.  That’s a long time.  A lot of people who have failed suicide attempts feel guilty because they didn’t succeed. I feel guilty for even trying to succeed!!!

Even though my mental state being whatever it was, no matter how many people may accept that, it is not acceptable to me!!! I feel guilty because what I have done is and was wrong. Taboo or not taboo, that is irrelevant.  What I did was completely destructive. And as a result, I let myself down, I wasn’t strong enough and I failed.

I think that’s enough? Also, I know I have been given a lot of support.  I am still being given it and I am extremely grateful for that.  But you know what? And please take no offense.  It actually adds to my Survivor Guilt! But this is important.  I want everyone reading to know that I am talking about my feelings here.  They have absolutely NOTHING to do with YOUR actions or words! Please understand that!

Why do I feel more Survivor Guilt? This may not sound much like I “survived” but it does have to do with all of the above.

Now that it’s over, it is not over.  I suppose when all was said and done, when I was safely back at home, I knew there would be repercussions.  I would have caused people some pain.  I already was “remorseful” and “felt bad.”  But I had no clue what I had really done.  The damage and destruction and pain that resulted from my actions.

I still haven’t told some people in my life, but I know I have damn near taken things to a breaking point in at least one area, with one person! If it wasn’t enough that I felt I let myself down, I let them down! That disgusts me even more! There is no way to even begin to tell you how much! It is someone I treasure and love dearly and if this relationship…

So, now we’ve got two people dealing with Survivor Guilt bouncing off each other.  Bear in mind, none of this is that other person’s fault.  Of course it’s not! I now feel utterly and completely responsible for their pain. Of course I do! If I hadn’t done what I did, they wouldn’t be in that pain!!!

I need a break from writing this.  I need some tea.  Christ, it’s 1200 words long.

Maybe this is enough.  Yes, lots of bold, screamy, letters and words.  My own “catastrophe.”  Even if no one really “gets it.”