You Want Anorexia? Let Me Serve it to You on a Silver Platter.
One of the forms I filled out for the stoopid guvmunt to get some more money is for a dietary allowance. I didn’t quite understand the form (because when does the stoopid guvmunt make that ever possible?)
Sweetie GP assured me she knew how to handle it and all would be fine. Well, it turns out that it wasn’t. Or hasn’t been. Or isn’t. Or whatever.
I tried to explain to her (being the first doctor ever!) about my issues with Anorexia Nervosa. She said that Merlin #2 would have to diagnose it. He flat out stated I did not have it without allowing me to say a goddamn thing! Further, when I asked him who could diagnose me, he said: “I don’t know.” Wonderful.
So, I have now told two medical professionals (or tried?) something I have hidden all my life. It is one thing to barely manage to share such a matter with intimate people you know, but…?
They are changing the “rules” with this allowance soon. I know the one thing I must rectify that I didn’t understand. However, I need to make it “fit.” I guess I wasn’t clear enough regarding the whole Anorexia business. Plus, since I was basically left with making no headway before, I need to choose another tactic. And apparently a much stronger one. To prove my case. Because I guess I didn’t say enough.
My original Dietician seems to be gone so I will have to see someone new. Every time I tried to make a follow up, I was either post-“ick”tal© or making a med change or some inanity. I left it that I would call to make an appt. later. Which I never did. For why would someone who has Anorexia give a rat’s ass about seeing their Dietician?
Well, I’m going to do it now! ASAP! Let’s get this straight before the form comes, even if I have to wrestle this woman down to the floor, gag her so she can’t interrupt me, and I’ll tell her…everything?
So what is there to say? Fine, starved myself as a teenager, hated the way I looked as I was “too fat.” Then the same in my 20s but added in the exercise drill. Then, I told Sweetie GP that I still do it now, I refuse to eat when my life is in the toilet. I refuse to when I’m hungry. Maybe I’ll feel better about eating and do so if life turns around a bit. Maybe? I do actually like the way I look although I am seriously underweight.
Well, not complete bullshit. It’s just the above is only part of the story. The biggest part is that nothing has changed!!! All of this has still gone on or remained ever since I was a kid. For all I know, I may have pulled this crap before I was a teenager. That’s just as far back as I remember. I DO remember being teased about my body as far back as being eight years-old. It never stopped, either. And I know in my head there was nothing “wrong” with me. I guess?
I still fucking starve myself. For days at times! How far can I “legitimately” take my gastro problems into account, here. I’m not feeling sick and I haven’t in a long time. Also, there’s never been an actual medical diagnosis found since I did get so horribly ill several years ago.
I even tried purging once. OH, HO! That’s maybe something. I decided starving myself was a better idea. Barfing definitely wasn’t my gig. However, when I do get pretty worked up about things and I swallow (or try) I can feel like I’m gonna heave. I do start gagging and have to work to keep things down.
I also have a ridiculously, poor perception of my own body (despite the fact I said I like being so small.) This issue is different. I won’t bother to get into that because I can’t really explain it. How do you explain something you don’t really understand? If anything, I feel it could be all tied to my (and others’) PTSD. There are also, some studies of Anorexia being linked to folks on the Autistic Spectrum. I love my comorbidities.
Anyway, that’s enough for now. It shouldn’t have to be so hard to admit you have something like this going on when you’re willing to be honest. However, if you don’t have the right audience, then I guess it is.