Scared to Write This
Just when I said I wasn’t going to write anything else about my suicide attempt except possible medical things that I doubted would occur…ah, well? The whole point of that was not to upset people further. Being responsible, right?
Well, I thought I should maybe put this up in case I go off the radar a bit. Then people might start freaking out? Because I can’t really respond to my current comments at the moment. But I will. I always do. “Don’t worry!’ So, that’s responsible? Still here but sort of in absentia?
I don’t know if I’ll go off the radar and if I do for how long. I mean, I’ll still be checking in. But now you might be all upset about me going off the radar and why. Then I’ve got you worried, again. Dilemma. Scared to write. Part of the reason why I can’t even write the damn thing. Beyond my head.
Because it is my head. I knew all the stuff wasn’t the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus. I’m more screwy beyond that. I’m seeing Non-Arsey Neuro tomorrow, anyway. Maybe I will just need more time but not really a mild TBI. Still, severe ones can heal without sequelae.
Maybe this can be more “responsible” and provide less upset and worry. My personal history and stats.
Forget what I did. Leave it that I just suffered a concussion. Statistically (they don’t why) if you’ve had one (even one!) or more before, you are extremely likely to have another. I’ve had one that I’ve known of. The assault. I probably had one in the early 2000’s as I woke up with a huge lump on my head with retrograde amnesia. That would qualify?
I suspect another as a kid, when I stood up and fell, then put my head through a wall. Yes, a wall. A nice sized hole (in the wall not my head.) The parental units never took me to hospital, though. Why would they do that? I only put my head through a wall. It wasn’t a big deal or anything.
So, let’s say neither is this. Because even though I can often hate my head, I need my goddamn, sonofabitch, motherf… Okay, that’s enough, now. Sorry, guys.
POSTSCRIPT: Actually, let’s try and add some serious “not to worry?” I managed to tackle a fair bit of work today. And the dishes. And had a shower. And finished my laundry. The work was pretty crazy but I persisted. Maybe something for anyone out there to feel good about if they’re still feeling bad?
The Backing and Forthing
Track the Twit(ter…)
Psych Central 2009 Top 10 Bipolar Blogs
Currently Reading (Bless My Stims!)
Too many things at once. My ADD is running full throttle.
However...
MORE GENEROUS AWARDS
I'm really a girl though.
Here are some more given to me where I had a complete memory lapse. I think I got the hovers correct like the above!
Dr. PA Available For Consultations: General Medicine Plus Specialty in Neurology From Harvard
patientanonymous (at) gmail (dot) com
NOTE: This other side of her ego may get back to you as well:
Hi. I'm Aspie Penguin. I do my hardest to take care of PA. She doesn't always do so well on her own.
You can reach me at her email above, or I have my own: aspiepenguin (at) gmail (dot) com
Patient Anonymous: Just Another Head Case 
February 13, 2011 at 20:40
YAY, You did more housekeeping than me! I really need to do laundry/dishes soon… bad geek.
Also, *hug* Did you get my letter yet? I hope I sent it to the right place!
If you want to babble or talk or something let me know. Also let me know if you want me to write another letter or something without waiting for a response.
–Canageek
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February 13, 2011 at 23:03
OK, I’m not worried then. You got more done than I did today, too. You take time off if you need it, don’t feel bad about worrying anyone; I for one promise I’m not.
I hope the appointment with non-arsey neuro is helpful and you don’t have more than just concussion.
Take care x
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February 14, 2011 at 02:54
Sweetheart… the whole purpose of blogging about our respective mental illnesses, is to be free to write about the things we need to. Put a big, bright disclaimer in your sidebar and get on with it. Be responsible to yourself first, and to the people who come by here a distant second.
Happy Valentine’s Day…
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February 14, 2011 at 12:27
Hi Canageek. Thanks. I’d almost forgotten how much I’d done, as most of it involved a lot of endless mouse clicking and staring at the screen. Then, maybe some jotting of notes.
I did get your letter, too. I meant/forgot to mention it. It was great. You “babbled” just fine.
Hi Butterflywings. Thank you as well.
So, one point for the “non-worrier” side. That’s good.
Thanks about Non-Arsey Neuro, too. The biggest problem is that things are getting worse. That’s what I really didn’t/don’t want to admit here, but there you go. I fit what would seem clearly a focal TBI. That’s the hard science. Ultimately, since it’s getting worse, like any other medical problem, you have to deal with it (no matter how guilty and ashamed I am about it.)
