Archive for February 20th, 2011

My wee PA is having some difficulty at the moment.  She is struggling with a lot of things that you may be aware of, if you have been reading her blog.

One of her struggles has been surrounding blogging.  She has had her fair share of “blogging crises.”  Some suggested solutions to that are, take seriously long breaks, mix up your posts a bit, and do not post every single day.

It is true that she has tried to write a few light-hearted posts, recently.  However, her own lack of judgement is now making her increasingly concerned with her own lack of judgement.  Most specifically, she is wondering how she appears to people when she writes.  She did write a caveat about it before.  However, to add such a caveat to every single post would be tedious for all.

Her immediate concern regarding all of these posts, is that they may seem to go back and forth, and be repetitive in nature.  Perhaps she may look like she has a better grasp of things, then there is a complete, 180 degree turn back to where she was.  She is now viewing such behaviours, attaching meanings to them, and certain connotations, as well.

She does not wish to be seen at all as attention seeking.  She does not wish to be seen at all as Passive-aggressive.  She does not wish to be seen at all as manipulative.  To her, these are extremely loaded, emotional types of behaviours, and extremely loaded in negative fashions.  For if PA was to act, or be perceived in any of these ways, she feels she might as well be dead altogether.

What she is feeling most right now, is a lot of confusion.  She is struggling with how to return things to a state of equilibrium.  This has nothing to do with blogging, but her life.  She feels there is so much in a state of limbo.

She is also still sick.  At points she feels she is getting better, but then it is as if her mind plays tricks on her, and it is not so.  Although, it may be simply small steps to getting better, and that would be very good.  Yet, now that we have been up for a while, there are some signs and symptoms from the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus appearing.

Apart from the lack of judgement, she is having a lot of difficulty with regulation of emotions and thoughts.  Even if there is no trigger, they can sometimes change so fast, she feels there is no control.  She is working very hard to try and keep things as level as possible.  She told me the other day, after dealing with CBT and other types of similar therapies while in hospital so many times, “I’m CBT’ing myself all over the place!” She is having some success with that.  Nonetheless, this was another concern she had regarding blogging.

She has noted that her emotions can be regulated, and very much improved, when around or in contact with other people.  If they are understanding, or upbeat, or someone who will listen to wee PA and be supportive, it makes her feel much better.  That may seem quite an obvious thing to you all, but PAs processing is slow.

Also, speaking of processing and wee PA, I will leave you with this.  It does not really fit with the post material, but she is waving at me across the room, desperate that I include it here.  Last night, she had an extremely and incredibly important breakthrough regarding her PTSD.  She found a “Golden Key” as she likes to refer to them.  There is something that has been plaguing her for several years, and she thinks she has figured it out.  It all seems to make sense to her.  We are both happy for that, at least.

Then again, it is a Golden Key.  Gold is expensive, so you still need to pay a price for it.  Wee PA feels any price is absolutely worth it, however.  She feels it so strongly, that even if the cost requires your mind to slip to some degree in paying for it, that doesn’t matter one bit.

Despite it probably not being the best time for her to purchase her Golden Key, it presented itself and she had no choice.  It is one more thing for her to think about, but in looking at her keychain, I believe this is the first and only one she has ever found.