I have my CT tomorrow.  I doubt it will show anything.  Nope.  Nothing.  I’ve said this with my past MRIs, as well.  The scans will show nothing, too.  And they never did.

It was because I thought I had an empty head.  Which I’m certain is true, now.  I had my doubts before, but not anymore.

When I was always told the results came back as “Negative” I was sure it meant something else.  “Negative” didn’t mean the scans couldn’t detect any problems.  “Negative” was all to do with my physician’s feelings.  They always felt so disappointed and dismayed.  Completely downtrodden because one day, someday, they hoped to find more than an empty head.  So, “Negative” really described their entire mental state after viewing my scans.

I think one day when I went for a follow up with a particular doctor, it may have gotten so bad, it spilled over and affected the entire office staff.  That guy probably might have been resurrected from his overwhelming state of grief, just to find a peanut shell in my head.  No such luck, though.

I can let you guys know how it all turns out, but I don’t think anything will be different.  However, at least I finally now know I have an empty head.  That explains quite a lot.  Well, way more than quite a lot.

This fact is kind of scary.  Well, way more than kind of scary.  I’m the first, lethal, unloaded weapon on the planet.


  1. Kevin

    Doctors, doctors… I wanted to be one once.

    Physicians, they can never stand not knowing what’s going on. Psychiatrists, they never know what’s going on and deal in near-random guesswork.

    Physicians, if they can’t see what’s making you snap, they either fail to comprehend, or they snap themselves with every hypothesis imaginable. With your brain, they can’t just recommend chopping it out. Psychiatrists, if you’re snapping, time to add another haphazardly-chosen agent to your ever growing medicine cabinet. Some study somewhere showed it resulted in marginal benefit for the non-control population!

    PA, you don’t have an empty head because these fools can’t sort things out. Of course a lethal unloaded weapon like yourself already knows this.

    Sorry, feeling a bit surly tonight, am not having the most stable of days. In any case, I hope at least you had a nice Bishonen hairdo for your CT scan? How’d it turn out?


  2. Hi Kevin. First, I wrote this in jest with my (more than) bizarre sense of humour. I can never tell when it comes across on my blog if people get it. Either way, your response is great from a medical perspective. I’m always happy whenever anyone responds on my blog, period!

    Some people have told me before that I should have been (or now should be) a doctor. I think they’re crazier than I am! Dr. PA would definitely kill someone, then lose her license in a heartbeat, that stopped so quickly because she…

    Although, I did want to become a Nurse not that long ago. That went completely down the tubes (as did I) when I needed a half course in Stats. I never finished my B.A., but my alma mater was willing to take me back for a B.Sc.N. I also needed a course in Anatomy and Physiology (which was no problem.)

    Well, with my Dyscalculia, the Stats. was SO bad. My first exam was I think a 47%. Then they just kept getting worse! I think one was a fucking 36%!

    I tried to get help in every way I could and worked for hours every day and night. I’m not used to being the sort of person who studies even that hard, and then fails courses. I’ve never failed a course in my life! I went totally over the edge. Goodbye Nursing Career, but at least I now know WHY I performed so far from abysmally.

    Physicians snapping. Patients snapping. I never like to make generalizations but at times I know I do make them.

    A lot of doctors may be of that silly “Type A” Personality. Unlike moi, they never seem to “fail” at anything. I see this in my cousin who is an ER doctor. It’s like she could never do anything “wrong” in her entire life.

    She succeeded everywhere. Classes, athletics, so pretty, so popular, bloody valedictorian when she graduated. Christ, she had terrible asthma as a child and the family’s entire world revolved around that!!! I mean, Christmas celebrations would be ruined when I was a kid because they had to take her to hospital!

    So, that may be a “snap?” A never ending quest to figure out what’s wrong? I have another “snap” too. It’s like a snapping of your fingers. Doctors being too fast to diagnose you and not listening too you. Kind of like you said? Too quick to judge?

    Fucking DSM. Let’s just grab that and see where we can peg you? Ditto with physical maladies as well, I suppose? It may just be that there are certain tests out there. For me, basically only Neurological ones that can have some medical merit?

    So, these physicians I have learned to avoid. What I look for now are the types of physicians where I can have collaborative relationships with. Where they can respect and understand the knowledge that I possess, and we can work together. You know I know my stuff! You read my blog. I’m no idiot when it comes to medicine. Hell, with my troop, I’ve actually guided my own treatment. It’s almost like they’ve given me their own script pad and I’ve written what I want on it (not to boast of course, here, hell no!!!)

    I’m sorry you weren’t feeling the best last night. I hope a bit better today? Or even more than a bit?

    You can always come here and rant on my blog. I do enough of it on my own! Also, email is another option.

    The CT? Oh, it didn’t take long. Nothing compared to my MRIs that last maybe around 40min.! I was surprised that I didn’t have to get all gowned up, take off everything metal as you do with an MRI (although they are different tests.) He only had me take off my glasses.

    Don’t know about results, though. I suspect nothing. I can call but if they don’t call me, pretty clear.


  3. Ah, yes Kevin. You mentioned my “Bishonen Hairdo.” I haven’t gotten it done yet. I’m not sure when I will.

    However, had to laugh a little when watching “Paranoia Agent” last night. An Anime series where there’s a kid named “Bishonen Bat” who is running around, terrorizing and maiming mentally desperate people, with a modified, Japanese type of baseball bat. Some of the people are so completely depressed they even want to kill themselves.

    Bishonen Bat toots around on golden rollerblades, though. I can’t skate worth a damn. Also, I wouldn’t beat the shit out of people who were so distraught. Well, maybe just myself?


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