Yes, I was a bit productive yesterday. I think I was just getting frustrated with things laying around and they needed tending to, anyway. Which is odd because when do I ever get frustrated with my living space? Speaking of oddity and frustration, let’s move onto emotions. You’ll understand when I write my comment to Gabriel….
Hi Gabriel…. Oh, I just had to respond to this post when I read your comment. You always make me feel so much better about things, no matter what they are. God, you’ve got me laughing and crying at the same time! Possibly because of the TBI, but no, you for sure.
You see Butterflywings? Another reason I sort of wanted to avoid being online. I might make a real mess of things because I can’t control what is going on with me. Not all the time maybe, but there’s an overarching level of fuckuppery to everything. Physical, too.
Sorry Gabriel…. Tangent. Thinking is hard. Judgment is off (at least I can “feel” that somewhat, so I can try to monitor.)
I just about bit my mother’s head off on the phone last night re: insane, emotional lability. I would never do that! And she’s picking me up from Non-Arsey Neuro’s, driving me home and has done more shopping for me. She knows EVERYTHING and says it’s all okay.
God, my mother being so…understanding and accepting of all this?! Has the moon finally turned into green cheese? Or just Limburger, and it’s going to fall on my head at any moment now, too?
Christ, gotta be VERY careful, speaking of the now. Second Impact Syndrome. I already knew about that. Another TBI after initial one hasn’t healed. PA really go bye bye, then. PA go off the radar permanently. I hope the water hitting my head in the shower wasn’t too much. *rolls eyes* I should start taking baths in case I fall. Seriously.
Sorry. Again…tangent, rambling. I do that a lot, but now I can’t tell if it’s as bad. Like I said, mentally things are all over including processes and more.
You are always so supportive and always have been. That made me cry. Then the big disclaimer part made me laugh. It made me think of what and how you write. Then, there are so many others who have disclaimers, too. Sometimes, as big as the home page itself! I guess I’m just sensitive to others? I don’t know.
This whole “event’ has me so buggered. Been three weeks now.
It was funny (ironic.) I thought you’d be one of the folks to come by and give me spankings or some kind of thing. Like, with my cuttings: “Oh, you silly girl! What did you do that for? Come on nin-JAH….” You’ve said it when we’ve both known they’d never solve anything. Here you stayed silent. That’s alright, though! I don’t mind or anything!
People have always told me I should write whatever I want to on my blog. Just as you have done here in this comment. Really, you more than anyone has said it. In fact, now it’s the strongest I’ve ever heard it come out of you.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you as well, Sweetie. I don’t use emoticons but an exception for you, definitely. –<-<-<-@
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February 14, 2011 at 13:11
Does that mean I should try and write another? Em got mad at me for writing about her, so I can’t babble about that anymore, but I’m sure I could find more things. I tried not to mention anything topical, as I was sure you’d heard enough about that already.
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February 14, 2011 at 16:37
I think you’ve got enough things to worry about at the moment without worrying overmuch to other people’s reaction to a delay in replies–but it a credit to you that you want to be responsible.
Largely, I’d say take things a little at the time. Give things time to heal.
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February 14, 2011 at 17:56
Hi Canageek. Sure, if you wish. Well, Em didn’t read my letter so that’s private? However, anything topical is alright. Shit, we’re all still talking about it, here!
Hi again trey. Ah, but you don’t know that I was born with the “Responsible Gene!” Time, time, time. I know, but again, with things of late. Oh, dear. Let’s hope we can speed up time a bit there.
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February 14, 2011 at 18:27
Megan read a sentence out before realizing it was a private letter- It got mixed into some other papers. Do you *want* to hear more about my rather boring life?
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February 15, 2011 at 09:42
Hi Canageek. Now I understand. I don’t mind hearing. Everyone’s life is interesting.
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February 15, 2011 at 11:52
Well then sometime when I am bored in class I’ll start work on a new one. I may babble about my jobs and thesis and such though.
No, people who do things other than school and staring at computers are interesting. I am boring.
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February 15, 2011 at 15:46
Hi Canageek. I do not believe that is true. That you are boring. Everyone on this planet is interesting. They all have something to say and a story to tell. Definitely.
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