My wee PA is having some difficulty at the moment.  She is struggling with a lot of things that you may be aware of, if you have been reading her blog.

One of her struggles has been surrounding blogging.  She has had her fair share of “blogging crises.”  Some suggested solutions to that are, take seriously long breaks, mix up your posts a bit, and do not post every single day.

It is true that she has tried to write a few light-hearted posts, recently.  However, her own lack of judgement is now making her increasingly concerned with her own lack of judgement.  Most specifically, she is wondering how she appears to people when she writes.  She did write a caveat about it before.  However, to add such a caveat to every single post would be tedious for all.

Her immediate concern regarding all of these posts, is that they may seem to go back and forth, and be repetitive in nature.  Perhaps she may look like she has a better grasp of things, then there is a complete, 180 degree turn back to where she was.  She is now viewing such behaviours, attaching meanings to them, and certain connotations, as well.

She does not wish to be seen at all as attention seeking.  She does not wish to be seen at all as Passive-aggressive.  She does not wish to be seen at all as manipulative.  To her, these are extremely loaded, emotional types of behaviours, and extremely loaded in negative fashions.  For if PA was to act, or be perceived in any of these ways, she feels she might as well be dead altogether.

What she is feeling most right now, is a lot of confusion.  She is struggling with how to return things to a state of equilibrium.  This has nothing to do with blogging, but her life.  She feels there is so much in a state of limbo.

She is also still sick.  At points she feels she is getting better, but then it is as if her mind plays tricks on her, and it is not so.  Although, it may be simply small steps to getting better, and that would be very good.  Yet, now that we have been up for a while, there are some signs and symptoms from the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus appearing.

Apart from the lack of judgement, she is having a lot of difficulty with regulation of emotions and thoughts.  Even if there is no trigger, they can sometimes change so fast, she feels there is no control.  She is working very hard to try and keep things as level as possible.  She told me the other day, after dealing with CBT and other types of similar therapies while in hospital so many times, “I’m CBT’ing myself all over the place!” She is having some success with that.  Nonetheless, this was another concern she had regarding blogging.

She has noted that her emotions can be regulated, and very much improved, when around or in contact with other people.  If they are understanding, or upbeat, or someone who will listen to wee PA and be supportive, it makes her feel much better.  That may seem quite an obvious thing to you all, but PAs processing is slow.

Also, speaking of processing and wee PA, I will leave you with this.  It does not really fit with the post material, but she is waving at me across the room, desperate that I include it here.  Last night, she had an extremely and incredibly important breakthrough regarding her PTSD.  She found a “Golden Key” as she likes to refer to them.  There is something that has been plaguing her for several years, and she thinks she has figured it out.  It all seems to make sense to her.  We are both happy for that, at least.

Then again, it is a Golden Key.  Gold is expensive, so you still need to pay a price for it.  Wee PA feels any price is absolutely worth it, however.  She feels it so strongly, that even if the cost requires your mind to slip to some degree in paying for it, that doesn’t matter one bit.

Despite it probably not being the best time for her to purchase her Golden Key, it presented itself and she had no choice.  It is one more thing for her to think about, but in looking at her keychain, I believe this is the first and only one she has ever found.

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  1. Hey Aspie Penguin,
    Give wee PA a big hug from me and tell her to read this message when she is feeling up to it.

    Wee PA, first of all i need to tell you that i actually suck as i haven’t seen any of your recent posts as i didn’t realise there were any. Me being an utter ‘tard i thought i would get emailed them. Then i remembered today that i do get emailed them, but to my anonymous email that is linked to my wordpress account which i never check. Well done me. Anyway, i’m not supposed to be leaving a message talking about my stupidity so i will go back to the topic at hand.

    I want to say thank you for sharing everything that you have over the last couple of weeks. I know that you have concerns about writing these kind of post as you would like to be, and feel that you should be, better. It is ok to feel shit, and it’s ok to write these posts. I don’t mean that you “should” feel shit in any way, shape or form, but as we both know it’s a given with any mental illness that things are undoubtably going to hit the fan at some point. It just demonstrates that you are human, and a human that finds life hard, and it times even harder. Again that’s ok. It is ok that wee PA isn’t superhuman PA. You will probably (definitely) hate me saying this but i genuinely care about wee PA and all that comes with the package. If you were superhuman PA i wouldn’t be able to relate to you and would want to shove your superhuman head up your own ass for being perfect and making me feel inferior.

    So sorry that i haven’t been up to date on what has been happening… i will see if i can somehow sign up with an email address that isn’t associated to wordpress so i shall not be out of PA’s loop again. Failing that maybe there is some way of forwarding specific emails from my “mental” email account that i never check, to my “normal” email account. i will be very happy if i manage to do this as it will mean that i will get emails to my “normal” account which aren’t spammers trying to sell me “genuine” viagra, or telling me how i can grow my penis by 4 inches.

    Muchos love to you and of course Aspie Penguin. Aspie Penguin – keep a good eye on wee PA whilst she is feeling so shitty, otherwise you will feel my wrath. I’m sure that as you look and seem like such a nice penguin you wont let her down, but i thought that i would give you extra incentive to look after her just to be sure!

    xx

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  2. Don’t worry, you are coming off as an intelligent and wonderful women blundering through some horrifically hard times as best you can. It does sound like you need a hug, and possibly a pet to sleep with, or at least a stuffed animal though. ^^.

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  3. Butterflywings

    Hi Aspie Penguin, please pass on my best and hugs to wee PA :-)

    PA, when you’re back: I totally get the worrying over what to write about, how much to say, how you come across. I do the same. But please don’t. At the end of the day it’s your blog and you can write what you like. Plus, you’re being so hard on yourself – I don’t think you’ve written anything wrong at all, you sound like a lovely, intelligent person who has a lot to deal with and does the best she can. x

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  4. Aspie Penguin

    Hello Black or White. Thank you for your comment, and I will most certainly pass along all you have said to wee PA. I shall also take your comment about feeling your wrath, under serious advisement. Have no fear, however. I do not think you shall ever need to use it.

    Hello Canageek. You are always so loyal, and comment on my posts to offer your support to PA. We have actually been looking for a stuffie like me, as I generally spend so much time awake keeping an eye on her.

    Not to mention, I do not really like the feeling of human bed linen. It is not what I am used to sleeping on, and I still cannot adapt. So, yes, we are still looking for a stuffie like me.

    Hi Butterflywings. Thank you so much for your comment, as well. It is true that PA is very hard on herself. Spock and I are still trying to manage to do something in that area.

    When PA is back, indeed! She has responded to some comments, so she has logged back on!

    This is much to both Spock’s and my own chagrin. I will not say our disappointment. That would possibly upset her. It appears that we may just have to be a bit more firm with her, regarding this issue of taking a break.

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