One of the forms I filled out for the stoopid guvmunt to get some more money is for a dietary allowance.  I didn’t quite understand the form (because when does the stoopid guvmunt make that ever possible?)

Sweetie GP assured me she knew how to handle it and all would be fine.  Well, it turns out that it wasn’t.  Or hasn’t been.  Or isn’t.  Or whatever.

I tried to explain to her (being the first doctor ever!) about my issues with Anorexia Nervosa.  She said that Merlin #2 would have to diagnose it.  He flat out stated I did not have it without allowing me to say a goddamn thing! Further, when I asked him who could diagnose me, he said: “I don’t know.”  Wonderful.

So, I have now told two medical professionals (or tried?) something I have hidden all my life.  It is one thing to barely manage to share such a matter with intimate people you know, but…?

They are changing the “rules” with this allowance soon.  I know the one thing I must rectify that I didn’t understand.  However, I need to make it “fit.”  I guess I wasn’t clear enough regarding the whole Anorexia business.  Plus, since I was basically left with making no headway before, I need to choose another tactic.  And apparently a much stronger one.  To prove my case.  Because I guess I didn’t say enough.

My original Dietician seems to be gone so I will have to see someone new.  Every time I tried to make a follow up, I was either post-“ick”tal© or making a med change or some inanity.  I left it that I would call to make an appt. later.  Which I never did.  For why would someone who has Anorexia give a rat’s ass about seeing their Dietician?

Well, I’m going to do it now! ASAP! Let’s get this straight before the form comes, even if I have to wrestle this woman down to the floor, gag her so she can’t interrupt me, and I’ll tell her…everything?

So what is there to say? Fine, starved myself as a teenager, hated the way I looked as I was “too fat.”  Then the same in my 20s but added in the exercise drill.  Then, I told Sweetie GP that I still do it now, I refuse to eat when my life is in the toilet.  I refuse to when I’m hungry.  Maybe I’ll feel better about eating and do so if life turns around a bit.  Maybe? I do actually like the way I look although I am seriously underweight.


Well, not complete bullshit.  It’s just the above is only part of the story.  The biggest part is that nothing has changed!!! All of this has still gone on or remained ever since I was a kid.  For all I know, I may have pulled this crap before I was a teenager.  That’s just as far back as I remember.  I DO remember being teased about my body as far back as being eight years-old.  It never stopped, either.  And I know in my head there was nothing “wrong” with me.  I guess?

I still fucking starve myself.  For days at times! How far can I “legitimately” take my gastro problems into account, here.  I’m not feeling sick and I haven’t in a long time.  Also, there’s never been an actual medical diagnosis found since I did get so horribly ill several years ago.

I even tried purging once.  OH, HO! That’s maybe something.  I decided starving myself was a better idea.  Barfing definitely wasn’t my gig.  However, when I do get pretty worked up about things and I swallow (or try) I can feel like I’m gonna heave.  I do start gagging and have to work to keep things down.

I also have a ridiculously, poor perception of my own body (despite the fact I said I like being so small.)  This issue is different.  I won’t bother to get into that because I can’t really explain it.  How do you explain something you don’t really understand? If anything, I feel it could be all tied to my (and others’) PTSD.  There are also, some studies of Anorexia being linked to folks on the Autistic Spectrum.  I love my comorbidities.

Anyway, that’s enough for now.  It shouldn’t have to be so hard to admit you have something like this going on when you’re willing to be honest.  However, if you don’t have the right audience, then I guess it is.


  1. May


    Whatever you think about your body, I know you have a beautiful soul and I’m glad to know you.

    I hope you find a Dr. who will listen to you.


  2. Hi May. Thanks hon. *hug* You’re sweet, spice. Was that just some weird morphing thing? *laughs*

    Yes, doctors who will not listen. I’m becoming pretty disappointed with this business. It’s like, “What’s happening to my great team?! It took me so long to find you guys and now you’re…”

    A glitch in the Matrix? Well, maybe with Sweetie GP. I know I’m not helping in some areas with her. Still SHE’S the professional. If I want to be an idiot patient (which I never am) that’s my choice. And I AM being an idiot patient with her at the moment.

    Merlin #2? I don’t understand his behaviour but most unfortunately, people can change like the wind (or the wind blows away their exteriors.) He is only human after all and humans can be very deceptive.

    Alas. If nothing more, go back to where I started.


  3. While this isn’t a defense for this dismissing something important to their patient (and something important to her care–eating disorders are serious business) I wonder if their response was representative of their lack of expertise in the area.

    As you point out, they’re only human, and human beings sometimes want to avoid scary things they don’t know how to deal with–and how much stronger might that urge be if you feel like you’re the one that’s supposed to know how to deal with things?

    Again, not making excuses for them, just offering an explanation. I’m sorry you had that experience.


  4. Hi trey. Good to see you. Not to worry about anything you said. This is a free space for anyone to express their opinions. Unless they’re some troll or asshole etc…

    My GP is very pro-specialist I guess you could say? I very much respect that. If she knows something is without her realm of expertise, then great. It’s Merlin #2 I have the problem with. He’s my fucking psychiatrist! He should listen to me! Moreover, as a doctor period, he should listen to any patient.

    Indeed, doctors are human beings but what is the point of them being doctors if they can’t treat their patients, no matter how “scary” a diagnosis might be? In my opinion, if a doctor finds a diagnosis “scary”…well…?

    Alright, let’s see. All human conditions can be scary. People being sick, in incredible pain and dying can be scary. However, I still feel that if you are to be a doctor, if you can’t deal with that, you’ve chosen the wrong profession.

    In fact, that’s why a lot of doctors tend to distance themselves from their patients quite a lot. However, there is a huge difference between “distancing” yourself from a patient and not allowing them to speak at all. That is just shite behaviour and “treatment.”

    In fact, I’ve run into it before in hospital where it broke me down. It did. I had a total meltdown. That would be called “negligence.”



    Not about you, hon. Just me venting.


  5. No worries. :)

    I hear what you’re saying, and I understand your frustrations. I was just suggesting that (however misguided or wrong) I don’t think they were setting out to treat you badly, and in fact would probably like to treat you better if they could see through whatever personal blinders they’ve got up.


  6. Hi trey. I do feel the need to apologize to you again. Maybe to myself, as well!

    I think for the first time ever on this blog, I’ve gotten my dander up in a comment. Wow. However, I do know why.

    When I look at it seriously, I really believe it’s the root of my problem that I expressed to May up there. I’m losing a part of my absolutely, wonderful medical team. It’s taken me so long to assemble them, and I’m so lucky for that.

    Most people can barely find one doctor they need, but with my head? And stomach? We’ve got to have a GP, a Psychiatrist, a Neurologist, a Gastroenterologist, a Dietician, and now with trying to find me a Psychotherapist. What next?

    I don’t mean to sound so dramatic about losing all of my doctors, either. Sweetie GP will still be around. My original Dietician is gone, so let’s hope the new one is good.

    My Gastro is great. Very thorough and VERY cool! Non-Arsey Neuro is unreal! I wanted to get away from Arsey Neuro for years, so he’s a godsend!

    It’s Merlin #2. Finding a good Psych is incredibly important. He used to be so good. Now he refuses to speak about anything personal at all.

    I’ve said this before to people who have all sorts of head business going on. It can be devastating when you lose your Psych and/or Therapist. You rely upon them when you lose it! They’re your rock when you become unstable. If that rock disappears, you can become completely adrift at sea–with a huge potential to drown in its waters.

    Nonetheless, I do hear what you’re saying. They are totally human and it took me a very long time to realize that.

    I always thought they were these paragons of virtue when I was a kid (and further into my adult years.) I’m not quite sure why.

    It believe it might be because the Parental Units neglected to take us to see doctors when we really needed them. Then, they took us randomly when not so sick. Then, if it was super-duper-can’t-ignore-the sick, definitely. Like, my sister and I had to have our tonsils out.

    So when we did see doctors, the Parental Units never questioned anything. Since it was so hither and yon, it was confusing. You couldn’t tell when you were going, how sick you really were to need them, so when you did see them, they were like magicians! I’m over that now, though.

    So you are completely right in what you say. I agree there was no malice. There are two people involved: patient and practitioner.

    In fact, the medical world would be a much better place if doctors could see through any personal blinders. But that is not reality. We all have them. And since they are called “blinders” we often can’t see through them at all! That takes a lot of work. For anyone to realize, “Hey! I’m looking at this the wrong way!”


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